The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships

by Suzanne Stabile

Your stress number is not necessarily a negative move—you need the behavior of the number you go to in stress to take care of yourself.

Long-term, committed relationships are built, in part, by walking beside someone, neither leading nor following, in celebration and suffering.

In the end, isn’t that what everyone is looking for? A chance to be understood as they talk about life as they see it.”

avoid fragmentation and loss in relationships. Some relationships don’t last—and perhaps they weren’t intended to.

there is no such thing as a healthy relationship that is void of anger, disappointment, and conflict.

Don’t interrupt when Nines are talking. Make room for them to meander a bit—they will get to the point.

Unlike Ones, some numbers don’t notice what’s out of place or not working, and others may notice but not care.

They believe criticism is caring, so they have to be taught that not everybody feels the same way about being corrected or encouraged to seek improvement.

It’s difficult for Ones to understand, much less respect, people who don’t want to give their best to every endeavor.

‘You need to let this go—you can’t let a stupid camera ruin our whole day.’ ”

Ones frequently miss the bigger picture because they compulsively focus on what is wrong or out of place.

When Ones feel anger, they deny it, stuff it, rename it, move on—and then they manage it by perfecting something that is within their control, like making sure to remember every little thing (checklists!) for the next outing.

Ones are afraid of being bad. Because Ones came to believe that meeting the expectations of others would, in some way, make them more valuable and offer them some much-desired security, relationships became more about performing well than relating well and loving well.

With Four energy, they don’t have to accept the notion that they are bad or corrupt or lazy or stupid (a few of the labels Ones reserve for themselves).

The emotional needs of Ones are often repressed, so Ones can learn from Fours how to focus on feelings rather than falling into the pattern of dualistic thinking. And Fours can benefit from the ability of Ones to stay focused and see things through to the end. This relationship can be extremely advantageous for both.

seek perfection, but you can’t have it. Perfection is momentary, then something shifts and everything changes.

accurately measure your own goodness and value based on the constant chatter of the inner critic.

you are good—really good—just as you are.

Since Ones often doubt their value and worthiness, they need to hear and believe that they are good and that they are loved.

expectations are resentments waiting to happen.