Dibs: In Search of Self

by Virginia M. Axline

“I feel very uncomfortable when he does that,” she added, after a long pause. “It is as though he is asking for something — something that I cannot give. He is a very difficult child to understand. I have tried. Really, I have tried. But I have failed. From the beginning, when he was an infant, I could not understand him. I had never really known any children before Dibs. I had no real experience as a woman with children or babies. I didn’t have the slightest idea what they were like, really like as persons, that is. I knew all about them biologically, physically, and medically. But I could never understand Dibs. He was such a heartache — such a disappointment from the moment of his birth. We hadn’t planned on having a child. His conception was an accident. He upset all our plans. I had my professional career, too. My husband was proud of my accomplishments. My husband and I were very happy before Dibs was born. And when he was born he was so different. So big and ugly. Such a big, shapeless chunk of a thing! Not responsive at all. In fact, he rejected me from the moment he was born. He would stiffen and cry every time I picked him up!”

Very, very important development