Calypso

by David Sedaris

I’ve placed a luggage rack.

I need to get one of those!

Get rid of the houseplants while you’re at it—starting with the cactus—and lock up your cleaning supplies.

Some house plants are poisonous.

It’s just this damned middle-aged period I have to get through.

Our father was a figure of authority, while Paul is more of a playmate.

Parenting styles and the times.

Our vacation over, now there’d be nothing to live for until Christmas.

Doing good deeds doesn’t make you good-looking. Take Jimmy Carter. Habitat for Humanity didn’t do a thing for those tombstone-size teeth of his.

Bwahaha

It’s scary the things that come out when you’re mad at someone.

Keep a cool head.

“A woman is told what’s going to happen in the delivery room, but how does an animal interpret this pain?”

I’m going to think about this for a long time. Thank you Mr. Sedaris!

Walking twenty-five miles, or even running up the stairs and back, suddenly seemed pointless, since without the steps being counted and registered, what use were they?

the best thing you can do for the poor is avoid joining their ranks, thus competing with them for limited goods and services.

True

loved the respect being a pediatrician brought me in Japan, even when I wore a smock and had a tower of three hats on my head.

Paul insists that apricot seeds prevent cancer but that the cancer industry—Big Cancer—wants to suppress this information,

Bwahaha. I have eaten apricot seeds and they are nasty.

Or of the pilot who somberly said as he turned off the seat belt sign at the end of a flight, “All rise.” Now that’s what I’m talking about.

Why has this never happened to me!

“Believe me, she was just fine before you came along.” But was she? Really? It’s a hard life out there for a fox. Yes, there are rabbits and birds around, but they don’t surrender easily.

And this is another thing I will be thinking about. These are worthy thoughts!

When young, the animals were sweet. Then one day they became moody and violent, like human teenagers but with claws and sharp, pointy teeth. It was their wildness reclaiming them.

I don’t like pets. Animals should only be kept if they are unable to care for themselves.