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I’m a sinner with a dimpled smile and perfect hair, and I know how to make sin feel like heaven.
Hello???
Elijah and I had stayed close—we’d bonded over Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in kindergarten, and a TMNT bond is a bond for life—but
Cute
She turns at my footsteps, and I almost stop walking because fuck, she’s pretty, and double fuck, she’s young. Not like jail young—but maybe college young. Too young for a thirty-six-year-old man, certainly.
Same age. Thats fun.
What’s the rule again? Half my age, plus seven?
Is that a rule?
“Fine,” I say, and I set my glass down on the ledge next to us. “I think you’re more than pretty. I think you’re fucking gorgeous, and you’re not impressed by me, which makes me want to work very, very hard to impress you. I want to impress you with my mouth…” I take a step toward her, my hands safely in my pockets, so she sees I’m not going to touch her. “…and impress you with my fingers…”
You dont even know her name
“And I do want to get to know you better. I want to know if you scream or if you moan when you come; I want to know if you prefer my mouth or my hands; I want to know if you like it deep and slow or fast and hard.”
Oh
We were baptized into the Church of Cancer, and I was as zealous as any new convert, going to every doctor’s appointment, researching every new trial, using every connection I had in this city to make sure my mother got the best of everything. So yes. I believe in cancer now. It’s too late for me to believe in God.
Omg momma bell....
tuxedo. I go right to the triage desk, and just my luck, it’s a nurse I fucked a few weeks back during Mom’s last stint in the hospital. Mackenzie or Makayla or McKenna or something like that. Her mouth twists into a bitter smile when she sees me, and I know I’m in for it. “Well, if it isn’t Sean Bell,”
Oops
“Write books,” Tyler interjects dryly. “—and whatever it is that Poppy does in Manhattan—” “An arts nonprofit. Do you actually even listen to me when I talk?” “Sure don’t. So don’t feel guilty for not coming out, okay? If I honestly thought it was time for you to fly out, I’d buy your ticket myself. But it’s not time.”
Lmao jesus
“Ah, okay. Well, anyway, the training nun offered to come here, but I think you better go to her. Makes for a better first impression. She’s expecting you around ten at the shelter.”
Training nun is crazy
Except. Except. Shit. It’s not Zenny at all. It’s Mary.
Dun dun dun
I’m upset that I met this girl, that I want her, that I want to kiss her and I want to fuck her and I want to dance with her again, and I can’t do any of those things because she wants to offer up her life to a nonexistent deity. I mean, it’s obviously not about me and it’s obviously none of my business, but still.
Oof bold
Oh my God, I’m going to hell. I don’t even believe in hell and I’m going there, and what’s worse is that she believes in hell, probably; she believes in all this stupid stuff; she’s giving her life to the same church that killed my sister.
Sean *sob emoji*
“I’ve wanted to fuck you since the moment I saw you today,” I say, watching her blanch with surprise at my blunt lewdness. “I can’t stop thinking about pushing that jumper up to your waist and nuzzling into your cunt until my face smells like you. I want to bite your tits through that white shirt. I want to see that cross necklace sliding around your collarbone as I find out if you prefer two fingers or three.”
Grrr woof. Where is my morally grey billionaire play boy?
“And who better than you, my brother’s best friend? I know you’ll keep me safe.” Her eyelashes flutter and she puts her hand flat on the middle of my chest. And then slides it down my stomach. “Zenny,” I grunt. “Shit.”
Ahhhhh
“I know you, and I know what you do to people who get in your way, but I’m asking you for the sake of our friendship to keep her safe. Do not crush her to make more money, and do not fuck this up for her.” The guilt has teeth now, chewing industriously at something inside of my chest. “I’ll keep her safe,” I promise, and I say it to atone for the ways in which I already haven’t kept her safe. “Good. Because I’ll kill you if you don’t.”
Eshhghh
“He’s lying,” the oncology nurse says. “He didn’t think of her as anything but a cash cow until the party at Almack’s.” “No, no,” Emmett says from the recliner next to Mom. He adjusts the blanket around his legs and sticks up a pale, knobby finger to emphasize his raspy words. “His feelings about her were always complicated because here was this girl he was betrothed to, but she was too young to do anything but ignore for so many years. But then he lost everything and saw her again in the same week—” “I think he always felt like he could love her, money aside,” my mom interrupts, waving her
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I love this
“Yes, Mom?” She tilts her head and very deliberately pronounces, “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck—” I put both hands over my face and mumble into my palms. “Oh my Godddddd.”
HAHA
“Don’t come in,” I tell the man standing in my doorway. “I’ve got to say, you really know how to pick them,” Charles Northcutt says, coming in. He’s white, my age, possibly in better shape, although it could be that he just dresses to show it off more. He’s also a pompous dick and Valdman’s other favorite employee. I hate him. “Don’t sit down,” I say. He sits down. “That nun, Zenobia, holy fuck, she’s something else. I bet the body she’s got under all those Jesus clothes is to die for.”
Omg
“Well, whatever the reason you handed her over to me, I wanted to thank you. I think I’m going to have a lot of fun peeling the virginity off that one.” Thwack. I’m just as surprised as Northcutt when my hand comes slamming down on my desk, but I don’t stop to analyze what I’ve done. “You stay the hell away from her,” I growl.
Oh god
I’m nothing but a beast, a man possessed with the need to fuck. So why is You were the answer to my prayers the last thing to run through my mind before I come?
Amen
Two: I watch a lot of GBBO (that’s The Great British Bake Off for you uninitiated) and by now I can recite the ingredients for most different kinds of pastry, bread, and biscuit by heart.
Haaha
What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m worth twenty million dollars! I’ve snapped companies in half like kindling over my knee, and yet I can’t even be cool for one dinner? For long enough to make a fucking pot pie? But when I open the door and Zenny catches sight of the flour dusting my Hugo Boss suit pants and the steaming wreckage that is my kitchen, she laughs so hard she has to slump against the doorframe, and that laugh makes it all worth it. Her laughter is light, happy, still the tiniest bit girlish, and her smile is like a shot of sunshine right to the heart. I start laughing too.
Awww
“I talk to plenty of women. I even talk to the women I fuck. Although generally if I’ve got a woman in my lap, she’s doing something else instead of talking.” “Something el—” Zenny catches herself. I grin up at her. “I’ll be happy to show you all the things other than talking you can do in my lap, sweet girl.” SEAN BELL. FOCUS. “But first,” I say, “we talk about the awkward stuff.”
Woof
My sort-of virgin, my almost nun, trying to be naughty and instead looking more innocent than ever.
Scream
“You’re mine,” I say simply, crawling up onto the couch and over her body. “For a month,” she corrects. “For a month,” I repeat. “Until you marry Jesus or whatever.” Details, details.
I snorted
I’ve lost my mind. I’ve lost my mind and I haven’t even fucked her yet. I’ve lost my mind and I don’t even care.
Eeeee
“What’s this?” I say, which is a stupid question because I know what it is. What I mean is why does she have it, why does she need it? She doesn’t need some fake god; she has me, me, her oldest son who’s been moving fucking heaven and earth to get her the best treatment money can buy.
“God isn’t real,” I whisper, searching her eyes. “None of it’s real. How can that comfort you at all right now? How can you want to hold on to make-believe?” She’s shaking her head. “That’s not…” She sighs. “This is my fault.”
Oh babe...
I’m starting to have the uncomfortable feeling that I’m in a Wakefield novel myself, that I’m the hapless hero or heroine who starts to fall in love even though I know better, even though I know that’s not the arrangement, even though I know I’ll have my heart broken. But I can’t stop. It’s like watching a tornado carve up a prairie field, like watching hail tear through leaves and roofs and dirt. It’s happening, and all I can do is take shelter.
Sad
“Baby,” I whisper, wrapping one arm around her waist to hold her steady as I tickle over her slick folds. “My little nun is so wet for me.”
Screech
I get as far as reaching for Zenny’s hand and finding it, which is then that Sophia (or Hayley, I’m not sure which) says casually, “I’ll have another glass of champagne.” There’s a silence, and I’m completely lost as to why the hell Sophia (or Hayley) is telling us this, and then she adds, “Actually, make it two. And you can take this one.” She holds out an empty champagne glass into equally empty air, as if she expects someone to take it. As if she expects Zenny to take it.
Oh...my...god
Which happens right as Sophia or Hayley says one last terrible thing. “Oh, so you’re a guest here!” she says, reaching out to give Zenny a playful tweak on the shoulder. “You should have said something!” “Get your hands the fuck off her,” I say, in what I think is an admirably calm voice, given the situation. Because it’s finally become clear to me exactly what dynamic is at play, and I’m beyond angry; I’m beyond furious.
....bitch
Am I in love with Zenny?
Yes you fool
It’s too soon, but I love her. She’s Elijah’s little sister and much too young for me, and she only wants me for sex, but I love her. And she’s going to leave me for her God, but I love her.
Ughhhhh
Raindrop number one: I’m jealous of Zenny’s relationship with God—not only jealous like a lover watching his beloved with someone else but jealous that she has it. Jealous that she’s mature enough to be angry about all the pain in the world and to accuse God of not doing enough, and then in the same breath, work to change that pain in His name. Raindrop number two: Zenny reminds me of the things I loved about God. A sense of curiosity, a bravery, a turbulent emotion bundled close with the deepest peace. Things I felt about God once upon a time and felt about myself. Raindrop number three: if
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Ugh i love him
Two weeks left.
Wow hate
“So you’re the man having sex with Zenobia,” the Reverend Mother says before I can even get my seat belt buckled.
OUwlxvpb maam
(which I know for a fact he didn’t because he emailed me no less than three times this morning about a puppy he wants to adopt). He flings himself on the small, hard couch next to me.
Get the puppy
“Fine. Was she good?” Aiden looks puzzled for a minute, like he can’t quite track this turn in conversation. “The fuck, Aiden,” I clarify, exasperated. “Was she good?” He opens his mouth. Closes it. And before he can ever make the words come out, Dad is walking in with Indian carryout, and we all fall on the plastic bags like a pack of starving wolves.
He. Get it right
I tell Valdman I’ll be working remotely for the week. It doesn’t go badly, but it doesn’t go well. He’s annoyed with me, annoyed with how much I’m willing to let my family interfere with making him money. His displeasure is the kind of thing I would have cared about before, but now… Now, I couldn’t fucking care less.
You dont even like this job
One week left.
Ahhhhh
There are clouds in my mother’s lungs.
Fuck this is all too familar...
And yet, I can’t remember my chest ever stitching with so much love and pride for her.
Because shes incredible
“You don’t have to say anything right now.” “Need…to,” she pants. “Okay,” I say, taking her hand. “What is it?” “You…” she manages “…look…like shit.” I burst out laughing and when I also start crying, she doesn’t say anything. Simply gives my hand a weak squeeze.
Im so fucking sad
Not going to die tonight. But she is going to die, isn’t she? Maybe not tonight, maybe not even this time at the hospital, but she’s going to die and I failed her. I threw all my money in all the directions I could, I barely let her out of my sight, I spent every waking minute trying to get her well—and I failed. The knowledge of it rolls through me, those prairie storms I’m always thinking of, vast and charged and ready to tear through trees and chew through houses. You failed You failed You failed She’s going to die She’s going to die she’s going to die she’sgoingtodie—
God... Felt.
“Oh,” she says, her tone of protest giving way to something more…intrigued. “We’re alone?” “We’re alone. And I want to play a little game.” “Yeah?” “It’s called Sean Finally Gets to Fuck Zenny in her Nun Outfit.”
Sir...
I feel so good, and she’s smiling and stretching like a cat, and I love her I love her I love her. “I love you,” I say. And the world comes to a crashing halt.
Oh shit
“Zenny, please,” I say. I beg. My voice is strangled. “Wait—” “It was going to end next week anyway, Sean,” she says, not meeting my eyes. “We might as well do it now.” “It won’t change it,” I say. “That I love you. Just tell me, please, before you go—do you love me? Could you ever love me?”
Wow is sierra gonna make me hate another girl?
The sudden, sharp urge to kill Aiden and bury him in his bucolic paradise outside nearly overwhelms me; I’m still fighting it off when a third voice comes from Aiden’s bedroom. “Who’s in love with who now?” “He’s in love with Zenny—oh shit—” Aiden’s face goes pale as Elijah comes out of Aiden’s bedroom, shirtless and very obviously in the throes of his own dawning realization once he sees me standing at the foot of the stairs. I am also being dawned upon. Because Elijah and Aiden may have been peripheral friends for a long time, but peripheral friends don’t wander out of each other’s bedrooms
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Oops
