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Mr. Edward Nigma
You mean I can’t put my Lik-A-Stix in your Fun Dip? Open the gates of Mordor with Gandalf’s staff? Slytherin to your Chamber of Secrets? Put my email in your spam folder?
Edward? How Twilight.
Aw no just not the right reference but still funny
“And how does one look like an Edward?” Zach asks. I can hear the smile in his voice. “Pale and constipated looking?” Delia gasps and smacks at his arm. “How dare you! He was trying to resist her scent!”
“Did you just…did you just throw a fucking potato at me? In the middle of the store?”
“I don’t argue. I tactfully sway your opinions in my favor.”
“XGonGiveItToYa69. Caps the beginning of each word.”
Me: I have this theory that you’re really a stripper and you’re just embarrassed and don’t want to tell anyone about it. That’s why you work such crazy hours and come home smelling like old ladies and sadness.
Did you just ask me out on a date? I thought we talked about you trying to stick your ham in my meat wallet. Caleb: No. Do not say meat wallet. And it’s not a DATE date, just like a roomies date. Ya know, for not sucking. Me: But…what if I like sucking? Caleb: Did you just make a blow job joke? Me: …Yes. Caleb: I…I was not expecting that. Caleb: You never stop surprising me. Me: Is that a bad thing? Caleb: Not at all. Caleb: Unless you’re surprising me with herpes or something. Then that’s bad. Me: Noted.
“Your cat has three beds. Explain that.” He lifts a shoulder. “Mittens has a bed-hoarding problem. He’s in therapy for it. Don’t judge him.”
“Hey, uh, Caleb?” “Yep?” “Is that your dick poking me or your phone?” He presses his lips together, trying his hardest to hold in his laughter. “That would be my dick, Zoe.” “Oh.”
Caleb Mills is hot. Caleb Mills in a baseball cap? Hotter. Caleb Mills coaching baseball? Holy shit, hold my panties.
“Okay, grandma, calm down. I’ll remake the sauce, but you need to keep your distance. I don’t know what kind of voodoo you’re up to, but there will be none of that in my kitchen.”
“Zoe?” he says breathlessly. “Yeah?” “Move.” “Huh?” “You need to move or I’m going to kiss you like you’ve never been kissed before. I’m going to run my hands all over your body until you’re writhing beneath me in absolute want. Then I’ll devour you, and I don’t think either of us are ready to take that step just yet.” He swallows thickly. “So, please…move.”
Me: No, that is MY bed. I just let you sleep in it. Me: Speaking of, we really need to get you your own. I’m tired of waking up to the smell of your farts in the middle of the night. Caleb: Those are YOUR farts waking you up. Trust me, they wake me up too. Me: I hate you. Caleb: You can’t. Me: I can, and I do. Caleb: You can’t, and you don’t.
Me: Oh my god. How many times do I have to apologize? I was asleep when I elbowed you! Caleb: “Asleep” Caleb: I’ll tell you one of these days, Zoe. Me: Thank you. <3 Caleb: Did you just less than three me? Me: Shut up.
Me: DON’T YOU DARE MAKE FUCK OF MY DENIM! Caleb: Make fuck of? Me: FUN OF. Me: You knew what I meant, you ass. Caleb: Sometimes with you it can be quite the guessing game. Me: Are you saying I’m difficult? *cracks knuckles* Caleb: Yes, but in, like, a good way. Me: That’s what I thought. Kisses! Gotta run! Caleb: She threatens me and then runs off. Da fuck. Me: You love
“First, no bangin’. Second, we can shop or get facials or—” “I have a feeling your version of a facial isn’t my version of a facial.” I wink his way. “Guess we’ll find out, huh?” “Zoe!” “What! You started it!”
“She’s been calling me that a lot lately, read some novel about these ‘douchebag’ wrestlers—”
“You’re not so one-dimensional, Caleb, and you kind of rock my world because of it.”
“This is either going to give me a boner or a sugar rush,” Caleb says as he begins cutting into his pancakes. “Or both.”
“What? I like the antici—” “Say it!” He frowns. “I was going to before you interrupted me.” “Never mind,” I mutter. “You’ll learn one day. Now, explain yourself.”
Just the tip.
