The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters

by Priya Parker

My girlfriends offered to throw a shower for me. Like most people, we didn’t spend any time thinking about why we were having a baby shower. It wasn’t the first one we’d had in our circle of friends, and it wouldn’t be the last. It was almost becoming a routine—that great enemy of meaningful gathering. And so, with a date agreed on, my girlfriends went straight into logistics. I was excited. The problem was, my husband was, too. When I told him about the shower, he asked if he could come. I thought he was pulling my leg. Then I realized he was serious. He really wanted to attend my baby shower. At first I thought it made no sense. But in time I wondered if he had a point. I always value a circle of women in my life, but that wasn’t my highest need in this case. If I had thought about my gathering need more deeply at that moment, it probably would have been something about preparing both my husband and me for our new roles and the new chapter of our marriage as we welcomed our first child. I was becoming a mother. Anand was becoming a father. But we were also, as our doctor pointed out, transforming from a couple to a family. If I had been more thoughtful about it, I would have sought out a gathering that helped us make that weighty transition. But the structure and ritual of most baby showers—women-only, playing games, opening presents, making something crafty for the baby—were based on a different purpose. Traditional baby showers, I realized, were rituals for expecting m...