Kindle Notes & Highlights
I wonder if that is the real fear that haunts millions of childless women, or those trapped in mute marriages—afraid of not being able to procreate timely, failing the highest duty of a wife and the ultimate benchmark of the average Indian family:
I wondered if he viewed me as desperate? Why would he mock me then? Even picking on my poor mother, blaming her, in some measure for my single status. I pondered about why there wasn’t a line of protocol for a doctor, just as there should be in any other profession—meaning, if he crossed the line of decency or professional conduct, how, as a woman, I had every right to complain to a consumer forum,
This may be perceived as a deliberate choice you made, and this is a country where a woman’s choices are never quite hers to begin with,’ she hangs up in a huff.
men, the ‘settled-at-30’ checklist includes a stable job, material possessions like a car, a home EMI, savings, etc., for women, it’s pretty much a lopsided formula that sums it up in two words: marriage and motherhood.
Then there is another section of the desi crowd that judge whenever they see a single woman past her so-called prime hanging out with a bunch of men and drinking and smoking uninhibitedly. Immediately, she gets branded as a woman with loose morals and whispers run down the corridors that she’s sleeping around. This crucification of a woman’s character is inevitable post
30, if she is single!’
Feminism is mostly made to appear apologetic in Bollywood because we are constantly catering to
the masses and our social fabric is constructed to fit women into a cookie-cutter mould.’
‘Simultaneously, the pressure of motherhood acts as another huge detriment. In fact, I was once told by a man that the only reason he’s agreeing to marriage is wanting to father children, otherwise he has no interest in matrimony. Personally, I’ve never wanted kids, and I’ve realised how that can act as a major deal-breaker, because for Indian men conservatively brought up, craving their own progeny is almost seen as a fundamental right—a control mechanism, in other words,’ Riya analyses.
Most families in India want to get rid of the societal liability of their daughters living with them, so that they don’t face these embarrassing questions.
To mail my latest photo “no later than tomorrow” to some prospective who wants to basically check out my physical attributes and then turn me down randomly on the basis of my skin colour or waist size, for her to run to the nearest astrologer and source information on the NRI guy’s dad’s demands at the earliest, then match kundlis obsessively,
wear stones and rings on practically all my fingers, maintain staunch vraths, travel cross-country to sip coffee with strangers who think they have a right to run me down and objectify my womanhood. So no more of this circus for me!’ Her vehemence strangely familiar …
feel it’s very hard for a woman with a mind of her own to find a companion of her choice.’
I mean, was this the new form of dowry? Fair, slim, convent-educated, working, and clinically manufactured—a blemish-free bride?
she admits rather matter-of-factly, ‘My guy friends who also are into dating are basically looking for skinny hot women who they can basically flaunt as arm candy.
somewhere I, too, was tired of dressing up like a bride and serving sherbet and answering asinine questions like if I could cook, what time I got back from my job and if I loved children.
And remember: a marriage or a relationship based on looks is not just superficial,
but silly in the end. Also, have you seen most Indian men after a certain age!
But in our country, a woman rejecting motherhood, and by assumption therefore also marriage is perceived as a pure biological disaster.’
Isn’t prevention of cancer a more telling topic than dissecting pregnancy and contrived marriage counselling? I mean, why are we always assuming a woman must crave children?
‘I told him, “What’s so great in our genes that we need to extend our own bloodline? I’d rather provide a home to a homeless child”,’ she asserts.
My mother taught me to think and not do things just to please society,’
she’s met since she and her family started looking out for a matrimonial alliances from 2007-2008. ‘Everyone in India is married by 30 and most even have kids by then,’ stoically observes Pallavi while recalling the humiliation of putting herself out there with a man asking her point-blank if she was still a virgin (a common question it seems).
‘Men in India are looking for a sati savitri at home, Sunny Leone sex bomb in bed and Chanda Kocchar at the
workplace, a woman bringing home a whopping six-figure salary to share home loans and other EMIs and work tirelessly in the kitchen and look after the kids. I am so wary of all these matrimonial sites. I often happen to notice married colleagues who just create profiles
The misogyny in arranged alliances in India is sickening and possibly the lowest common denominator of patriarchy.
And yet, most single women, despite their educational qualifications and professional successes, seem to have unanimously
dipped, at least once, into this...
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connected to the larger man-woman equation here. The way a classmate at a school reunion had once smirked, “Gosh you’re 31 and still unmarried!” When I retorted, “Big deal! You’re single too,” he bragged, “Well, I am a man.” That’s the standard answer of men because they can get away with anything in a country where daughters are largely seen as a liability and must be wedded by a certain age.
‘In India, guys have the option of marrying a much younger girl. In fact, that’s what they all prefer too—since marriage and motherhood are synonymous and the younger the catch, the more virginal and more likely to reproduce faster formulae. But women, as they get older, are seen as rejected/defective pieces in the marriage market that operates on a kind of primitive perfection. It’s like a fish market, and a nubile, young bride happens to be the most prized catch,’ Misha sums up her state of mind.
Having met 17-18 guys during this period, she recalls how being a young divorcee, it was naturally assumed that something was wrong with her!
“the only priority should be housework”. In short, if one is single, nothing beats the space, freedom and independence one has.
Yes, I do still feel that I must get a life partner, but am looking
for companionship, deep love and mutual respect—three
how many women even own up to depression?’ questions Pooja, adding in the same breath that single women in India aren’t trained to be alone—with parents of a single daughter always assuming somewhere that she will get married eventually.
privacy.’ The concept of allowing your kids to just be as they are, thoroughly alien to a traditional Indian family, remains one of the primary deal-breakers.
On the flip side, she observes that it’s probably easier to ‘just date’ overseas, should you want to. ‘Apps like Tinder, OK Cupid, etc., make sex, relationships and hook ups as easy as ordering pizza! You decide what you want, and no one judges you,’
‘Never give up your job after marriage and kids, do something. And don’t back on parental support or that from your siblings and friends, in the case of walking out.
“I can’t marry you, babe. You know, you are divorced. But you can be my dirty little secret. I will always take care of you.” I’m his dirty, little (big in my case) secret. By the way, these are the same guys who want a ‘virgin’ bride. My last lover said, “I can’t help but sleep with you. You are so curvy, so hot. But my mom and sis won’t agree to marriage! You are just too open, too sexy and way too vocal.”’
be be a glorified maid, which is not my calling. I don’t think prospective mothers-in-law have also ever heard of the word “choice,” as most of them weren’t allowed to go out and earn a living back in their time. But they should realise that their son isn’t solely their pet project, or pet, anymore. He is a grown man. And he needs a wife, NOT another mother.’
The most important thing for Indian parents to do is to prepare their daughters for the reality of marriage, instead of painting a rosy picture and sermonising on ‘duty and sacrifice’—that is totally passé, given the skyrocketing rates of divorce in India.
