Unpregnant

by Jenni Hendriks

Maybe I was just late. Maybe this was me panicking over nothing.

Hey, sweetie, despite using a condom every single time and sometimes more than one, I still managed to wind up pregnant.

“You were leaving and I panicked, okay!” “So you got me pregnant?! Stuck some holes in a condom?!”

“Yes! I’m the kind of friend who maybe you don’t need for everyday things, not the dress shopping or the weekend getaway kinda girl, but when it comes time to purge the placenta . . . Bam! Call the abortion friend!”

“You say, ‘Romeo.’ I say, ‘restraining order.’”

“You are not going to regret this! After this weekend is over, it’s not going to be the weekend you got an abortion. It’ll be the weekend you saw the spot where motherfucking aliens landed on the motherfucking earth!”

“Pull over.” “Why?” “I forgot to pee when we were at the rest stop.”

Every place is going to look creepy. This one probably has the same amount of serial killers as the next. Which, statistically, is two.”

appointment would make it real, okay?” Bailey shook her head. “Guess we finally found the class you failed: common sense.”

“But noooooooooo! I have to drive one thooooooousand miles, have my ride stolen, have a stripper kidnap me, lose my homework, and now I’m in the middle of a fuuuuucking field, and the fuuuucking train won’t fuuuuucking slow down . . . so FUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUU, MISSOURI STATE LEGISLATURE!!!”

“Yes! This is how you do an abortion road trip! Why didn’t we think of this earlier?”

“Holy shit, we did it!” “I know!” “I can’t believe it!” “Neither can I!” Bailey started counting on her fingers. “I mean, we were robbed, chased, stalked—” “We jumped off a cliff—” “Hid in a ditch—” “Hid behind cows—” “Threw a weasel—”

“So what if I am. Am I not worthy to judge Perfect Veronica? We both know why you’re doing this. Not because you don’t want to raise a baby. Not because you couldn’t support it. Because you’re embarrassed what other people would think about you.”

“Having a kid makes you ‘parent material,’ asshole.”

“I don’t think you’re wrong. You’re making the right choice for you. That’s what’s important. Anyway”—her smile faltered—“no one should be forced to be a parent if they don’t want to be one.”

“I’m sorry you broke up with the boy you were obviously too good for. I’m sure you’ll find another one who’s also not good enough for you once you get to college.” I wasn’t stupid. “Not good enough” only counted if I wasn’t pregnant. If I had been, Kevin would have immediately been husband material. After all, no one liked Pete and he was still part of the family.