Hate Notes

by Vi Keeland

But you need to figure out how to love the life that you have, while you work on the life that you want.

You can only find true happiness within yourself, not inside of other people, no matter how much you care about them. Make yourself happy, and the rest will come. I promise.”

“My grandmother always said a lady gave an angel’s smile and kept her devilish thoughts to herself.” He grumbled

Charlotte, If you have any further questions about Bridgehampton, feel free to air-type them up for me. Reed

“You’re going to make one unlucky woman a miserable husband and impatient father someday.” “No, I won’t.” “Oh? Are you nicer to women you date?” “No, I just don’t plan on getting married or having children.”

Who does that? Who gives candy to someone who just treated them like a piece of shit? Charlotte Darling does. Bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, spirited, blindingly optimistic Charlotte Darling. And I’d done nothing but try to dampen her spirits from the moment we’d met to ensure that none of her fucking sparkle rubbed off on me.

I knew I needed to apologize, but in that moment I much preferred just watching her without her knowing it. I could put my guard up as much as I wanted in front of her, but lying to myself was a lot harder; it was impossible. There was no part of me that truly disliked this woman. I only disliked the fact that she reminded me of all the things I was trying to forget.

“What are you doing here?” “I heard there was an all-you-can-eat salad bar. And I could use a drink.” “And a chill pill.” “I can’t mix the two, so I’ll settle for a beer.”

“You distracted me.” “You weren’t paying attention. That’s why you didn’t see the squirrel.”

That’s right. I wasn’t paying attention because my eyes were glued to your legs. Just like they’re currently glued to your lips. “Maybe I was a little distracted.” Our

“It’s like a bucket list. But I’m calling mine a Fuck-It List because that’s how I truly feel. Life is short, and we should never just assume we have all the time in the world to do the things we want to do. So fuck it! I mean, we almost died today.”

This woman was truly like no one I’d ever met before. In many ways, it was like she was wise beyond her years, and in other ways, like she was born yesterday.

On some level, I agreed with her live for today attitude, because you never know when life will throw you a curveball.

That was heavy and not something I was prepared to respond to. There were no words. I couldn’t fathom how anyone could abandon their child. My own feelings of abandonment seemed trivial compared with that. “I’m sorry. Wow.” “Don’t be.” She paused, looking reflective. “It wasn’t a tragedy. I ended up with two great parents. But obviously, knowing how I came to be with them is something I can’t exactly forget. And I do feel like a huge part of me is missing. Whoever she is, I forgive her. She must have been pretty desperate, but she made sure I was safe. I’d just like to find her so that I can tell her I forgive her, in case she feels guilty.”

“Why did you give me those Twizzlers?” “What do you mean?” “I mean . . . I had just barked at you. You were angry. But then you handed me the candy as if nothing had happened.” She seemed to ponder that, then said, “I could see that you were upset. I knew it had nothing to do with me but rather what my question prompted you to have to think about. I didn’t take your anger personally—aside from your using the term ‘weaseling.’ Your anger was directed toward me, I suppose, but it really wasn’t meant for me. And the truth is . . . as curious as I may be about you . . . what happened isn’t any of my business.”

Maybe it was her little list that influenced me—not sure. But I suddenly felt motivated to step out of my comfort zone—and my pants.

What the fuck? Is that . . . me? She must’ve snuck and snapped the picture on the drive out here. The picture was only of my hand, so no one except me would even know who it was. But, of course, I recognized my own damn hand. My fingers were wrapped around the steering wheel, gripping it so tight that it looked like I was attempting to choke the shit out of it. My knuckles were white, and the veins in my hand and forearm were bulging. Why was I strangling the damn steering wheel? My eyes dropped to the caption she’d given the shot: Let it go. What the hell? She had some nerve taking a picture of me and posting it on social media, even if no one would recognize it was me. Let it go. I had the urge to march three doors down and let it go, alright.

🤣🤣🤣

Create your own happiness.

gazed at her like she was the sun causing the warmth on my face. Little did I know, I should’ve doused myself in sunscreen because I was about to get burned.

Dear Charlotte: Do you know why squirrels love you so much? Because you’re NUTS. Reed

People aren’t perfect, and sometimes we need to balance the one wrong they did with all of the rights they’ve done.

“You’re not going out with Max, Charlotte.” “Why not? He’s—” “Charlotte . . .” Her name exited my mouth in a warning tone. My ears felt like they were burning. “Yes?” She smiled. My anger seemed to be amusing her.

“You’re bribing me?” “Bribery makes more sense than the unwarranted alpha-male behavior you’re exhibiting against me with no explanation right now, don’t you think?”

i love her!!!

How the hell this car ride had gone from talking about Dorothy’s grandson to my suddenly agreeing to try out for the choir was beyond me. But this was typical Charlotte. Typical annoying, insistent, sometimes clever but always . . . beautiful Charlotte. Fucking beautiful Charlotte. Fucking beautiful Charlotte who was not going anywhere near my brother.

You gave me the idea. I have no problem admitting that. I figured if you liked it, it must be worthwhile, since there’s so little you seem to enjoy.”

can’t, Charlotte. I’m sorry. I just can’t date anyone right now. The reasons are too complicated to get into. But my saying no has everything to do with me and absolutely nothing to do with you. I think you’re remarkable. You need to know that.”

“This is someone who is closed off. No one can get in. But nothing can get out, either.”

This is open . . . you might have to let someone in that you weren’t expecting, but . . . it also allows the people that you had stuck inside—to leave.”

“I’m so sorry to have hurt you. I don’t know how to be around you anymore. Don’t mistake my apprehension for lack of interest. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite, a constant battle. The truth is, I’ve been fighting my feelings for you for a very long time. And it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But I know with one hundred percent certainty that I am not the right man for you. You’re a dreamer, Charlotte. The biggest dreamer of them all. And you deserve to be with someone who won’t ever hold you back in life.”

“I’m trying so hard to do the right thing here. If I slip and let myself have you, I’m never going to want to let you go. And that wouldn’t be fair. I dream of what it would be like to get fully lost in you, to not have any cares in the world. God, you’d probably want to have me arrested if you knew all the things I’ve done to you in my head. I want to do crazy fucking things to you. It’s all so close that I can taste it, but in reality, it’s so far away. Anyway, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you tonight. You deserve better. You deserve the world. And you’re gonna make some lucky bastard the happiest man on the planet someday.” My chest constricted at the thought. The idea of Charlotte with another man made me feel physically ill. But I couldn’t have her, and I needed to learn how to let her go.

“Because this house is the most amazing property I’ve ever had the privilege to represent. To not want to live in it, to not experience all of its splendor on a daily basis because you’re worried about the potential of a storm, is ludicrous.” “You don’t think that my fear should stop me from enjoying this beautiful house to its fullest—” “No, I don’t.” She added, “Because the storm may never come.” “That’s right.” “So, if this house represented life . . . then you don’t believe you should live your life based on fear.”

I will never see things the way you do, Reed. I will never understand how someone wouldn’t accept even limited quality time with the person they love over none at all. Then again, it’s not love if you could walk away from someone. Life’s not perfect. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. In fact, I almost did this morning!”

“That said, I understand your fears. The one thing I can’t do is force you to see things the way I do. If this is how you truly feel, then I want you to know you’ll always have a friend in me at the very least.”

That was what I wanted for Charlotte, to be able to live out all her fuck-it dreams without anything holding her back.

They say love is blind, but apparently in my case, it was deaf, dumb, and blind.

“Jealousy isn’t flattering on you, Eastwood.” “I’m not jealous,” I gritted through my teeth. A slow, evil smile spread across her face. “Really? So you wouldn’t mind if I told you how handsome Blake is?”

“Reed, you’re my grandson, and I love you very much. Although you’re a horse’s ass sometimes. Life dealt you a shitty hand, yes. But that doesn’t mean you fold. That means you take a deep breath and pull all the crappy cards you’re holding, toss them in the center of the pile, and grab four new ones. Have some balls, son. Don’t fold like a wimp.”

“And, sweetheart, we live in New York City. There are two things we don’t have to chase after: trains and men. Because there’ll always be another one ready to pick us up right behind the first.”

Reed thinks he’s a burden. But the truth is, he has a burden, and it’s easier to handle when it’s shared.”

“You’re right. He does. The two of you fight like an old married couple, flirt like you’re in high school, and confide in each other like you’re lifelong best friends. My grandson isn’t pushing you away because he’s afraid to fall for you. He’s pushing you away because he already has.”

“You’ve been hurt before, and with Reed you’re fighting another uphill battle. Don’t forget to put yourself first. Push Reed, but keep pushing yourself, too, Charlotte.”

I love you Iris!!!

“I can’t be mad at you. Despite how you got here . . . you came into my world and breathed life into it when I really needed it.” “And now you’re pushing me away.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Reed. I do understand. After the last week, I understand better than anyone. Because I would rather have had these last nine days with my mother that ended in pain than never have known her at all. I don’t care if our time is shorter or more difficult—I just want whatever it is we can have.”

I’m not sure anyone really has that answer. But I like to think that maybe heaven is a better place than here and death isn’t always a punishment, but sometimes it’s a reward to put people out of their pain.”

“I think it’s better to spend years treasuring a memory that might hurt sometimes than to never make one at all.”

Love wasn’t about a beautiful dress, a note, or even poignant words. It was about being with someone through thick and thin, about seeing them through not only the best moments of life but also the worst. It was about being there for someone like I would have been there for Reed if he’d let me. I thought of my birth mother. True love was also about forgiveness.

“You can’t make someone love a person. But the opposite is also true. Nothing can make someone unlove a person, either. I have tried so hard not to love you, Charlotte. But I love you with all of my heart and soul.”

What I feel for you is beyond what I’ve ever felt in my life. Even the MS . . . everything had to happen exactly the way it did for me to be with you. I wouldn’t change anything if it still meant finding you.

I just hope I can make you as happy as you make me.”

From the desk of Reed Eastwood To my one true love and soulmate, Charlotte, I don’t need the help of a poet to articulate my love for you. But to try to reduce it to a couple of sentences could never do my feelings justice. Even my wildest dreams could never have conjured up the level of love in my heart today. You’re beyond my wildest dreams. My love for you is infinite. You. Are. Everything. Your love, Reed