The Infinite Pieces of Us

by Rebekah Crane

Almost like I’m catching him naked.

that it feels heartless, like it didn’t care who moved in and never will.

The cactus thrives while I have chapped lips. It’s a selfish cactus, which I guess is the nature of a cactus.

I suddenly feel bad for the cactus, because it didn’t choose to be this way. It just is this way.

That’s because this place is a raisin. It doesn’t get dehydrated—it is dehydrated.

But even the cactus knows better than to be jealous of me.

“Is God real?” I ask. I know I shouldn’t, but they know I ask questions I shouldn’t ask.

Mom doesn’t want me to go down again, a road she’s trying to cover with cowboy boots and antlers and Mexican blankets that don’t match our couches, which still smell like Ohio—like rain and mud and lake water.

math homework instead. When it seems like there are too many questions that will remain unanswered, math is my solve-ation.

Beth, who sits beside me and always wears weird shirts. Or maybe they’re not weird. They’re more . . . interesting.

Pastor Rick shakes his head. “I realized I didn’t need to perform for America’s votes. I needed to impress the Big Guy instead.” He looks at the ceiling. I think I hear a girl behind me moan.

“Did he just say ‘Lollapalooza’?” Beth whispers. “Loser.”

You’re clearly not as impressed with Rick Wonder as everyone else is, so that’s a good sign. And you like math.”

make the decision, right here, right now, that Beth and I cannot be friends. That is the truth. And we moved here to avoid consequences.

One more thing—she was my best friend.

most days, I’m not really sure there is a God. Or a Jesus.

Maybe someday. When gravity doesn’t exist, and the lone medium-sized dress in my closet actually fits.

Here’s another notable thing about Esther—I was in love with Amit Kahn.

instead of brown eyes, his are a beautiful gold. And he made me laugh.

Amit is the reason we left the trampoline. Amit is the reason Hannah hates me. Amit is the reason we live in New Mexico. Knowing all of these facts, I can’t seem to forget the time he told me that I was the coefficient to his variable. A girl just doesn’t erase these magical moments from her mind. Which makes letting him go feel nearly impossible. But I need to.

Today, I will flush Amit down the toilet. At least the toilet is clean.

“How is it possible to feel a picture? You’re one-dimensional.”

How can it still feel like he’s holding her?

The bathroom was clean. I messed it up. It seems to be a trend with me.

The weird thing about living in a house that’s full of nothing is that you’re always waiting for something to come back. For something to walk in the door and take up space. Which makes sleeping tough. Things like to come back at night, when it’s dark.

There’s heat above us and below us. I am living in a kiln.

Complex Math Problem: Two sisters are stuck in the desert of New Mexico.

Just like I’m supposed to say to all the winners, even if they seem like losers.

Tom says the air in the desert is dry, so people don’t sweat. That’s how he’s able to wear long sleeves every day. I say the air in the desert is vampire air. It sucks the life out of you. Tom sometimes lies to make us feel better. I can’t really fault him for it. Today is Halloween after all. People love to play pretend.

My mouth is so dry I could sand a table.

“That’s my mom for you. Weird at times. Beautiful at times.”

“Short hair is so radical. It’s like you’re fighting the man by looking like a man, but clearly you’re a woman.” She points at my chest. “It’s trippy.”

“Isn’t it weird that we know some things will hurt us, but we do them anyway?”

How long will it take for Esther to free herself?

“The whole world is one big container. Everyone’s a hostage. That’s life.”

“Don’t worry, mon chéri. Jesús is here. I won’t let you die.” He pets my head. “Stop being so dramatic,” Moss says, pacing the other side of the room now. “She’s not going to die.”

“Perfection is overrated,” Color says. “What’s the fun in that? It’s our holes that make us interesting.”

Which leads to my theory that Hannah’s Bible is Spanx,

And then you take the Spanx off and stand naked in front of your mirror and what do you get? Reality.

sometimes it isn’t easy to look the truth in the eye. It’s easier to run.

Why must it always be women who carry the burden?

“I gave her away, too. I just didn’t want to fight anymore. Are you ever just tired of fighting?”