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Must be able to pay first and last month’s rent up front. Must be okay with Breakfast & Beats. No dogs. No trying to sleep with me. Two bedrooms. One bathroom. $350/month plus electricity. If interested, email ineedarobin@gmail.com P.S. Dick pics sent directly to my grandmother. Don’t do that shit to her.
Great roomate wanted ad.... poor grandma.
FROM: ineedarobin@gmail.com TO: themredwardnigma@gmail.com SUBJECT: WTF I DID NOT MEAN A DATE DATE. Because there will be no bangin’, remember? No trying to stick your magic wang into this hot pocket. GOT IT?
These texts are so funny.
I plant myself directly in front of him, brow raised. “You him?” He glances around, eyes nervous as he wraps a hand around his drink. He takes a sip through the straw before sucking in a breath. “M-Mistress Jasmine?”
Priceless LOL
There’s a water droplet slowly making its way down, down, down beneath the towel. God do I want to see what’s beneath it. “Zoe?” His voice snaps me out of my haze and I bring my eyes to his, cheeks heating with the thoughts racing through my mind. I will not find my roommate attractive. I will not find my roommate attractive. “Go put some clothes on, Caleb.”
Now he's teasing her with his wet abs.
“Oh honey, now don’t be embarrassed. There’s no shame in taking a little bob on the knob.” She winks and then sashays away, leaving me standing there with my mouth dropped open in shock and a laughing Caleb still by my side. “Did she just…” “Yep.” “Holy hell,” I murmur. Caleb stands and wipes at the tears running down his cheeks. “I think I love that old broad.” “I think I love that old broad. I want to be her when I grow up.”
LOL so want to be that old babe
Me: Turns out I’m a sympathy puker. Me: He puked on my floor, and then I puked on my floor trying to clean it up. Like, I still love him and all, but I also kind of hate him right now. Caleb: Shit. He probably ate too fast. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that, Zoe. I promise I’ll be at home more often and all the kitten duty won’t fall to you.
Yech but laughing
“Hey, uh, Caleb?” “Yep?” “Is that your dick poking me or your phone?” He presses his lips together, trying his hardest to hold in his laughter. “That would be my dick, Zoe.” “Oh.”
LOL Zoe really
Me: You’re trying to distract me with sexy talk. Me: I’ll allow it. Please continue. Me: HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE Caleb: *winces* You saw, huh? Me: Oh, I fucking saw. ALL BUT TWO? Caleb: They were REALLY good, so it’s all your fault for being such an amazing, beautiful, generous, kind, sexy cook.
LOL he inhaled the brownies
Caleb: Keep it up and I’ll make you sleep on the couch. Me: Did you just threaten to kick me out of my own bed? Caleb: It’s OUR bed. Me: No, that is MY bed. I just let you sleep in it. Me: Speaking of, we really need to get you your own. I’m tired of waking up to the smell of your farts in the middle of the night. Caleb: Those are YOUR farts waking you up. Trust me, they wake me up too.
LOL fart humour they ARE very coupled
Caleb: Do you give all the people you like black eyes? Me: Oh my god. How many times do I have to apologize? I was asleep when I elbowed you! Caleb: “Asleep” Caleb: I’ll tell you one of these days, Zoe. Me: Thank you. <3 Caleb: Did you just less than three me? Me: Shut up.
LOL black eye elbow shot
Me: I think I still need some time to cool off. I have a project due next week and I need to focus on that. I think you need to take some time to decide how you’re going to continue to juggle your life here and your life there, because these lines keep blurring and it’s starting to suck. Caleb: What does that mean for us?
Chapter 21 Formatting error
Caleb's line needs a hard return before it...no indent
