Every Breath

by Nicholas Sparks

Why does love always seem to require sacrifice?

She didn’t want to think that love had an intrinsic cost—that it required disappointment, or pain, or angst—but there were times when she couldn’t help it.

She understood that life wasn’t easy for anyone, and she felt satisfied that she’d done the best she could. And yet, like everyone, she had regrets, and in the past couple of years, she’d revisited them more frequently.

Mistakes were inevitable, and she’d concluded that regrets could impart important lessons in life, if one was willing to learn from them.

They weren’t, after all, only doorways to the past. She wanted to believe that they could also be doorways to a new and different kind of future.

She wanted to be the best mother she could be, but her counselor had continually reminded her that if she didn’t take care of herself first, she wouldn’t be able to provide the kids with the solid support they needed.

By then, after all, she understood the nature of romance, and knew it had little to do with trying to create a fantasy. Real romance was spontaneous, unpredictable, and could be as simple as listening to a man read a love letter found in a lonely mailbox on a stormy September afternoon.

“And when you’re feeling low, sometimes even bad ideas can seem like good ones.

Hope still preferred the old-fashioned way of communicating—either in person, on the phone, or in a letter—but her kids were of a different generation, and she’d learned to do what was easiest for them.

But then, Hope recognized that they had never known the real her, the woman she’d been at Sunset Beach so long ago.

Here we go again.

But those terrible days had also been the start of a new stage in their relationship, one in which Rachel learned she could be honest with her mom without feeling judged, without worrying that Hope would overreact.

Hope would sometimes wander the home where she’d grown up, unable to grasp the idea of living without parents. Even though she was an adult, it would take years for her to stop thinking she could pick up the phone and call either one of them.

But the smile would often fade as quickly as it had come, for it would make her think of Tru as well, and the opportunity she’d lost for the two of them to make a life together.

But no confession meant no chance at forgiveness.

Age revealed so many things about oneself, she mused.

Life was passing and all too soon would come to an end; despite herself, Hope began to wonder if she’d be alone when she took her final breaths.

Sometimes she wished she could speak with the woman she used to be, but she wasn’t sure what she would have said. She supposed that she could assure the younger version of herself that she’d have children, but would she add that raising them wasn’t anything like the ideal she’d envisioned? That as much as she treasured them, there were countless times when they enraged or disappointed her? That her worries about them were sometimes overwhelming? Or would she tell the younger version of herself that, after having children, there would be times when she wished she could be truly free again?

though there was part of her that wished him happiness, another part wanted to believe that the feelings they’d had for each other were entirely unique.

“I never stopped loving you,” she whispered, but the glass was cold and the kitchen was quiet, and when she blinked she realized that the beach was entirely deserted.

A letter means nothing if the intended recipient never receives it,

If nothing else, she hoped it would give her the strength she needed to finally say goodbye.

You may think this impossible, that perhaps I’m confusing infatuation with love. All I can say is that I’ve considered those possibilities a thousand times and rejected them. If you met him, you would understand why he captured my heart; if you had seen the two of us together, you would know that the feelings we had for each other were undeniably real.

It was the right decision at the time; it was also the wrong decision. I would do the same thing again; I would have done it all differently. This confusion remains with me even now, but I have learned to accept that I will never rid myself of the questions.

She wanted people to know that love often lies in wait, ready to bloom when least expected.

Logically, she understood how crazy it was to wish for such a thing, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that Tru would be there. With every step, his presence seemed closer. She heard his voice in the endless roar of the ocean,

She was a fool, a believer in fairy tales, in thrall to memories that now kept her prisoner. There was no one standing near the water’s edge or approaching in the distance. She was alone out here, and the certainty she’d felt regarding Tru’s presence slipped away as quickly as it had come. He won’t be here, she chided herself. He couldn’t be here, because he knew nothing about the letter.

She marveled at how little the landscape had changed since her father had first brought her here, in contrast to how much had changed within her.

She’d lived almost an entire life, but had accomplished nothing extraordinary. She’d made no permanent mark on the world, nor would she ever, but if love was all that really mattered, she understood that she’d been singularly blessed.

but it reminded her that despite their shared history, they were in many ways strangers.

She’d cherished a memory, but that wasn’t necessarily the man he was today.

toward an afternoon she couldn’t have foreseen and a future she couldn’t imagine.

The disappointments she’d experienced hadn’t hardened into either anger or bitterness, but rather acceptance that life seldom turns out the way that one imagines it will.

all I can think is that I should have had more courage when it mattered the most.

My feelings for you were passionate, but…peaceful. Because that’s how you made me feel during the week we spent together. At peace. Being with you felt like coming home.”

It made me think again how much I gave up when I drove away that day.”

“We were in love, but the timing wasn’t right. And all the love in the world can’t alter timing.”

She was all he’d ever wanted.

He’d known she was the one since the moment he’d met her; he’d known since then that there would never be another.

I’m anticipating surprise with you as my guide.

Because I saw you standing in the road and I just kept going. I’ve had to live with that, which might be punishment enough, but…part of me wanted your forgiveness, too.”

meeting you was something I would have done a thousand times over, if given the chance, even if I knew it had to end. I’ve never been angry at you because of the choice you made.”

“Grief is always the price we pay for love,” he said. “I learned that with my mum and when Andrew moved away. It’s the nature of things.”

“Your dreams start dying, too. When I received the diagnosis, one of the first things that went through my mind was that it meant I’d probably never be a grandmother. Rocking a baby to sleep, or doing paint-by-numbers at the picnic table, or giving them baths. Little things, things that haven’t even happened and might not ever happen, seemed to be what I missed the most.

I think it’s human nature to want what we might not be able to have.”

I know how I want to spend my time, and what I’d rather avoid. But there are still days when I get frightened or sad. Especially for my kids.”

“I think you’re living,” he said with surprising firmness. “And day by day, that’s all any of us can ever do. I can’t guarantee that I’ll be alive a year from now, or a month from now. Or even tomorrow.”

“That’s what people say, and I know there’s truth to it. But it’s different when you know for certain that you only have so much time left. If my dad is any guide, I have five, maybe five and a half years. And the last year isn’t so good.”

I just want to hold you, and love you with every breath that you or I ever take. I don’t care how long it lasts, and I don’t care how sick you get. I just want you. Will you do that for me?”

“After some time, he finally asked me what was the hardest thing I ever did. I said I didn’t know, life is full of hard things. Why did he want to know? He said that he knew the hardest thing he had to do, and that nothing would ever be greater than that.”

“It wasn’t the words…it was how he said it. There was so much sadness, so much pain, like those termites had eaten his soul. And then he told me about that trip to America…and the woman. Hope.”