More on this book
Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Emily Axford
Read between
July 12 - July 12, 2024
Be aware: some of our advice is not to be taken literally. This is comedy, after all. Ahead are a series of satirical stories and essays that can be applied to your own life as you see fit. You know, like the Bible.
Successfully nailing down your hook up requires DECEPTIVE PICK UP TECHNIQUES like “listening” and “making a human connection.” If you want this person eating out of the palm of your hand, try this MASTER CON: ask them a series of personal questions, based on a genuine curiosity about who they are as a person.
—Our Story— We had sex and sometimes went to restaurants.
Like any good millennial coupling, you’ve gotten to know each other biblically before getting to know each other the regular way. You’ve been face-to-face with their genitals, yet you still don’t know what their favorite band is or if they have any siblings. How do you penetrate the one orifice you haven’t explored: their soul?
When you ask someone on a date, you’re putting yourself out there. But in, like, a different way than you did when you let them lick your butthole. Going on a date requires you to use your tongue in a whole new way—to talk about things.
So how do you summon the audacity to ask someone you’ve already doinked on a date? If you’re feeling nervous, try the age-old public speaking technique: picture them naked! This should be easy considering you have already seen them naked, on multiple occasions, from a variety of angles.
Tinder apparently no longer lets you see when someone last used the app, but we’re including this section anyway. We’re also keeping all references to human intimacy, even though it has been replaced by advancing sex doll technology.
It used to be that a relationship began when a Stand-Up Kinda Guy gave his Letterman Jacket to his Favorite Gal. Back then, sharing a milkshake was like third base. Now you have to do butt stuff just to keep up!
We were already married by the time we would be considered a long-term relationship. But don’t worry! Everyone moves at their own pace. We just happened to move at a reckless, irresponsible one.
The beginning of a relationship is like a peacock flaunting its feathers in everyone’s face. Somewhere around month three or four, though, the feathers fall off, and you’re just a big, shitty, naked bird.
Missionary gets a bad rap because it’s named after churchies who go to Third World countries and give Bibles to people who need food. Not only is it misguided, it’s unsexy! Besides the occasional “Oh God” or “Christ, yes, pour that candle wax in my butthole,” religion has no place in the bedroom.
As feminists who seek equality both in and out of the bedroom, we believe it is essential that women sometimes take the dominant position and pound that peen with authority.
lifting. If you’re curious about more athletic positions, like Standing Jackhammer, try furiously slamming a medicine ball into your crotch at a CrossFit class instead. It’ll be just as difficult and just as pleasurable!
There’s no need to play games anymore. You’re in it for the long haul. You can stop worshiping the idea of each other and start loving each other for who you really are: total weirdos. Let your skeletons out of the closet and introduce those bony dudes to your S.O.!
When you are in a relationship, you develop a language that only you understand. If they text “Wanna get stinky with pinky?” you’ll know they mean “Would you like to go to our favorite Florribean restaurant, Pink Flamingo, and get the BBQ shrimp fritters that always give you gas?” It’s like being part of a secret society! Which is secret because no one else wants to be in it.
Now that you’re dating, you have to display pictures of yourselves dating. No clue why. It seems a little desperate, like, “Of course we didn’t marry for the green card, look at all these pictures of us hugging in different locations!” Make sure to put these desperate pictures in equally desperate frames that have LOVE or JOY written on them, in case your guests can’t read the emotion in your vacant smiles.
Not every book is fit to be displayed. For example, no one needs to know you’re Journaling Your Way to a Sexier You or Eliminating Gluten to Find God. However, everyone does need to know that you read Kurt Vonnegut and David Foster Wallace. A good bookshelf should appear highbrow while actually just trying to appeal to the widest possible audience. Like a porn star who wears glasses!
While you’d like to imagine yourself viewing Emmy-award-winning series and critically acclaimed art films, let’s be real—you’re going to watch true crime docu-series about guys who maybe/probably killed some lady. Why? Because you’re in a loving, committed relationship, which means you don’t have to pretend to be anything other than a trashy monster.
of all the Kurt Cobain documentaries—it’s a rule that every third documentary needs to be about Kurt Cobain—HBO’s Montage of Heck is probably the best. At the very least, the fact that it’s mostly home videos makes it the most invasive, and we know you love that, you sick piece of shit.
Hulu streams shows from Investigation Discovery, a cable channel that is essentially 24/7 murder porn. Specifically murder porn that is entirely trashy reenactments and doesn’t even try to fool you with artsy documentary footage filmed from inside a moving car. You can stream primo death-smut like Scorned: Love Kills, Southern Fried Homicide, and Psychic Investigators. If you like terrible acting and watching people kill each other in lingerie—look no further. Our favorite is Swamp Murders. You’d think that they’d eventually run out of murders that took place in swamps, but nope!
If having kids is a full-time job, then having friends with kids is a part-time job where you listen to your friends talk about how having kids is a full-time job. Sow your oats now, because soon your conversations will revolve around things like whether or not the baby likes oats.
Obviously, you can’t buy a perfect diamond. They’re incredibly rare and expensive. Plus, it would be strange to call anything perfect that puts weapons in the hands of African warlords. Your priorities when buying a diamond should look something like this: • Cut • Color • Clarity • Carat • Human Lives
HOW TO ASK FOR HER DAD’S PERMISSION LIKE A GOOD LITTLE BOY You can’t trust your girlfriend to make a decision for herself. Yes, she has her own apartment and pays her own bills, but when it comes down to making big decisions like who to bone, her father knows best. It’s a longstanding tradition to ask for the father’s blessing, harkening back to the days when women were just part of a dowry transaction. It’s like trading livestock. Would you just run onto a farm and start having sex with one of the sheep? No, you’d check with the farmer first!
True love is built on trust, but engagement is built on secrets. Especially when it comes to the ring. Once it’s in your possession, you must do everything short of a presidential motorcade to protect it. Put it in a condom and swallow it, then poop it out at a romantic moment. Have it surgically implanted. Bake it into a loaf of pumpernickel bread that she won’t go near cuz she’s “gluten-sensitive.”
Feminism to Baby Boomers is like the Headless Horseman to Sleepy Hollow: everyone’s got a story about how it destroyed a friend of a friend, but none of them have ever actually seen it.
We got married in a venue that looked like The Shire from Lord of the Rings. All of the tables were named after Middle-earth locations. Before you ask, yes, we did make the people we didn’t like sit in Mordor.
