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We made it to the road, where I saw Parker standing with his hands pressed to his truck, his face red as tendons jumped in his jaw. Chloe stood vigilant behind him, her hunting rifle still raised, a look of absolute, dispassionate boredom on her face.
“Amanda?” Layla said, taking my hand and giving me a worried look. “You okay?” “No,” I said, realizing for the first time just how badly I was shaking.
“If you say so,” Layla said. She was quiet for a moment, then looked right into my eyes. “What can we do?” “Please just take me home,” I said.
“I’m a freak,” I said. Tears came but I wasn’t sad. I thought maybe I was angry, but I didn’t know who I was angry at. Grant, for not loving me. Parker, for what he had done. My dad for warning me, for being right. Myself maybe, for thinking I could ever be happy. “I’m a freak, and jerks like Parker are always going to want to see the freak show, as long as they know the truth about me.”
“Listen,” she said, after a short silence fell between us. “We love you no matter what.” “I love you guys too.” I smiled, and my bruised temple throbbed painfully.
“Listen close, son,” Dad growled. “You touch her again, or come near her, or talk to her, or so much as look at her, and I will put you in the goddamn ground.”
had spent Halloween in my room, alone, playing video games. I spent every night and every weekend in my room, alone,
said, “I got lonely and I wanted to know more about you, so I decided to check it out.”
silently thanking her for not mentioning that I had left town with a black eye and came back with one too.
“So what’s next?” Virginia asked after a while, as we headed back toward home. “I don’t know,” I said, letting the wind whip my hair into my eyes as I put one foot achingly in front of the other. “This time, I really don’t know.”
“Hi,” he said, looking rickety and out of place. He tried to smile and, despite everything in the last few weeks, I couldn’t resist smiling back at him. “Am I late?”
Mom was more than happy to keep us out of the kitchen, since she had her own arcane way of loading the dishwasher that nobody could ever get quite right.
“Oh,” I said, shrugging. “I think maybe I’m stronger than that now.”
Grant was gone, which hurt but was also kind of a relief—he was one less complication when it came time to pack my things and head up north. Everything about that plan was fine except for one thing: I didn’t want to disappear anymore.
“I was,” he said, chewing his lip. “I pray the Lord forgives me one day but I was. More than that, though, so much more than that, I was terrified for you.” I looked down and flexed my glove. “I had to drink just to let your mother teach you how to walk; I kept seeing visions of you falling and cracking your head open.”
“I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you want to come back to Lambertville, well, I’d be real happy to have my daughter back.”
“Bye, Andrew,” I said softly. “Bye, son,” Dad agreed, as we went inside.
“The prodigal daughter returns!” Layla said, beaming at me in the rearview.
“Okay,” I said, gently putting a hand on her shoulder, “but are you still my friend?” “Of course!” Anna said. “Just ’cause I’m grappling with the … the…” “The metaphysics,” Layla said. “With the metaphysics doesn’t mean I don’t still love you and Chloe like sisters!”
“And if I ever do or say anything homophobic or transphobic, y’all just let me know, okay? And I’ll have a talk with the folks at church, Amanda, ’cause everybody loved you and I want you to feel comfortable coming back.”
“And Anna just mutters something about Jesus sort of loving you and suddenly she’s an angel and meanwhile I was there with you when your dad punched Grant—” “Your dad punched Grant?” Anna said, her mouth wide. “I pulled a loaded gun on Parker,” Chloe reminded nobody in particular. “But who cares about Layla? No one, obviously! I’m just the girl with the car nobody gives a shit about, so why—”
Maybe she would try to apologize, try to be my friend again. But no matter what she said, I knew I couldn’t let her back into my life. What she did hurt me even more than Parker, even more than the assault in the mall bathroom, because I had trusted her. I knew now I would have to be careful with who I let myself get close to. But maybe that was a lesson everybody had to learn.
“Welcome back,” I heard a voice say, and looked up to see a mousy girl with cat-eye glasses gripping the straps of her backpack and smiling at me. She looked vaguely familiar, but I didn’t think we’d ever spoken before.
“Ah,” he said, rubbing the bridge of his nose where the blow had hit. “He’s got a mean right hook for an old guy.” I looked away, but couldn’t help smiling. “I’ll tell him you said so.”
“I didn’t abandon Tommy,” he said, his expression serious, “and I won’t abandon you.” I exhaled a breath. “That’s sweet, but what does that mean?” I shook my head. “Do you love me?”
As I spoke I thought back to what Virginia had said weeks before, about getting anything you wanted if you let yourself believe you deserved it.
Either way, I realized, I wasn’t sorry I existed anymore. I deserved to live. I deserved to find love. I knew now—I believed, now—that I deserved to be loved.
