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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Henry Cloud
Read between
February 21 - March 12, 2025
she felt too resentful to feel bad.
being nice out of fear isn’t working.
Denying ourselves to do for others what they cannot do for themselves is showing the sacrificial love of Christ.
They feel that if they say no to someone, they will endanger their relationship with that person, so they passively comply but inwardly resent.
There is always safety in the truth, whether it be knowing God’s truth or knowing the truth about yourself.
Forgive, but guard your heart until you see sustained change.
creating boundaries always involves a support network.
They give not out of their heart and free will, but out of compliance, and they resent us for what they give.
your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem so you can begin to find an answer to whatever issue they are pointing to.
Parenting with love and limits, with warmth and consequences, produces confident children who have a sense of control over their lives.
Making decisions based on others’ approval or on guilt breeds resentment, a product of our sinful nature.
We are caught up in valuing the approval of other human beings rather than the approval of God (John 12:43); because of this misplaced value, we miss out on life.
What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving poorly; we can’t change them or make them behave right.
We are not being unloving. Separating ourselves protects love, because we are taking a stand against things that destroy love.
He was not chastised for being afraid; we are all afraid when trying something new and difficult. He was chastised for not confronting his fear and trying the best he could.
We have our own thoughts, and if we want others to know them, we must tell them.
We need to own our desires and pursue them to find fulfillment in life.
Both love concealed and love rejected can kill us.
They have a lot of love around them but do not realize that their loneliness is a result of their own lack of responsiveness.
This boundary problem is called avoidance: saying no to the good. It’s the inability to ask for help, to recognize one’s own needs, to let others in. Avoidants withdraw when they are in need; they do not ask for the support of others.
Compliant avoidants suffer from what is called “reversed boundaries.” They have no boundaries where they need them, and they have boundaries where they shouldn’t have them.
Caring for someone so that they’ll care back for us is simply an indirect means of controlling someone else.
The past is your ally in repairing your present and ensuring a better future.
Children of parents like these grow up to be adults who are terrified that setting boundaries will cause severe isolation and abandonment.
To “make the child like it” is to pressure the child into becoming a “people pleaser,” not a “God pleaser”
They don’t learn that delaying gratification and being responsible have benefits. They only learn how to avoid someone’s wrath.
while a major responsibility of good parents is certainly to control and protect, they must make room for their children to make mistakes.
Rescuing a person from the natural consequences of his behavior enables him to continue in irresponsible behavior.
Anytime you are not loving others, you are not taking full responsibility for yourself; you have disowned your heart.
Many of your problematic parts come from being empty inside, and you need to seek God and others to have those needs met.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
People who say yes and then resent saying yes fear losing someone’s love.
“Hurt and harm are different,”
Power is not something you demand or deserve; it is something you express. The ultimate expression of power is love; it is the ability not to express power, but to restrain it.
Your envy should always be a sign to you that you are lacking something. At that moment, you should ask God to help you understand what you resent, why you do not have whatever you are envying, and whether you truly desire it. Ask him to show you what you need to do to get there or to give up the desire.
Passivity never pays off. God will match our effort, but he will never do our work for us. That would be an invasion of our boundaries. He wants us to be assertive and active, seeking and knocking on the door of life.
God’s grace covers failure, but it cannot make up for passivity. We need to do our part.
We withdraw passively and quietly instead of communicating an honest no to someone we love.
When we are afraid to say no, our yes is compromised.
One sure sign of boundary problems is when your relationship with one person has the power to affect your relationships with others. You are giving one person way too much power in your life.
To be an adult, you must live within your means and pay for your own failures.
Problems arise when we make someone else responsible for our needs and wants, and when we blame that person for our disappointments.
You will not resolve the problem by wishing. You need to own the problem,
Do not set boundaries alone. You have not set boundaries because you are afraid; the only way out is through support.
Being successful is not as important as stepping out and trying.
Limits on good things keep them good.
You only have the power to change yourself. You can’t change another person.
Relationships are the fuel of life.
Don’t leave things to chance with people who matter to you.
self-boundary problems will worsen with increased aloneness.
