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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Emily Axford
You do the same thing when you sleep with someone who should be below your standards. Like somebody who doesn’t have a job, or even worse, somebody who works in social media. That’s not hooking up. That’s hooking down.
You do the same thing when you sleep with someone who should be below your standards. Like somebody who doesn’t have a job, or even worse, somebody who works in social media. That’s not hooking up. That’s hooking down.
That perfect skin you were hoping was just the result of really good lighting is actually the product of years of acai bowls, tofu scrambles, seitan skewers, and ethical dining. Think of all the healthy shits this person takes from not eating a plate of nachos they made with Doritos instead of regular tortilla chips because, “What the hey, it’s Sunday!”
You scrolled all the way back to when they were a “we.”
You’re a magnet, attracting every what-if and could’ve-been from the past five years.
You’ve only been in a relationship for a few weeks, but already, being single is like a distant memory. The love bug bit you, then laid eggs in your ears, and rotted your brain with joy. You’ve become what you once hated: an insufferable, happy person.
Think of it as a surprise party meets a Broadway musical meets a YouTube channel that you’re trying to get off the ground. If your proposal doesn’t lead to a sponsorship deal down the line, then why are you proposing at all? It’s not easy to go viral these days. Oh, you hired a flash mob? Everyone hires a flash mob. That’s about as obligatory as getting down on one knee. You flew in her family? Unless all of them are on active military duty and you’re planning on reuniting them with their pets while you propose, you’re about as viral as your dad’s vacation slideshow. Your future fiancée is
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The engagement period has become so much more than just an eight- to fourteen-month buffer for your friends to remember to RSVP to your wedding. It’s become a celebration in itself. A gaggle of miniparties to prep you for The Big One.
In addition to footing the bill, your parents will be on their best behavior. Another family just entered the picture and that’s going to mean stiff competition for holiday visits. Break bread and enjoy the peace before Thanksgiving turns into a war zone.
When breaking the news, be careful. You are walking on eggshells here, and since most eggs were born on farms, they tend to be pretty conservative. The most important thing is to not come across as a feminist. Feminism to Baby Boomers is like the Headless Horseman to Sleepy Hollow: everyone’s got a story about how it destroyed a friend of a friend, but none of them have ever actually seen it.
And to that, we say: ha ha ha ha ha hahahahah ha hah ah a hahaha. Ha HAHA. [tears fill our eyes as our laughter turns to wheezing and we nearly suffocate from laughter] [we sigh with cathartic bliss] [we glow with Buddha-like enlightenment that’s, like, also a little smug] [you feel dumb]
It’s for things old people think you want. They assume that you just moved into a giant house together—like they did when they got married—and now you need plates, silverware, and various kitchen gadgets to fill it up. They don’t realize that you live in a four-hundred-square-foot apartment with no room for maple syrup cruets, asparagus steamers, or hope for the economy to ever recover.
Have you ever tried to order a pizza with a group of people? Every-one’s needs are so different, you end up with some half–sausage and olives, quarter-Hawaiian, quarter-vegan monstrosity that no one feels good about. That’s what your guest list is going to look like. Just a hot mess of pineapples and soyzzarella.
