excerpts from the book i'll never write

by Nadia Nell Starbinski

Lastly, this is for myself. Who’s doubting of my integrity and refusal to live to my potential went on for way too long.

I craved a forever not a just for now.

I dream that one day you will wander into a book shop and thumb through the pages of titles you didn’t know existed.

Somehow featherweight seems safe. Somehow fragile would manage to be sufficient in cushioning your fall. And often we do. Fall, that is. And that’s not the part that hurts. It’s the reeling realization that there’s no one to help you work your way back up.

I am lost. In every definition of the word. I am suffocating, yet I am the one holding the bag over my head.

I can’t see how any sane person can continuously reach for the scolding pan expecting the sting to eventually subside

Some nights I think about dying and some nights I think about living till I break.

I didn’t know that you could cry so hard that your heart stops bleeding and still wake up the next morning

I’d swallow poison if it tasted like you.

It’s 2am and my arms searched for yours from under the sheets. What a horrible way to wake up.

All I said was… Nothing. I gave blank stares. And now, you’re gone.

If you can open your eyes And get lost in the beauty of the sky, If you can’t tell the difference between When the earth and heavens collide, If you have seen a shooting star and hoped With all your soul that your wish may come true, If you have the faith to pursue your happiness And accept the truth hidden in the lies, If you can hear the deafening silence, Sit in a room full of shadows And feel only the presence of yourself, If you can hear their screams without seeing their mouths move, And close your eyes – be real with the horrors of today. Then you, have grown.

you will learn to love yourself far more than he’s ever claimed to love you.

The idea of being a hopeless romantic in a society built on the foundation of a hook-up culture is somehow unwanted; too passionate, too intimidating, if you will.

I knew he’d tear my heart right out of my chest and crush it into a fine dust in his hands. I knew he’d be the most perfect heartbreaker I’d ever have the privilege of loving. Somewhere deep down I knew he’d be the worst choice I’d ever make. But I went on choosing him anyway, day in and day out through every battle through every test he’d put me through; I chose him.

Then there comes the point in a relationship where you can’t stop ignoring the signs. The insecurities that build up, the doubts, the uncertainty; everything you ignored because you were so fascinated by what was in front of you with a big red bow and a tag that read, “All Yours.”

I don’t know what it was for sure; I have no idea what it was that made me love someone so selfish and inconsistent. All that I know is I loved him, my God, I loved him with all that I had, and that love broke me from the inside out until I had nothing left to offer.

Moral of the story, there are plenty of wolves out there, and you won’t be able to spot them so easily at first.

The best love is not manipulative, it is not inconsistent, and it is not selfish.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

success doesn’t equate happiness.

it is okay to be sad for no reason, a billion reasons, or for one small reason.

Some days your lungs will bleed and the fresh air is made of salt. Some days your skins will be a wound and the world is nothing but acid. On these days, you need to know that it is okay to cry.

it’s time to let go of your walls, your ceiling, your floor and grab onto the sky.