Hate Notes

by Vi Keeland

Secondhand was not my issue. My problem with used wedding dresses was the stories I imagined they carried with them. Why are they here?

Every used dress had a story, and mine belonged on the He turned out to be a cheating son of a bitch rack. I sighed and returned to the two women bickering at the front desk in Russian.

Toward the back of the store, I found a rack labeled CUSTUM MADE. I smiled.

Deep down, I was a custum girl—misspelling intended.

“She said, ‘Forgive me for being a dreamer,’ and he took her by the hand and replied, ‘Forgive me for not being here sooner to dream with you.’”—J. Iron Word Thank you for making all of my dreams come true. Your love, Reed

I loosened my defenses in concession. “So you knew from the very beginning?” “Of course I knew,” he spat. “Let’s look at some of the other things you can’t seem to remember entering on your application.” Oh no. Reed opened the folder. “Occupation: dog-surfing instructor. Hobbies and interests: dogs and surfing. Previous employment: night manager at Deez Nuts.” He tossed the folder aside—more like

whipped it across the room. The contents went flying.

Reed was silent. So I continued. “And I do read, Reed. I was embarrassed to tell you the truth. I still read romance, but only the books with hard-core sex since I’m not getting any at the moment because I don’t trust anyone enough to let them near me after my fiancé cheated on me. So, yeah . . . I read, Reed. I read a lot. And I would use the shit out of that library, except the books on my shelves wouldn’t be anything you’d be able to display to stuffy prospective buyers.” His mouth curved up a bit.

“When God was making the mold for good-looking men, he asked one of his angels what else he should add to make a man more attractive in her eyes. The angel didn’t want to be disrespectful by using foul language, so she simply said, ‘Give him a big stick.’ Unfortunately, the added piece was put on backward, and now all good-looking men are born with a large stick up their tuchus.”

But you need to figure out how to love the life that you have, while you work on the life that you want.

You can only find true happiness within yourself, not inside of other people, no matter how much you care about them. Make yourself happy, and the rest will come. I promise.”

Actually, that’s exactly what she was doing—typing something in the air. I had to ask. “What in God’s name are you doing?” She continued the motion as she spoke. “I’m typing all the things I really want to say to you, to get it all out without actually having to say the words. Trust me, this is what’s best for both of us.” Her fingers kept moving. I couldn’t help but laugh under my breath. “You’d rather look like a complete idiot than say what's on your mind?” She finally stopped moving her fingers. “Yes.” “Did you remember to hit ‘Send’?” I mocked. Charlotte didn’t find my sarcasm funny. “Telling you what I was thinking would have been unprofessional. I don’t want to risk losing my job on the very first day.” “I see you learned a lot about professionalism during your time at Deez Nuts.” “Screw you.” “Whoa. Someone needs a ‘Backspace’ key.”

I grimaced. “Grandmother . . . what are you trying to pull here?” “She’ll be a great addition to our staff.” Pointing back toward the door, I yelled, “That woman? That woman has no experience. Not to mention, she’s crazy and a known liar. You should’ve seen the ridiculous things she put on her application to see that penthouse.” She grinned mockingly. “Dog surfing, I know.” “You know about that, and you hired her anyway?” I started to pace, my blood pressure rising.

“You can’t bicker with someone whose mode of communication is to silently air-type her side of the argument.” “What?”

“Christ, you didn’t see her doing that?” I couldn’t help but chuckle. “She said she didn’t want to tell me what she was really thinking for fear of losing her job, so she pretended to be typing in the air like a loon to get it out of her system. This is the whack job you hired.” My grandmother bent her head back in laughter.

He reached into his pants pocket and took out his cell. “Program your number in, in case there’s a change of plans.” I started to type. First name: Charlotte Last name: Darling Company: I inwardly smirked as I ruminated over typing in Deez Nuts but then thought better of it. At least I thought I’d inwardly smirked. “What are you doing wrong?” Reed craned his neck, peering over to look at his phone. “Nothing.” “Then why did I see a flash of the devil on your face for a moment?”

“My grandmother always said a lady gave an angel’s smile and kept her devilish thoughts to herself.”

At the top were the embossed letters that read From the desk of Reed Eastwood. I took a deep breath and read the rest: Charlotte, If you have any further questions about Bridgehampton, feel free to air-type them up for me.

Reed

I pointed to the glove compartment. “There are wipes in there.” Her little nose wrinkled in confusion. I sighed. “To clean off your hands.” That devilish smirk was back. Charlotte held up her hands, palms toward me, and waved them in front of my face, taunting. “Are you a germaphobe?” “Just wipe them off.” This was going to be one long-ass day.

Dear Charlotte: Do you know why squirrels love you so much? Because you’re NUTS. Reed

“Why not? He’s—” “Charlotte . . .” Her name exited my mouth in a warning tone. My ears felt like they were burning. “Yes?” She smiled. My anger seemed to be amusing her. It was like a jealous beast that could no longer be tamed had ripped its way through my body. “You’re. Not. Going. Out. With. Max.” Without any real justification for my actions, I waited for her reaction. I couldn’t articulate the reason why she was forbidden from dating my brother because I didn’t even truly understand my rage. I just knew that I couldn’t handle even the idea of Charlotte and Max.

take some advice from an old man who has learned from more mistakes than you even realize you’re capable of making yet. One man’s overlooked blessing is soon another man’s gain.”

“If I wanted to get something past you, I would, Darling.” “Darling as in my last name, with a big D not a little d, right? That’s okay, I like big Ds.” She did not just say that. I bet you do, Charlotte. And in another life, maybe I’d give it to you.

I guzzled the third drink; it was watered down enough to taste like shit but still did the trick. Digging in my pocket, I tossed a hundred-dollar bill on the bar and spoke to the bartender. “I’ll take another.” “You sure? You’re downing ’em pretty fast there, buddy.” “The woman I’m fucking crazy about asked me to help her zip up the sexy little dress she wore on her date tonight.” The bartender nodded. “I’ll keep ’em coming.”

After Iris left, we looked at each other. I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for the way I acted.” “Apology accepted. And I’m sorry for calling you a narcissistic bastard.” My brows drew down. “You didn’t.” She smiled. “Oh. Well, I thought it, then.”

“That’s the thing. Reed thinks he’s a burden. But the truth is, he has a burden, and it’s easier to handle when it’s shared.” Iris stared at me. “You’ve really fallen for him, haven’t you?” A warm tear slipped down my face as I nodded. “I know he cares about me, too. I can see it.” “You’re right. He does. The two of you fight like an old married couple, flirt like you’re in high school, and confide in each other like you’re lifelong best friends. My grandson isn’t pushing you away because he’s afraid to fall for you. He’s pushing you away because he already has.”

“I’m Ed. Ready to drive?” She looked at me and smiled, then bounced back on the heels of her feet. “I am!” Charlotte took the driver’s seat while the instructor sat on the passenger’s side. I crouched down behind them in what looked like the driver’s sleeper cabin. “The very first thing you need to do is check your fluids.” “Oh, I’m okay. I drank a lot of water today.” He laughed. “Fluids are at the front of the truck, darlin’. I’ll show you.”

“I can handle a lot of my work remotely.” “Not showings, you can’t.” “I have staff that can fill in for me. I’m here as long as you need me.” He held out his hand. “And I rather enjoy holding your hand, if you want the truth.” I placed my hand in his and walked the two steps to close the distance between us. Pushing up on my tippy-toes, I kissed his cheek, then whispered in his ear, “That Allison . . . total fucking moron.”

She swatted at my chest. “When I was in kindergarten, we learned the Pledge of Allegiance. Since we were just starting to read and a lot of the words were big, the teacher taught it to us one line at a time. I was really proud that I’d memorized it. So one night, I unscrewed the flag my parents had in a flagpole on the porch and stood after dinner to show off how smart I was.” “Go on . . .” She sat up in bed. It was dark, but I could see her hand go to her chest. “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for Richard Stamps, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.” I cracked up. “You thought for which it stands was Richard Stamps?” “My parents thought it was amusing, too. It sort of became our little inside joke. Whenever my dad would say to my mom, ‘What was that guy’s name we met at the party the other night?’ my mother would say, ‘Richard Stamps.’ So when my parents surprised me for my seventh birthday with a puppy, his name was obviously meant to be Richard Stamps.” “Obviously.”

But I like to think that maybe heaven is a better place than here and death isn’t always a punishment, but sometimes it’s a reward to put people out of their pain.”

“I think it’s better to spend years treasuring a memory that might hurt sometimes than to never make one at all.”

Taking a deep breath in and out, I conceded, “Ass over head in love with her.” “Then be with her. She knows everything about you. She’s accepted it. Be with her, Reed.” “What if I can’t? What if the guilt is too much? How do I leave her? Tell me how to leave her.” “There’s no happy medium. Either you be with her, or you stop. You just stop cold turkey. You don’t lead her on anymore, and you don’t try to be her friend, or be her fucking hero, because we both know that’s a bunch of bullshit. You’re beyond that point. And I hate to say it, but you really can’t work together if you decide to walk away from this. That shit won’t work. You’ll continue to slip, and you’ll end up in the same situation, and that’s not fair. So either shit or get off the pot. And you’d better find her a new job if you decide to walk away. She’ll be okay. Believe me, there are plenty of men who would love to lick her wounds.”

“You said you have the temp there for up to thirty days?” “Longer if need be. Just take all the time you need.” “I might in fact need more time. I’m thinking of doing some traveling.” My stomach dipped. “Where are you going?” “I haven’t decided yet.”

“I will. Good night, Reed.” “Charlotte?”

“Yes?” I didn’t even know why I’d called her name out, why I didn’t just let her go. It wasn’t like I could say the things I wished I could. It’s killing me that you’re hurting. Come home with me. Let me take care of you. I love you. I love you, Charlotte. “Take care of yourself,” I simply said.

Love wasn’t about a beautiful dress, a note, or even poignant words. It was about being with someone through thick and thin, about seeing them through not only the best moments of life but also the worst. It was about being there for someone like I would have been there for Reed if he’d let me. I thought of my birth mother. True love was also about forgiveness.

Charlotte had no idea the level of impact she’d had on my life, the depth of my feelings for her, because I’d never told her. Who could blame her for thinking she had nothing to lose at this point? Fuck, if the roles were reversed, I’d be on a sleeper train with Blake, too. I’d been bullshitting myself and Charlotte for months. She believed the man who wrote the note was mostly gone. But the truth was . . . even if she wasn’t with another man, I wanted to be the one to make love to her on that train.

Traveling on a sleeper car through Italy was nothing like I’d imagined. It was a lonely, uncomfortable experience. I missed home. I miss Reed. As sad as that made me, it was the truth.

He breathed into my neck. “Oh, beautiful. I missed you, too.” Pulling back to look at me, he said, “Bonnie Raitt was right . . .” “What do you mean?” He stared into my eyes for several seconds before he said, “You can’t make someone love a person. But the opposite is also true. Nothing can make someone unlove a person, either. I have tried so hard not to love you, Charlotte. But I love you with all of my heart and soul.” Tears fell harder as I wrapped my arms around his neck. “God, Reed, I love you so much.”

“I love you, Charlotte. I love you so much, and I’m so sorry that I don’t know how to stop. I can’t fucking stop. I’m a selfish bastard. And I need you by my side even if it ends up ruining your life. I need you.” “You’ve saved my life, and I don’t ever want to live without you.” “As long as I’m breathing, you won’t have to.”

“Is this for real, Reed?” Still inside of me, he kissed my neck and said, “This is the realest thing I’ve ever experienced. I

want it all, Charlotte. I want to marry you, I want you to have my babies if that’s what you want, and I want to give you everything you’ve ever dreamed of.” His proclamation caused me to really burst into tears. “Did I say something wrong?” he asked. “No. I’m so happy, Reed.”

I started to replay the events of the past half hour in my head. “Hey . . . what made you think I was here with a man?” “Iris. She put the idea in my head that Blake was here with you.” Closing my eyes, I had to laugh. Iris knew full well that I didn’t go out with Blake. She’d said that to make Reed jealous. She’d totally tricked him. I’d have to remember to thank her.

As the meeting wrapped up, I took my pen and scribbled on my notepad. From the desk of Reed Eastwood Charlotte, Take the rest of the afternoon off. Boss’s orders. I slipped her the note as the meeting was dispersing. She looked down at it and squinted. “What are you up to . . . boss?” “I’ve cancelled my afternoon meetings. Let’s go home and chill.” “Who are you? You’ve come a long way from the workaholic I used to know.” “Yeah, well, I have better things to do these days. Namely, you.”

“Well . . . I looked her up and asked her to make one for us.” Her mouth hung open. “Are you kidding?” Then she seemed to think about it some more. “Wait . . . how we met? That wasn’t exactly the most romantic experience; quite the opposite. This is going to be interesting.” “Well, I realized that. So let’s just say I put a unique spin on it.”

“Oh my God!” Charlotte yelled. She covered her mouth with her hand and then began laughing uncontrollably. I was holding on to my stomach in laughter myself. The artist had done a phenomenal job depicting Charlotte and me on a surfboard—with a dog in

front of us. We were dog surfing. Her interpretation of Charlotte’s face was spot on. I’d given the artist actual photos to work with. In the painting, I was on the back of the board, hanging on for dear life and looking terrified while Charlotte was laughing without a care in the world. The dog’s tongue was hanging out and his eyes looked possessed. This was classic and would forever be displayed front and center wherever we happened to be living.

When “Dream a Little Dream” by Cass Elliot started playing, I got chills. Tenley had chosen that song because Reed used to sing it to her when she was a little girl. With their hands intertwined, they rocked back and forth to the rhythm of the song. He was doing everything in his power to not show that he was struggling. I was so incredibly moved that Reed was able to do this. It meant so much, especially because of the last item he’d added to his bucket list: Dance with Tenley on Her Wedding Day. So this dance was everything.

Tenley hung on to the skirt of her gown as she rushed toward me. “Hey, Mom. I don’t want to dance around with the note in my dress. Something might happen to it. Can you take it for me?” “Of course.” Lifting up the material, I carefully unpinned the note. As her something blue, Tenley had wanted to pin the blue note that Reed had given me on our wedding day—the same note I’d worn inside of my own dress. “Thank you, Mom.” She bent down to give her father a kiss before running off.