The Boy Crisis: Why Our Boys Are Struggling and What We Can Do About It

by Warren Farrell

A child who learns that a boundary that’s been set is still negotiable develops manipulative negotiating skills. The child soon senses that if he or she doesn’t “win” right away, with enough persistence they can ultimately exhaust the parent and “win.” This second path is most frequently characterized by the exhausted mom finally yelling in frustration, “I said no!” The child then continues to press. The mom loses it and creates a punishment too big for the crime; then, feeling guilty, she fails to follow through on the anger-generated punishment, and in an effort to beg forgiveness, she bends over backward to please the child. The child soon detects exactly what worked to manipulate the mom into bending over backward and giving more than what was even asked for in the first place, and thus hones his or her art for the next iteration of the “cycle of the unenforced boundary.” The outcome? A disrespect for both boundaries and the parent who sets them. When the cycle of the unenforced boundary becomes a pattern, the result is a coercive relationship with the parent, and the child’s disrespect becomes contempt. Just as important, the child “gets rid” of the parent who enforces boundaries—sticking with the parent he or she can manipulate. The child has won, and therefore lost.

The setup: A hidden camera records actors playing teenagers who are clearly under the drinking age. The underage teenagers ask unsuspecting adults to buy them alcohol (aka “shoulder tapping”). The finding: None of the men gave the underage teenagers alcohol; all but one of the women did. The women did express reservations, and a couple initially said no, but then they bought the alcohol for the kids anyway.

Researchers consistently find that fathers who spend time with their children give their children the gifts of self-control and social skills.18 Might the roughhousing component contribute to this? Studies of baby rats that engaged in rough-and-tumble activity find they become less aggressive and have more social skills as adults.

Why did I say, “A dad teasing a child is like a doctor inoculating a child”? Because children are used to their dads teasing them as a part of play. Once, when Arlene tried to tease, Maggie broke into tears almost immediately. Maggie was used to her mom being empathetic and more serious—so in mom language, Maggie translated teasing as a serious criticism. Maggie’s tears convinced Arlene she was right—“teasing is borderline bullying.” She couldn’t get what Martin thought he was teaching when he teased. When Martin teased, he taught Maggie and Marty Jr. to interpret the meaning of a twinkle in his eye, slight alterations of his voice, shifts in his facial expression. Teasing is a core component of teaching emotional intelligence, dad-style.

“That happened for me and my wife too—when our first daughter was born.” All the guys in the group who were parents nodded in recognition. “What was the feeling, Don?” Don’s long pause seemed to walk a tightrope between letting the question slide and digging deeper, as if into an uncomfortable space. “This is awful to say, but I felt like I was working harder so my wife could have a new lover that I was paying for.”