Only a few written accounts of his life remain, and even among these there are numerous discrepancies. The Gospel According to John differs wildly from the Gospel According to Matthew. And neither account is as accurate as the Gospel According to Hector. (Incidentally, Mordecai is in charge of protecting the Gospel According to Hector, and I am 90 percent sure he’s lost the scroll. One time I flat-out asked him where it was. “It’s in my tent,” he said. So I was like, “Great. Can I see it?” And he was like, “It’s under a lot of stuff.” How much stuff can he possibly have? The man is a monk.)
