Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

by Henry Cloud

If you helped so much, why was she still talking about her loneliness when she left? Trying to ignore the thought, Sherrie went to bed.

It takes wisdom to know what we should be doing and what we shouldn’t.

we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what isn’t.

For example, if I find that I have some pain or sin within, I need to open up and communicate it to God and others, so that I can be healed. Confessing pain and sin helps to “get it out”

To be in touch with God’s truth is to be in touch with reality, and to live in accord with that reality makes for a better life (Ps. 119:2, 45).

Proverbs 22:3 says that “the prudent see danger and take refuge.” Sometimes physically removing yourself from a situation will help maintain boundaries.

you have been in an abusive relationship, you should wait until it is safe and until real patterns of change have been demonstrated before you go back. Many

Just as the Bible sets consequences for certain behaviors, we need to back up our boundaries with consequences.

2 Thessalonians 3:10 when he says that if anyone will not work, don’t let him or her eat. God does not enable irresponsible behavior. Hunger is a consequence of laziness (Prov. 16:26).

But the point is, your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem so you can begin to find an answer to whatever issue they are pointing to.

What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving poorly; we can’t change them or make them behave right.

Not confronting our fear denies the grace of God and insults both his giving of the gift and his grace to sustain us as we are learning.

Establishing boundaries in thinking involves three things. 1. We must own our own thoughts.

We must grow in knowledge and expand our minds.

We must clarify distorted thinking.

Our loving heart, like our physical one, needs an inflow as well as an outflow of lifeblood. And like its physical counterpart, our heart is a muscle, a trust muscle. This trust muscle needs to be used and exercised; if it is injured, it will slow down or weaken. We need to take responsibility for this

people who don’t respect others’ limits also have boundary problems.

When parents teach children that setting boundaries or saying no is bad, they are teaching them that others can do with them as they wish.

When we give in to guilty feelings, we are complying with a harsh conscience.

This boundary problem is called avoidance: saying no to the good. It’s the inability to ask for help, to recognize one’s own needs, to let others in.

God even allows us the freedom to let him in or to close him off: “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me” (Rev. 3:20). God has no interest in violating our boundaries so that he can relate to us.

Controllers can’t respect others’ limits. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives, so they need to control others.