Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

by Henry Cloud

Any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries.

Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. If I know where my yard begins and ends, I am free to do with it what I like. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. However, if I do not “own” my life, my choices and options become very limited.

God designed a world where we all live “within” ourselves; that is, we inhabit our own souls, and we are responsible for the things that make up “us.” “Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy” (Prov. 14:10).

Problems arise when people act as if their “boulders” are daily loads and refuse help, or as if their “daily loads” are boulders they shouldn’t have to carry. The results of these two instances are either perpetual pain or irresponsibility.

The concept of boundaries comes from the very nature of God. God defines himself as a distinct, separate being, and he is responsible for himself. He defines and takes responsibility for his personality by telling us what he thinks, feels, plans, allows, will not allow, likes, and dislikes.

The Father, the Son, and the Spirit are one, but at the same time they are distinct persons with their own boundaries. Each one has his own personhood and responsibilities, as well as a connection with and love for one another (John 17:24).

God also limits what he will allow in his yard. He confronts sin and allows consequences for behavior. He guards his house and will not allow evil things to go on there. He invites people in who will love him, and he lets his love flow outward to them at the same time. The “gates” of his boundaries open and close appropriately.

The Bible also warns us against giving to others “reluctantly or under compulsion” (2 Cor. 9:7). People with poor boundaries struggle with saying no to the control, pressure, demands, and sometimes the real needs of others. They feel that if they say no to someone, they will endanger their relationship with that person, so they passively comply but inwardly resent.

Many people have been taught by their church or their family that boundaries are unbiblical, mean, or selfish. These people need good biblical support systems to help them stand against the guilt that comes from the old “tapes” inside that tell them lies to keep them in bondage.

Just as the Bible sets consequences for certain behaviors, we need to back up our boundaries with consequences.

Consequences give some good “barbs” to fences.

We may be moved with compassion to give to someone in need, but then this person manipulates us into giving more than we want to give. We end up resentful and angry, having missed something we needed in our own life.

your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem so you can begin to find an answer to whatever issue they are pointing to.

People with boundary problems usually have distorted attitudes about responsibility. They feel that to hold people responsible for their feelings, choices, and behaviors is mean. However, Proverbs repeatedly says that setting limits and accepting responsibility will save lives (Prov. 13:18, 24).

To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless.

Parenting with love and limits, with warmth and consequences, produces confident children who have a sense of control over their lives.

Making decisions based on others’ approval or on guilt breeds resentment, a product of our sinful nature. We have been so trained by others on what we “should” do that we think we are being loving when we do things out of compulsion.

Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with.

What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving poorly; we can’t change them or make them behave right.

Our model is God. He does not really “set limits” on people to “make them” behave. God sets standards, but he lets people be who they are and then separates himself from them when they misbehave, saying in effect, “You can be that way if you choose, but you cannot come into my house.” Heaven is a place for the repentant, and all are welcome.

Not confronting our fear denies the grace of God and insults both his giving of the gift and his grace to sustain us as we are learning.

Compliant people have fuzzy and indistinct boundaries; they “melt” into the demands and needs of other people. They can’t stand alone, distinct from people who want something from them. Compliants, for example, pretend to like the same restaurants and movies their friends do “just to get along.” They minimize their differences with others so as not to rock the boat. Compliants are chameleons. After a while it’s hard to distinguish them from their environment.

Steve has a problem hearing and accepting others boundaries. To Steve, “no” is simply a challenge to change the other person’s mind. This boundary problem is called control. Controllers can’t respect others’ limits. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives, so they need to control others.

I have several steves in my life

Finally, controllers are isolated. People stay with them out of fear, guilt, or dependency. If they’re honest, controllers rarely feel loved. Why? Because in their heart of hearts, they know that the only reason people spend time with them is because they are pulling the strings. If they stopped threatening or manipulating, they would be abandoned. And at some deep level, they are aware of their isolation.

Sounds familar

Anger. Anger is a friend. It was created by God for a purpose: to tell us that there’s a problem that needs to be confronted.

The second period is young adulthood, the time when children leave home or college and start a career or get married. Young adults suffer a loss of structure during this period. There are no class bells, no schedules imposed by others, and a great deal of very scary freedom and responsibility, as well as the demands of intimacy and commitment. This can often become an intense time of learning more about setting good boundaries.

Overcontrolled children are subject to dependency, enmeshment conflicts, and difficulty setting and keeping firm boundaries. They also have problems taking risks and being creative.

Alcoholic families often exhibit inconsistent limits. A parent may be loving and kind one day, unreasonably harsh the next. This is particularly true because of the behavior changes brought on by drinking. Alcoholism causes massive boundary confusion in the child. Adult children of alcoholics never feel safe in relationships. They’re always waiting for the other person to let them down or attack them unexpectedly. They keep their guard up constantly. Setting limits is traumatic for adult children of alcoholics. Saying no might bring respect, or it might bring rage.

Today we call a person who continually rescues another person a codependent. In effect, codependent, boundaryless people “cosign the note” of life for the irresponsible people in their lives. Then they end up paying the bills—physically, emotionally, and spiritually—and the spendthrifts continue out of control with no consequences. They continue to be loved, pampered, and treated nicely.

Confronting an irresponsible person is not painful to him; only consequences are.

Many times when people hear a talk on boundaries and taking responsibility for their own lives, they say, “That’s so self-centered. We should love one another and deny ourselves.” Or they actually become selfish and self-centered. Or they feel “guilty” when they do someone a favor. These are unbiblical views of responsibility.

It is not good to rescue someone from the consequences of their sin, for you will only have to do it again. You have reinforced the pattern (Prov. 19:19).

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Payback. Many people have received things with guilt messages attached. For example, their parents say things like, “I never had it as good as you.” “You should be ashamed at all you get.” They feel a burden to pay for all they have been given.

The Law of Motivation says this: Freedom first, service second. If you serve to get free of your fear, you are doomed to failure. Let God work on the fears, resolve them, and create some healthy boundaries to guard the freedom you were called to.

You need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person, but that does not mean you should avoid setting boundaries because someone responds with hurt or anger.

Jesus refers to it as the “narrow gate.” It is always easier to go through the “broad gate of destruction” and continue not to set boundaries where we need to. But the result is always the same: destruction. Only the honest, purposeful life leads to good fruit. Deciding to set boundaries is difficult because it requires decision making and confrontation, which, in turn, may cause pain to someone you love.

We cause pain by making choices that others do not like, but we also cause pain by confronting people when they are wrong.

Many of us have known people who, after years of being passive and compliant, suddenly go ballistic, and we wonder what happened. We blame it on the counselor they are seeing or the company they have been keeping. In reality, they had been complying for years, and their pent-up rage explodes. This reactive phase of boundary creation is helpful, especially for victims.

Proactive people show you what they love, what they want, what they purpose, and what they stand for. These people are very different from those who are known by what they hate, what they don’t like, what they stand against, and what they will not do.