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September 28 - October 4, 2020
you’re an Eight, you will spend part of your adult life trying to regain your capacity to encounter the world without having to protect yourself from it. The ability to do that will come to you only in the context of safe relationships.
Eights’ preoccupation with self-protection means they are the best equipped to challenge oppressors and stand up for people who aren’t as strong as they are. I love this about the Eights I know. Their concern about injustice and their belief that they are responsible for protecting the innocent is both powerful and gentle at the same time. However, Eights often miss out on what’s in it for them; when Eights engage with those who are marginalized, they need to be aware that the giving can be mutual and relational.
Eights rarely regret confrontation. They rely on the energy they get from their need to be independent, but they often miss the reality that their aggression overshadows their intent.
The last thing an Eight wants is to hurt someone they love. When they discover they have hurt you, their inner response is far from mechanical. Even if they maintain their composure, they suffer greatly and are devastated to learn they have taken advantage of your vulnerability in any way.
Many Eights experience a lack of balance that is the result of an overemphasis on doing and an unconscious habit of ignoring feelings—theirs and others’. But that focus on doing can cost them dearly.
Eights are usually in charge no matter where they are or who they’re with. So it’s important for them to remember that relationships are built on mutuality and collaboration, and both are easy to dismiss for those who are always
in leadership mode. One of my favorite people, writer and pastor Nadia Bolz-Weber, once told me about how she had to be mindful of how much weight her opinion carries with her congregation at House for All Sinners and Saints:
Here are some other things for Eights to keep in mind:
You can . . . be in leadership positions if you have people who are willing to follow you—and that requires respecting how they see the world. realize that you can lead and make plans, although you can’t control the outcomes. hire people who are aggressive, but remember you will always have to work with people who are not. learn the value of moderation, collaboration, and patience—and cultivate the self-awareness to practice them. protect yourself emotionally, remembering that you can’t avoid vulnerability. But you can’t . . . be fully heard without giving consideration to the other eight ways
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Encourage Eights to exercise regularly. A good exercise program uses up some of their excess energy.
deal. Unless, of course, you’re like Andy: a Nine who can emotionally detach from the experience
Nines have a tendency to erase themselves from events. Being relational with someone, no matter who it is or for how long, is an experience of vulnerability that differs for all of us. Nines manage that exposure by assuring themselves that their presence doesn’t matter.
When Nines are able to entertain the idea that their presence matters, it has a positive effect on all of their encounters with others, especially those they love the most.
Twos feel the feelings of others and find it very difficult to tell you what they actually feel. That’s a hard truth with many implications for a relationship with a Two.
Twos don’t know who they are unless they get that information from someone else.
With such a focus on others, there is little energy left for knowing ourselves, so the hardest questions anyone ever asks me are ‘What do
you want?’ and ‘What are you feeling?’ I literally don’t know the answers, because even though I come across as a feeling person, like most Twos, I seldom know or express my own.”
I’m not intentionally deceptive and inauthentic—it just happens.” But control is an illusion, particularly in relationships. With such a focus on doing, Threes neglect being, and end up disregarding some of the most important elements in any relationship: being present, being who they really are, being with others, and being available.
They seem to have an unending supply of energy, and yet they are often tired because they don’t know when to stop. Perhaps that’s why they take so many shortcuts, including in their relationships, because sometimes getting things done takes precedence over doing things
right. While that approach works for relationships with other Threes, it certainly creates problems with other numbers: with Ones who value perfection, and Twos who value relationships, and Sixes who struggle with the Threes’ lack of forethought.
They believe that if you can’t win first place, you should...
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Threes don’t like to be wrong, so they justify their behavior by reframing the story—and they are good at it, often believing the story themselves.
At some point in childhood they came to believe that it was not okay to have their own feelings and their own identity. In relationships with family and authority figures, Threes were convinced that it would be better to put their feelings aside and become what people around them expected and would applaud as desirable and successful. So they began to develop their innate ability to be whatever is called for. They can belong to as many as fifteen to twenty groups, from family to professional to voluntary, and be the poster child for each of them. It’s a remarkable gift that is difficult to
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Fours want to fit in but can’t—they feel slightly out of step all the time. When you’re in a relationship with them and the two of you are socializing with friends or colleagues, there will be times when you feel the same way.
Fours experience belonging as a possible reality, they sabotage the relationship by pushing away the person with whom they are making a connection.
In fact, one of the reasons Fives avoid needing help from others lies in the reality that they find interaction to be a challenge. Older Fives tell me they wish connecting with other people could be easier. They
Fives believe that they do not or cannot make a difference, in either process or outcome, so they don’t take action.
Fives are the only number capable of true neutrality. That’s a gift to offer others.
because he had a hard time not sharing his delight in his adventures.
All Sevens are motivated by a need to be happy and avoid pain.
They see the world as their playground, and they are happiest when they are on the move, enjoying life, and going from one activity to the next. They’d rather not deal with anything unpleasant or uncomfortable.
Sevens aren’t willing to acknowledge their discomfort with feelings that are heavy or sad, it can be costly.
When others can’t be honest with Sevens about what they feel and what they need, the delayed emotional responses are usually expressed as anger, shame, fear, or perhaps resentment, all of which are damaging to relationships.
I think they feel trapped, caught between their seemingly endless need for stimulation and the needs of others. Listen
Sevens generally have long lines of suitors who feel ditched by them, who took the relationship more seriously than the Seven did.
“I wish there were two more days in the week. Just two more days.” They never seem to have enough time to do all the things they have planned or want to do. And all the projects they didn’t finish serve as reminders that time is running out.
In their constant pursuit of pleasure, Sevens are anxious to fill themselves up with positive, stimulating experiences.
Simply stated, they want more of whatever pleases them. This is also known as gluttony, which is the Seven passion.
When they experience frustration or feel needy, Sevens intuitively start moving, seeking external gratification. Part of their journey toward transformation involves changing that pattern of behavior and turning inward.
They intuitively reframe feelings of pain and failure almost immediately as something else.
Sevens fear commitment, routine, and predictability. Sevens in relationship
with other Sevens will find limitations challenging.
Sevens avoid pain of all kinds, but especially the pain of being trapped in the predictability of a routine. The thought of
emotional or physical pain that can’t be managed or controlled is almost unbearable, and they don’t know how to make life work in a relationship with someone who can’t or won’t be happy.
A Seven’s need for optimism is directly connected to their desire to believe that the world is safe, people are good, and their needs will be taken care of.
“How can I be right next to Six on the Enneagram? I don’t have anything in common with Sixes.”
As much as people might think I’m being naive and superficial, I still want to hold on to the possibility of hope and joy.
Thankfully, stressed Sevens have easy access to behavior associated with Ones. With the mature side of the perfectionist influence, Sevens slow down and are more discerning about what they will do, with whom, and when; they are less selfish and more likely to finish things they’ve started.
Another complaint is that they don’t pay attention to details, but in the One space, they do. And when they access One behavior they find a necessary balance, at least for a time, between dreaming and doing.
Sevens love to be with people, and they really value time alone. It will help if you contribute to making both happen.
