Hate Notes

by Vi Keeland

“She said, ‘Forgive me for being a dreamer,’ and he took her by the hand and replied, ‘Forgive me for not being here sooner to dream with you.’”—J. Iron Word Thank you for making all of my dreams come true.

“When God was making the mold for good-looking men, he asked one of his angels what else he should add to make a man more attractive in her eyes. The angel didn’t want to be disrespectful by using foul language, so she simply said, ‘Give him a big stick.’ Unfortunately, the added piece was put on backward, and now all good-looking men are born with a large stick up their tuchus.”

I sighed loudly. “You know what happens when people open up to each other?” Reed didn’t answer, so I continued via a demonstration. I cupped my hands together tight as if I was holding a ball inside them. “This is someone who is closed off. No one can get in. But nothing can get out, either.” I opened my hands and held them cupped side by side as if I were waiting for someone to place something in them. “See. This is open . . . you might have to let someone in that you weren’t expecting, but . . . it also allows the people that you had stuck inside—to leave.”

“I know none of this makes any sense.” I started to open up, knowing she likely wasn’t going to process it. “I’m so sorry to have hurt you. I don’t know how to be around you anymore. Don’t mistake my apprehension for lack of interest. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite, a constant battle. The truth is, I’ve been fighting my feelings for you for a very long time. And it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But I know with one hundred percent certainty that I am not the right man for you. You’re a dreamer, Charlotte. The biggest dreamer of them all. And you deserve to be with someone who won’t ever hold you back in life.”

I covered her hand with mine. “You’re beautiful, and you have no idea how tempting that offer is. But there’s someone else.” “You’re seeing someone?” I shook my head. “No. But I’d still feel like I was cheating.” Maya stared at me for a moment, then pushed up on her toes and kissed my cheek. “I hope she knows what a lucky bitch she is. Because Allison sure didn’t.”

“Reed, you’re my grandson, and I love you very much. Although you’re a horse’s ass sometimes. Life dealt you a shitty hand, yes. But that doesn’t mean you fold. That means you take a deep breath and pull all the crappy cards you’re holding, toss them in the center of the pile, and grab four new ones. Have some balls, son. Don’t fold like a wimp.”

“And, sweetheart, we live in New York City. There are two things we don’t have to chase after: trains and men. Because there’ll always be another one ready to pick us up right behind the first.”

“Tell me about the man who sent you those beautiful flowers. Is your heart torn? Maybe you want to move on but you’re struggling? I know you care about Reed.” “Yes. No. Yes.” Iris smiled. “Clear as mud.”

“That’s the thing. Reed thinks he’s a burden. But the truth is, he has a burden, and it’s easier to handle when it’s shared.”

The two of you fight like an old married couple, flirt like you’re in high school, and confide in each other like you’re lifelong best friends.

“I can’t be mad at you. Despite how you got here . . . you came into my world and breathed life into it when I really needed it.”

We’ve been struggling to take her off life support. We all had this feeling that it wasn’t time yet.” He looked up at Charlotte. “Now it makes sense. We were all waiting for you. She was waiting for you.”

After a few minutes she said, “Do you believe in God, Reed?” For months after my diagnosis, I’d contemplated that exact question. I wasn’t sure I did. But then I’d realized I was afraid to not believe, which meant that I actually did believe there was something to be afraid of. “I do.” “Do you believe in heaven?” “I think so.”

“Why would God let someone so young die?” “I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about that very question. And the answer is, I have no idea. I’m not sure anyone really has that answer. But I like to think that maybe heaven is a better place than here and death isn’t always a punishment, but sometimes it’s a reward to put people out of their pain.”

“I think it’s better to spend years treasuring a memory that might hurt sometimes than to never make one at all.”

Abandonment is a trauma and causes post-traumatic stress disorder—most people don’t realize that.”

“Ass over head in love with her.”

“I’m feeling very lost, like I’m here but I’m not. I don’t really know how to explain it. So much of my life had been spent wondering where I came from. I feel this weird void now. But it’s more than that, more than my mother’s passing. I feel like I’m at a turning point in my life, but one where I don’t even know what my options are, only that something needs to change. Yet I don’t have the energy to think about any of it or figure it out. I haven’t even wanted to get out of bed most days.”

“You know, if someone really loves you, they would rather have any time with you than none at all, right? When you love someone, even taking care of them when they can’t take care of themselves is an honor, not a burden.”

do something, take your mind off it, but you can’t even pinpoint what it is. It’s just a feeling of emptiness that follows you around. Sometimes, it just needs to pass on its own. It will pass. Your mind will clear, you’ll figure out what you want, and you’ll get your spark back.”

It’s killing me that you’re hurting. Come home with me. Let me take care of you. I love you. I love you, Charlotte.

I was ready to put the fairy tale to bed. Love wasn’t about a beautiful dress, a note, or even poignant words. It was about being with someone through thick and thin, about seeing them through not only the best moments of life but also the worst. It was about being there for someone like I would have been there for Reed if he’d let me. I thought of my birth mother. True love was also about forgiveness.

As alone as I was here, I didn’t feel lonely, mainly because of all the other people around me enjoying solitude. Take, for example, the artist sitting in the corner, sketching something. I was in good company in being alone. And that was comforting.

I suppose it isn’t until that point that you realize just how much the person matters at all—until they leave you.

It was funny how sometimes the universe placed something in front of you that was exactly what you needed to see at exactly the right time.

To my one true love and soulmate, Charlotte, I don’t need the help of a poet to articulate my love for you. But to try to reduce it to a couple of sentences could never do my feelings justice. Even my wildest dreams could never have conjured up the level of love in my heart today. You’re beyond my wildest dreams. My love for you is infinite. You. Are. Everything. Your love, Reed