The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships

by Suzanne Stabile

Eights aren’t afraid to feel—they’re afraid their feelings will betray them.

I think it’s fair to say that what most of us experience as stressful—deadlines, confrontations, arguments, crises, the problematic behavior of others, or events that seem to be spinning out of control—Eights consider comfortable.

The truth is that what we see and the way we see also determine what we miss. I’m convinced that Eights have no idea how their unwillingness to be vulnerable affects other people. Eights don’t know that their take-charge aggressiveness makes others feel like their presence is unimportant or unneeded.

When it comes to relationships, it’s really important to remember that you can’t change how you see—you can only change what you do with how you see.

When Ones feel anger, they deny it, stuff it, rename it, move on—and then they manage it by perfecting something that is within their control, like making sure to remember every little thing (checklists!) for the next outing.

Ones are afraid of being bad. Because Ones came to believe that meeting the expectations of others would, in some way, make them more valuable and offer them some much-desired security, relationships became more about performing well than relating well and loving well.

Keep in mind that such behavior comes directly from the way Ones berate themselves when they make a mistake or miss a deadline, so they do the same to others.

The first is that Twos generally don’t see themselves as worthy of needing anyone’s help. The second reason is a bit more complex: Twos are afraid to express a need or desire because if no one responds, they fear they won’t be able to manage the pain and disappointment. But relationships require reciprocity, so Twos have to learn to ask directly for what they want or need and then they must cultivate the grace to receive it. When they don’t, they often resort to manipulation.

They want the predictability and comfort of your life, but at the same time they want an authentic life that isn’t like yours or any other life. Fours long so deeply for what they don’t have that they often miss what they do have.

and the longing goes on and on