The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships

by Suzanne Stabile

Your stress number is not necessarily a negative move—you need the behavior of the number you go to in stress to take care of yourself.

The Dependent Stance (Ones, Twos, Sixes). These people are very concerned with others’ expectations so they are loyal and dependable. They are seen as moving toward others, and their orientation to time is the present.

8s and Others 1s: Eights are committed and energetic like Ones, but they don’t share the same focus: Ones generally focus on the problem, and Eights focus on the solution. 2s & 5s: Eights share a line with both Twos and Fives on the Enneagram, moving to Two in security and Five in stress. Eights need tenderness, affection, and awareness of the feelings of others from Twos. Eights need a Five’s ability to move slowly, gathering necessary information before acting, as well as the ability to appreciate times when neutrality is of value.

Eights prefer a few friendships with people who also value independence. To be friends with an Eight, you will need to be trustworthy and safe, and the relationship needs to be reliable but free of expectations. One of my apprentices says, “It is literally impossible for me to have a meaningful relationship with someone who doesn’t have the self-confidence to stand up for themselves.”

Here are some additional ways you can build better relationships with the Eights in your life: Even though Eights are strong and assertive, don’t forget that they still need care. If you don’t stand up for yourself, if you are not forthcoming, if you fail to be honest, and if you are indirect, then you are invisible to Eights. Don’t beat around the bush: Eights want communication to be brief, straightforward, and truthful. Be aware that Eights are controlling in relationships simply because they don’t want to be controlled. Bring your best effort to anything you do. Do what you say you will do and let them know you are all in—or not. Eights don’t like it when you talk behind their back—and they don’t understand why you would. Given the opportunity, they would say to you, “Why would you tell somebody else what you think about me? Tell me. I can handle it.” If Eights are not happy with you, they tell you. If they don’t tell you but seem a little distant, it most likely has nothing to do with you. Acknowledge the contributions that Eights make, but don’t flatter them because they neither trust nor need flattery. Encourage Eights to exercise regularly. A good exercise program uses up some of their excess energy. Be aware that Eights sometimes mistake tenderness for manipulation. Intensity is always well-received. Be secure and strong in yourself and in what you think and believe. Keep in mind that Eights are often unaware of how they affect others.

Nines have the ability to disconnect in any relationship. Nines have a tendency to erase themselves from events. Being relational with someone, no matter who it is or for how long, is an experience of vulnerability that differs for all of us. Nines manage that exposure by assuring themselves that their presence doesn’t matter. They can contribute what they have to offer, or not, believing that it won’t affect the outcome either way.

When Nines are able to entertain the idea that their presence matters, it has a positive effect on all of their encounters with others, especially those they love the most.

Everyone avoids something, and Nines avoid conflict. From their perspective, very few things are worth arguing about unless a decision involves their integrity. They certainly don’t want to waste time arguing over what they call “the little stuff”—perhaps that is the secret to their peacefulness.

Right action. One of the most appreciable aspects of the Enneagram is that it offers a safety net for every personality type. The counterpart to Nines merging for the sake of peace in matters that seem inconsequential is called right action, and it is essential for understanding relationships. When a decision to act includes potential for conflict and negative consequences, yet the action is chosen anyway, this is considered right action. Nines are not wishy-washy, malleable people who have no boundaries. But they are people who have a limited amount of energy, and they are mindful about how they use it.

Anger. Like Eights and Ones, Nines are in the Anger Triad at the top of the Enneagram. You know when Eights are angry with you—they are clear about why and they wait for your response, then go on with their day. Not so with passive-aggressive Nines. They’re quietly stubborn—perhaps the most stubborn number on the Enneagram. They refuse to be nagged or pushed or coerced into doing anything, so if that’s your method in relating to a Nine you will experience a lot of frustration and disappointment with very little success. Nines have their ways of letting you know they are hurt or angry, but none of them are direct.

Since they aren’t good tacticians when they feel angry, Nines buy time with passive expressions of their feelings. They are concerned that direct and aggressive verbal exchanges will result in fragmentation. But they also worry about being able to contain their own anger once they give it a voice and full rein. If you engage Nines in a difficult conversation because you are angry, they will usually just sit it out until you’ve stopped talking. Then they will methodically avoid both you and the subject until things settle. Regardless of where the anger originates, they will likely choose to go away, making themselves unavailable and believing that with time the problem will fix itself. Nines have to learn that taking leave in situations like this usually increases frustration and anger, leaving things far from “fixed.”

There isn’t another number on the Enneagram that demands so much and rewards so sparingly. Imperfection is everywhere, and even if some semblance of perfection is achieved, it lasts about as long as a snowflake in the noonday sun. It’s a struggle for most of us to imagine the exhaustion of living with an inner voice criticizing us and our choices all day, every day. But if we’re trying to figure out life with Ones and we ignore these realities, there is little chance that our relationships will be satisfying.

Sometimes Ones seethe with anger. This is hard on their relationships and causes deep regret, so it’s very important that Ones, and those they love, get whatever help is necessary to manage their anger. Keep in mind that anger in Ones doesn’t usually manifest as blowing up and yelling, but as something a bit more insidious: resentment. When Ones are angry at something, they turn that anger in on themselves first and it feels like shame—shame about the faults and failings of themselves and others. Shame adds a bitter quality that results in a complex resentment, something others need to understand in relationship with Ones.

Ones frequently miss the bigger picture because they compulsively focus on what is wrong or out of place.

It’s important to know that Ones are often frustrated yet are seldom angered by what they appear to be angry about.

When Ones feel anger, they deny it, stuff it, rename it, move on—and then they manage it by perfecting something that is within their control, like making sure to remember every little thing (checklists!) for the next outing. Ones love deeply and well. They do all they can to protect and care for those they are in relationship with. They are thoughtful, careful, mindful, and supportive. But it’s hard to get things right with a One, even in a relationship. Try to remember that their responses have everything to do with how they see, and, through no fault of their own, they see imperfection everywhere. Keep in mind that Ones are also much harder on themselves than they are on anyone else, and that they deeply regret it when their patience is limited and their expectations are unreasonable—especially at home.

Ones tend to see life in terms of responsibility and work. They are focused on whatever is happening right in front of them and then try to respond appropriately by doing whatever the situation requires. Ones feel deeply about what they do and how well they respond in each situation. Oftentimes this limits the energy they have left for the emotional needs and expectations within their relationships.

But Ones tend to push back when I point out that they often leave out thinking when deciding what is theirs to do and how they should do it. They believe they’re thinking all the time. The truth is that an ongoing internal dialogue with that pesky critic is not the same thing as thinking. In fact, often what Ones mistake for thinking is merely responding to their inner critic’s prompts.

Ones are afraid of being bad. Because Ones came to believe that meeting the expectations of others would, in some way, make them more valuable and offer them some much-desired security, relationships became more about performing well than relating well and loving well.

Even with my relationship with God

Ones often tell me that they can’t live up to the standards they set for themselves, and the potential for making everything better seems to follow them like a shadow.

On their best days, when Ones are healthy in their relationships, they are relaxed and charming and fun. Ones are always conscientious, so they will do a good job at whatever is important to them.

When Ones are in low average space, they are argumentative and uncompromising. They have many expectations, and when expectations aren’t met, resentment soon follows. They are picky and unpredictable, and your efforts to please them often fail. These behaviors represent excess in Oneness, which is never a good thing. We all struggle when we are on the low side of average behavior for our number. So, to honor our relationships, we all need to watch for behavior that exaggerates the things that seem important from our point of view but end up causing separation between us and the people we care about. When Ones are experiencing too much stress, they begin to assign moral value to mistakes.

The natural response for Ones in stressful times is to focus on what they can perfect. I have a good friend who is a One who says, “When the world is going to hell, I clean my bathroom.”

In times of stress, Ones move to Four, where they can get in touch with a different way of experiencing and expressing their feelings. With Four energy, they don’t have to accept the notion that they are bad or corrupt or lazy or stupid (a few of the labels Ones reserve for themselves). Instead, they can get in touch with some feelings that don’t need fixing. This is good—the critic cannot be as loud about feelings as it is about actions, so the One will get a reprieve. Then they can regroup and reconnect with the world in a much healthier way. When Ones are feeling secure they have access to Seven energy and behavior, and that allows them to relax a little. They can look at life and work and relationships with less judgment and more acceptance and peace. And they can allow themselves to have some fun.

2s: Ones and Twos respond to life differently. Ones are practical while Twos are relational. Ones tend to think that Twos can’t stay focused, while Twos think Ones are too rigid, but both need to cultivate the art of compromise.

Me and Casey

Ones tend to overdo their effort to do things well—they overthink, overtalk, overevaluate, and overplan. This tendency to go over-the-top is due to their honest and deep desire to do things right. Ones are wonderfully responsible people, but when they take on too much responsibility for themselves and for others, they may experience some anger and resentment. So it’s really important that Ones minimize the temptation to overdo by stopping to ask the question: “What is mine to do?”

Perhaps the lesson here for Ones is this: If you can’t stand what you’re looking at, it might help to move. But the lesson for those of us who love Ones is to remind them to be kind to themselves—simply because it’s the right thing to do.

Here are some other things for Ones to keep in mind: You can . . . have people in your life who “get you”—other Ones, or others who understand Ones. be gracious when other people don’t do things the way you think they should be done. seek perfection, but you can’t have it. Perfection is momentary, then something shifts and everything changes. make every effort to leave everything better than you found it, though you can’t do it alone. But you can’t . . . have inner peace if you continue to commit to an ever-rising set of internal standards for yourself. accurately measure your own goodness and value based on the constant chatter of the inner critic. live in a world where everyone attends to details in the same ways that you do. change how others see. expect other numbers to achieve perfection as you define it. That isn’t just a matter of preference; it’s how they see, and it’s not going to change, no matter what you do or say. So you’ll need to accept that . . . your way is not the only right way. some things—perhaps many things—are good enough. you need to stop working so you and others can rest. you are good—really good—just as you are.

For Twos, everything is relational. They make their way in the world by connecting with almost every person they encounter and by building a relationship with everyone they can engage on a regular or semi-regular basis. It’s the way Twos know themselves.

Twos believe that everyone is their responsibility in one way or another, and they take pride in meeting the needs of others. That’s the Two’s passion (or sin).

2 Twos often assume that others need their help and protection.

When Twos are experiencing a lot of anxiety and fatigue, it’s usually a signal that they need to stop, consider all that they are involved in, discern what is theirs to do, appropriately pass on to others what is not theirs to do, and think about what’s going on rather than continuing to react emotionally from their automatic desire to identify and meet the needs of others.

1s: Since Twos always put relationship before strategy, they will struggle some with Ones. But with a One wing, Twos can appreciate a respect for order. That common ground is a place to begin.

When Twos are in a healthy space, they are generous but also playful and nurturing. They make other people comfortable, they are aware when others feel left out or marginalized in any way, and they will usually find ways to meet you where you are. They’re accepting and they seldom adhere to insider/outsider thinking and behavior.

When they’re trapped in a pattern of unhealthy responses, Twos are controlling and possessive and insecure. Jealousy becomes a problem when they fear they might lose the attention and affection of someone they love. One of my students who is a Two said, “When I’m in that unhealthy pattern of behavior, I am either overinvolved or underinvolved—I’m either meddling and bossy or I just cut people off.

When Twos start to feel separated from others, they create circumstances where they will be needed. If you’re in relationship with a Two, a clue that they are feeling stressed is when they begin to complain about their health. Their repressed feelings can even cause physical symptoms, and then they pull others in with self-pity. The truth is, an offended Two can change the mood of an entire group of people without ever saying a word.

In stress, Twos go to Eight, which means they have more self-confidence and they care less about what other people think. They find that they can say no to things that are not theirs to do and they have more patience with process and personal differences. When Twos are feeling secure they have access to some Four energy, awareness, and behavior, so they can be accepting of their own feelings. They might even be able to admit that in fact they don’t love everybody. In this place of security, they discover some self-worth that isn’t connected to helping others, and they can even focus inward at times. It is a good and necessary move toward better self-care.

Perhaps the main limitation in relationships for Twos is that they are involved in too many relationships. That causes a host of problems: they don’t have the time or the energy to attend to all of the people in their lives, so they end up apologizing for no-fault situations. Ironically, the people Twos love the most get the leftovers—Twos trust that their closest relationships will always be there, so they short them on time and attention. Twos give too much to others and return to their own lives feeling tired, empty, and taken for granted, which leaves very little time or energy to care for themselves.

Twos have to learn to let others make their own free choices and then either suffer or celebrate the consequences. Here are some other things for Twos to keep in mind: You can . . . learn to accept that healthy relationships are reciprocal, and learn the value of both receiving and giving. learn to meet your needs from the inside out instead of from the outside in. learn to commit to fewer relationships and enjoy them more. But you can’t . . . expect other Enneagram numbers to sense and meet your needs before you name them. have healthy relationships with more people than your life can accommodate. Every yes you say in one relationship requires a no in another. experience lasting peace until you discover that you are capable of identifying and taking care of your own feelings and many of your own needs. That doesn’t threaten your relationships. It will make them better. find the security you look for in relationships until you learn to find satisfaction in doing some things independently. So you’ll need to accept that . . . other people are meeting your needs in their own way. It may not be the way you would do it, but it’s just as good. you are well loved. you are worthy of being loved and you are wanted.

One key to relationships with Twos is to help bridge the gap. Here are some other things to keep in mind: Twos experience anxiety when they recognize that they are feeling their own feelings. They don’t know a lot about how to act on their own behalf. Try to help Twos find a way to share with you what they honestly feel. Twos can only process verbally. They don’t think things through—they talk their way through them. You can avoid so much misunderstanding by keeping this in mind. Don’t trust their answer when they say they’re fine or good. Press a little deeper. Twos want honest feedback, but they take everything personally. So if you say, “I don’t like your spaghetti recipe,” they hear, “I don’t like you.” You don’t need to remind them that it isn’t personal; they know that and they’re trying to outgrow that way of thinking. In an intimate relationship, Twos need to hear you say, “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. There’s nothing you need to do, there’s nothing you need to be, and there’s nothing you need to help me with. I love you for you.” Encourage Twos to let you address your own feelings. Twos need a partner who is demonstrative with affection. It is very reassuring. Twos need a partner who wants to meet and know their friends. While Twos are happy to be second in command, be sure to acknowledge their contribution. Try to have patience when Twos are overly concerned regarding their relationships with other people. Your impatience with that reality will only add t...

Threes don’t like to be wrong, so they justify their behavior by reframing the story—and they are good at it, often believing the story themselves.

It is common for Fours like Jane to hear that sometimes they are simply “too much”—even from people who care about them. The intensity of Fours’ emotions, accompanied by unpredictable moods, requires understanding, compassion, patience, and an appreciation of the Fours’ need for authenticity. In relationship with Fours, it can feel loving to suggest that they “normalize,” but nothing could be further from the truth.

Fives are in the Fear Triad on the left side of the Enneagram and they manage their fear by gathering information and knowledge. That information is usually shared thoughtfully and methodically. It’s standard for them to withhold pieces of information, share their feelings with only one or two people, and manage their reactions with thinking. Although they are unique in their need for privacy and independence, Fives’ boundaries do allow for the exchange of personal information, but only on their terms.

I sometimes wonder if I'm a 5

Since then, I have become more aware of the people who come to me with questions at events who I don’t remember seeing in the audience. These individuals are almost always Fives. It seems that Fives can hide in any group, whether it be seven people or seven hundred.

So if I don't see someone they are probably a 5

Sixes are involved in more group activities than any other number on the Enneagram. Of the nine personality types, they are the most concerned about the common good. They are the glue that holds together all of the organizations that we belong to—they don’t leave over minor conflicts and they don’t move from group to group. Sixes are loyal, consistently striving to do their part, and they want to be part of something that is bigger than they are. Both Jill and Dana are building community. As Sixes, they are both committed to creating open space and a safe place for everyone. But their ways of achieving this goal are subtly yet profoundly different: Jill allows community to form, and Dana creates the community.

Darrin is a Seven on the Enneagram. All Sevens are motivated by a need to be happy and avoid pain. Immature or average Sevens often dismiss the importance of emotions in themselves and in others. They see the world as their playground, and they are happiest when they are on the move, enjoying life, and going from one activity to the next. They’d rather not deal with anything unpleasant or uncomfortable.

Sevens are typically energetic and charming people. But they can sometimes overvalue their own charm. They avoid limitations—especially those imposed by someone else—and they avoid direct confrontation. Using humor and intentional distraction, they can slip away from trouble almost without being noticed. When Sevens do anything out of a sense of duty, their lack of enthusiasm is palpable; they are present, but they hold back on their energy waiting for some future event that is more promising. Each of these characteristics can cause problems with others.