Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood

by Lisa Damour

make her use of digital technology contingent upon your right to monitor her activity and have her passwords. If your daughter balks at this, remind her that you are doing so to reduce the chance that she’ll act impulsively online. Let her know that if she’d like privacy, you’re glad to leave her alone while she makes phone calls or to give her plenty of space to interact with friends in person.

Next, the actor needs to practice delivering her lines under playlike conditions—hence rehearsals. For test takers, this means applying their knowledge in conditions like the ones they’ll face during actual tests, such as being quizzed at home or, best of all, writing and answering their own test questions. Some of the best students I know search online for sample tests on the topics they’re studying and routinely find tests like the ones they’ll be taking.

Put another way, you can tell yourself and your daughter that it doesn’t matter if she’s a mental Ferrari if she won’t step on the gas. A speeding Ford Taurus will beat an idling Ferrari any day.

There’s another unique feature of this developmental strand: things change fast.

Regardless of how you feel as your daughter embarks on her love life, you likely agree that as she moves along this developmental strand she should come to know what she’s hoping for, how to pursue it when ready, and how to make clear what she doesn’t want.

Temper your reaction and imagine that you are an anthropologist who is studying the romantic rituals of a foreign culture. You will never have a better opportunity to conduct your anthropological research than when your daughter mentions her tribe’s romantic practices.

Welcome shrugs and eye rolls as acceptable responses—it’s not about the answers, it’s about getting her to consider the questions.

If your daughter points all of her romantic energy toward a carefully packaged star, consider yourself lucky.

Oddly, the media machines behind young male stars may be among the few voices speaking for what some girls do want. The rest of the chorus that tells girls what they should want, how they should look, and how they are viewed includes the mass media, the fashion industry, and, sometimes, blundering adult acquaintances (as in, “Wow, she’s a cutie—you’re going to have to lock her up!”).

“I’ve heard that some boys think it’s okay to text a girl, sometimes over and over again, to ask her to send nude photos or do sexual things. This goes without saying, but just to say it, that’s totally inappropriate behavior on the guy’s part. They shouldn’t do it at all, and they certainly shouldn’t keep doing it once a girl says no.” Your daughter might brush you off with, “Geez, of course I know that it’s wrong!” but your breath wasn’t wasted.

Your daughter will be glad to hear that she’s not the one acting crazy.

Our culture doesn’t care about girls’ inner compasses, so somebody has to encourage girls to tune in to their own wishes.

Girls sometimes need reminders to be kind when turning down romantic invitations.

The use of homophobic slurs occurs in almost all communities and schools, regardless of how progressive or accepting the families in that community may be.

research finds that people who are uncomfortable with their own same-sex attractions may be the most likely to engage in homophobic behavior.

In other words, teens are more likely to come out to their parents when the benefits of doing so seem to outweigh the costs.

teens really want grown-ups to act like grown-ups around their love lives, even if they complain about the rules we make.

Yet if we go by everything I know about girls, good things rarely come of girls dating boys who are more than a year their senior.

When it comes to taking care of themselves, most girls are resistant to adult input—even thoughtful, loving input—especially if it comes from their parents.

Girls can excel at seeming to soak up our wisdom while they’re actually ignoring us.

“Alcohol is poison!” girls put on their veils and nod at us while thinking, “Sure. Except for all the kids who showed up safely at school on Monday after getting really drunk and, by the way, seeming to have an excellent time over the weekend.”

Indeed, the law recognizes that alcohol safety is often less about the alcohol and more about the context in which it is consumed.

In my conversations with girls, I always invoke an equation with many factors that determine the ultimate outcome. I say, “Consider a situation with the following variables: you go to a party, your friends ditch you, and there are some guys at the party who seem pretty creepy. To that equation, let’s add one more variable: whether you are totally sober, or whether you’ve had a few drinks.”

Parties where teenagers are drinking make us nervous because things can easily get out of control.” From there you could add, “We are counting on you to take great care of yourself. That means keeping your wits about you when you are in a situation that could get out of hand.”

Of course, you are well within your rights to ask your daughter to join the 20 percent of teens who conform to the legal drinking age. But don’t hand this expectation down in the absence of a broader conversation.

When I was in training to become a psychologist, I was taught to ask a specific series of questions to diagnose alcohol abuse: How much do you drink? What are you drinking? How often? Are you blacking out? And so on. I dumped this approach ages ago, especially with teenagers, because I felt as though I might as well be saying, “Now, lie to me about this. And now this. And also this.” Instead, I asked Camille a question that has served me very well over the years. “Are you worried about your drinking?”

This is why I love working with teenagers. When you ask straight questions, they almost always give straight answers.

Don’t be the bad guy. Make drugs the bad guy.

Asking you about substances doesn’t mean that she is experimenting with them.

To address the recent legalization of marijuana in some states, don’t hesitate to point out that legal isn’t the same as safe. Lots of dangerous things are legal (cigarettes, tanning beds, alcohol) and we count on consumers to make informed decisions about their own health and safety.

When I have opportunities to talk with girls about drugs I often ask matter-of-factly, “Why would you put the only brain you will ever have in the hands of some sketchy guy making money as a dealer?”

heroin, a narcotic that can be easier to obtain than ongoing access to prescription medication.

Awkward city: that’s how most parents feel about talking with our daughters about their sex lives.

You can speak to your daughter as an adult and share your own views and values at the same time.

research consistently suggests that the older girls are when they start having sex, the better they are at talking with their partners about its risks.

adolescence isn’t about us. Well, except for the part about crazy spots, which is totally about us.

Raising a young woman will be one of the most vexing, delightful, exhausting, and fulfilling things you will ever do. Sometimes all on the same day.