excerpts from the book i'll never write

by Nadia Nell Starbinski

He was shy and mysterious; mysterious but in a good way.

I was tired of trying to break my wall down, just to build it up again. It became a heartbreaking cycle I didn’t want to be on anymore.

You are just unlike any other man I have ever met. You're open with me about what is on your mind. Whenever there is a conflict between us, you are patient with me and understanding.

You always put me first. You remember what's important, and what's not. You always tell me you never want to lose me, and I promise I will never let you go.

Let’s run to the end of the city where the lights shine the brightest.

I am sad. Not in this beautiful way that everyone romanticized.

I am anxious. Not in this aesthetic where claiming to have mental illness is worth bragging about.

Sometimes there are people who come into your life and leave a permanent mark. They paint your soul different colors and change the way you see the world.

I think there are people that you are supposed to let into your life, and I think that by design they are meant to leave and you are never supposed to speak again.

You will learn how to fall asleep without him next to you and you will learn to love yourself far more than he’s ever claimed to love you.

This.

there comes the point in a relationship where you can’t stop ignoring the signs.

There’s a certain thrill to it, the danger of falling in love with the idea of somebody rather than who they actually are.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I am here to tell you that it’s time to heal. It’s time to let go of the years you’ve lost to your misery.

All you need to hear is that it is okay to be sad for no reason, a billion reasons, or for one small reason.

Do not listen to the boy who tells you that you are broken because he hasn’t bothered looking into a mirror.