Sadie

by Courtney Summers

A body might not always be beautiful, but a body can be a beautiful deception.

Every little thing about you can be a weapon, if you’re clever enough.

I always forget fear is a conquerable thing but I learn it over and over again and that, I guess, is better than never learning it.

I’m going to kill a man. I’m going to steal the light from his eyes. I want to watch it go out. You aren’t supposed to answer violence with more violence but sometimes I think violence is the only answer.

we’re no better or worse than the people we walk amongst.”

“He gave me my first kiss. I was ten and he was seventeen. That’s what Darren was like back then.”

Disgusting

“People don’t change. They just get better at hiding who they really are.

You can’t buy people with your pain. They’ll just want away from it.

May Beth tried to scare me away from it, told me that what Mom had was a catching thing, a passed-down thing, a sleeping disease that works its way through bloodlines and if you’re lucky, it won’t wake up, but why ever tempt it? I did. I had to. And guess what? I didn’t turn into a junkie. Maybe that was the real reason May Beth never wanted me to try; it was just one more thing I’d never be able to forgive my mother for.

Her hands against my forehead, then the soothing carefulness of her fingers combing through my hair. We stayed like that for … it must have been an hour, maybe a little less. I thought, This is what it feels like to be a daughter. I thought, God, no wonder Mattie loves Mom. Then she brought her face close to mine and whispered, “I made you,” in my ear.

I realized pretty early on that the who didn’t really matter so much. That anybody who listens to me, I end up loving them just a little.

Paul taught me a person committed to silence can suggest importance, strength. So long as they’re a man, I mean. It’s not an option when you’re a girl, not unless you want people to think you’re a bitch.

I’d run my hands through her hair ’til she fell asleep and this one time … she looks up at me and she says, You made me. And I—I said, Yeah. Yeah, baby, I did.

She was never in L.A. Sadie sent the postcard.

Because of that postcard—and though it’s by no means Sadie’s fault—Mattie ran away and was murdered … and Sadie has moved through every moment since her little sister’s death knowing that.

WEST MCCRAY: Wait, I just need—just a—do you know this man? WEST MCCRAY [STUDIO]: I show her the picture of Keith. Darren. FEMALE VOICE: Oh my God. WEST MCCRAY: So you do know him? Is he here now? Was he? FEMALE VOICE: No. Yes—I mean … he was. But— WEST MCCRAY: Where is he now? FEMALE VOICE: Well, he’s— He’s dead.

If I’ve learned anything about Sadie Hunter, it was that she was almost a secondary player in her own life. She lived for Mattie, lived to love, care for and protect her little sister, with every breath.

She dyed her hair blond, and that’s Mattie’s color, but it’s mine too. And if any part of her doing that had even a little bit to do with me, I feel like I should stay here, just in case. Just in case she wants to come home to me. Just in case she’s able to.

I think you should call it The Girls. I think you should call it that for every girl I figure Sadie must have saved.

But love is complicated, it’s messy. It can inspire selflessness, selfishness, our greatest accomplishments and our hardest mistakes. It brings us together and it can just as easily drive us apart. It can drive us.