Flat Broke with Two Goats

by Jennifer McGaha

My kids walked into that house one moment as children and left the next as adults. Maybe under other circumstances, it would have seemed different, a more natural letting go. As it was, when we lost the house, I was filled with a strange yet pressing sense that I was deserting my children, simply walking away and leaving them behind. Later, after we moved to the cabin, I would think back on those years at the Cape Cod house with a critic’s eye, dissecting every moment, looking for affirmation that I had, in fact, been a decent mother, that my kids had had happy childhoods.

Nostalgia Pesto For this recipe, I use a variety of types of basil leaves. Lemon is especially good. •2 cups fresh basil leaves •2 cloves garlic, roughly chopped •1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil •1/4 cup pine nuts or walnuts, toasted •1/4 cup Parmesan or Romano cheese, shredded •Sea salt, to taste In a food processor, pulse the basil and garlic until combined. Add the nuts and cheese. Pulse a few more times. Gradually drizzle in the olive oil until the mixture is smooth. Season with sea salt. Serve over hot noodles to a wistful crowd in a cheerful, sunlit room.

The truth—the truth he didn’t want to tell me—was that he had no idea how much money he was going to make from one month to the next. Because his income varied wildly and because the terms of my employment varied from one semester to the next, we had no real way of planning for the next week, the next month, the next year. So we were trapped in a cycle of putting out fires, of throwing money at the most pressing problem at hand without any real long-term plan. It was an unsustainable lifestyle, one that was destined to come spiraling down around us. Lying

Citrus Chicken Marinade •1 cup orange juice •1 cup lime juice •1/2 cup lemon juice •1/4 cup ancho chili powder •2 tablespoons ground paprika •4 cloves garlic •1 cup olive oil •6 to 8 boneless, skinless chicken breasts Combine all ingredients in a blender and puree. Pour the marinade over chicken breasts and refrigerate overnight.

Cajun Shrimp •1 1/2 cups butter •8 ounces clam juice or seafood stock •5 cloves garlic •4 dried bay leaves •4 teaspoons dried rosemary •1 teaspoon dried basil •1 teaspoon dried oregano •1/4 cup lemon juice •1 teaspoon ground red pepper •1 teaspoon salt •1 teaspoon ground nutmeg •1 tablespoon ground paprika •1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper •6 pounds shrimp Melt the butter. Add all ingredients except shrimp. Cook uncovered for 20 minutes. Add shrimp. Cook 10 to 12 minutes or just until pink. Serve with thick, crusty bread, and plenty of napkins.

Taco Soup •1 pound ground turkey •1 small onion, chopped •2 cloves garlic, minced •1 1/2 cups water or chicken broth •3 (16-ounce) cans beans—a combination of black, pinto, kidney, navy, and/or great northern beans, drained and rinsed •3 (14 1/2-ounce) cans canned tomatoes, diced, stewed, pureed, or fire-roasted •1 (15 1/2-ounce) can hominy, drained, or 1 cup fresh or frozen corn •1 (4-ounce) can chopped green chilies •1 package taco seasoning •Salt and pepper to taste •Grated cheese (cheddar or Monterey Jack) •Sour cream •Tabasco or chipotle sauce Sauté the turkey, chopped onion, and garlic in a large soup pot. Drain fat, if necessary. Add chicken broth, beans, tomatoes, corn, chilies, and taco seasoning. Simmer for at least an hour. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Serve with grated cheese, sour cream, and plenty of hot sauce. Since hot foods increase your endorphin levels, the more distressed you are, the more hot sauce you will need.

Chipotle Chicken Burritos for a Crowd •10 pounds boneless, skinless chicken breasts •30 chipotle peppers in adobo sauce (about 5 small cans) •20 cloves garlic •2 1/2 teaspoons ground cayenne pepper •2 1/2 teaspoons ground paprika •1 1/4 teaspoons ground black pepper •1 1/4 teaspoons ground cumin •1 1/4 cups lime juice (not diluted) •1 1/4 cups Worcestershire sauce •1 1/4 cups honey •2 1/2 cups balsamic vinegar •2 1/2 cups olive oil •3 tablespoons salt Puree all ingredients except chicken in food processor or blender. Place chicken in pan. Pour marinade over, and turn to make sure it is thoroughly coated. Cover and refrigerate for several hours. Grill. Chop into cubes. Serve buffet style with warm tortillas, rice, beans (a choice of refried or black beans is nice), shredded cheese, lettuce and/or spinach, chopped red onions, chopped tomatoes, salsa, sour cream, guacamole, etc. Accompany with margaritas or a smooth, nutty amber ale such as Green Man ESB from Green Man Brewery in Asheville.

Nora Ephron’s Wallflower at the Orgy,

But feeling better would not mean the loss was less real, only less raw and exposed. Instead of being on my skin, my grief would seep through my pores and adhere to my heart and lungs, to my blood and guts. And now I had to figure out how to live like that, how to behave like a normal, sane person, a person who was not haunted.

making ricotta was easy—easier, in fact, than driving to the store to buy ricotta. It was also a great way to use milk that was approaching or even slightly past its due date. You simply brought a gallon of milk to two hundred degrees in a large pot, stirred in a quarter cup of lemon juice or three tablespoons of vinegar, brought the milk mixture back to two hundred degrees, then let it sit, covered, for about fifteen minutes. Then you drained the whey from the curds and hung the cheese. In just over an hour, you had heavenly homemade ricotta that was delicious in pasta dishes or smeared on toasted bread with plenty of garlic and oregano and a drizzle of olive oil. I

Homemade Yogurt •1 gallon milk •8 tablespoons plain yogurt with active cultures Divide milk into 4 jars, leaving 2 inches of space at top. Place a folded dishrag in bottom of pot. Add filled jars. Fill pot with water ¾ of the way up the sides of jars. Bring water to a boil, and simmer until milk in jars has reached 180 to 185 degrees. Remove jars from pot, and allow to cool to 110 to 120 degrees. Once cooled, stir 2 tablespoons yogurt into each jar, and cap jars. Place jars in a small cooler. Fill cooler with warm water, exchanging the water as necessary to keep the temperature consistent. Let sit for 10 hours. Remove the jars from the cooler and refrigerate.

Smoky Poached Eggs with Chickpeas and Feta •2 tablespoons olive oil •1 medium onion, chopped •4 cloves garlic, chopped •1 to 2 jalapeños, seeded, finely chopped •1 (15-ounce) can chickpeas, drained •2 teaspoons Hungarian smoked paprika •1 teaspoon ground cumin •1 (28-ounce) can crushed tomatoes •Salt and freshly ground black pepper •1 cup coarsely crumbled feta •8 large farm-fresh eggs •Chopped fresh cilantro for garnish (optional) •Smoking J’s Fiery Foods chipotle hot sauce or other good quality sauce Preheat oven to 425°. Sauté the onion, garlic, and jalapeño in a large ovenproof skillet over medium-high heat until onion is soft, about 8 minutes. Add chickpeas, paprika, and cumin, and cook for 2 minutes longer. Add crushed tomatoes. Bring to a boil, reduce heat to medium-low, and simmer about 15 minutes. Take off heat. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Sprinkle feta evenly over sauce. Crack eggs one at a time and place over sauce, spacing evenly apart. Transfer skillet to oven, and bake until whites are just set but yolks are still runny, 5 to 8 minutes. Garnish with cilantro. Serve with hearty brown bread and, of course, hot sauce.

Molasses Cocktail for Finicky Goats Mix 1/4 cup blackstrap molasses with 2 cups warm goat’s milk. Pour into an empty, clean soda bottle fitted with a nipple, or if your goat is extra finicky, onto a plate propped on an overturned soup pot. Gently massage baby goat’s ears while she drinks.

Spicy Crock-Pot Chicken for Chicken Lovers •1 to 2 teaspoons salt •2 teaspoons ground paprika •1 teaspoon ground cayenne pepper •1 teaspoon onion powder •1 teaspoon dried thyme •1 teaspoon ground black pepper •1/4 teaspoon garlic powder •1 cup chopped onions •1 humanely raised large roasting chicken from someone else’s farm Combine spices. Massage into chicken. Put chopped onion into Crock-Pot. Add chicken and cover. Cook on low 4 to 6 hours.

My life now was so far removed from the life I had had growing up, from anyone else’s I knew, in fact, that I moved deeper and deeper into the memories of my grandparents and great-grandparents, to their stories of survival and perseverance and connectedness to the land. Their spirits guided me, provided me solace and wisdom, and they came to me at the oddest times, when I was folding laundry or frying an egg, when I was walking down to the barn with my dogs each morning or shutting the goats in their stalls. They came to me when I was cooking dinner, when the kitchen was close and sticky, moisture droplets forming on the windows, the warmth rising and clinging to my face. They came not in a steady, logical progression but effervescent and shifting, all vapor and steam and heat.

Both Saanens and LaManchas go into heat for only a few weeks out of the fall months, so if we missed our chance to mate them this year, we would have to wait another year. Still, just to be on the safe side, we decided to hold off until the next breeding season. We wanted to be certain the does were mature enough and healthy enough to carry and deliver their kids safely. And though Nigerians are fertile all year and we could have tried to breed Ama again, we decided to give her body a break as well. So we packed up our milking supplies and waited.

Goat Cheese •1/2 gallon room-temperature goat’s milk •1 drop double-strength liquid rennet •1/4 cup nonchlorinated water •1/8 teaspoon mesophilic starter Strain milk into a large mason jar or other nonmetallic container. Dissolve rennet in water, and add to the milk. Sprinkle in mesophilic starter, and gently stir. Cover, and let the whole mixture percolate for approximately 24 hours. After the curds have separated from the whey (the liquid), dump the whole mixture into butter muslin or double-layered cheesecloth placed in a colander. Gather the ends of the cloth, tie the remaining cheese into a bundle, and hang for 3 to 4 hours to allow the whey to finish draining. Season with salt (I use about ½ teaspoon sea salt per batch) and herbs/vegetables/fruit, and refrigerate. (Be sure to save all of the leftover whey! There are tons of uses for whey, such as lemon whey pie on page 284.) This cheese is wonderful plain or with flavor additions such as the following. JALAPEÑO GARLIC This is my husband’s favorite. He spreads it over everything bagels instead of cream cheese. •½ jalapeño, seeded and minced •½ to 1 clove garlic, crushed LEMON This is amazing on ginger snaps. •1 teaspoon finely grated lemon rind* •1 teaspoon organic sugar * Grated lemon rind is also excellent with fresh rosemary, chives, or dill. GARDEN VEGETABLE •1/4 red pepper, seeded and chopped •1/4 green pepper, seeded and chopped •1/2 clove garlic, chopped •1 tablespoon finely chopped onion •A handful of fresh ba...

That’s what I wanted, but it seemed our lives now were always about a compromise between what we really wanted and what we could actually get. The

Lemon Whey Pie FILLING •1 1/2 cups whey, divided •1 cup sugar •3 1/2 tablespoons cornstarch •3 egg yolks (save whites) •1 1/2 tablespoons butter, melted •1/2 teaspoon salt •1/4 cup fresh lemon juice Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Bring 1 cup whey to boil in medium saucepan. In separate bowl, whisk sugar, cornstarch, and remaining ½ cup cold whey until it forms a smooth paste. Add paste mixture into the hot whey, stirring constantly until it thickens. In another small bowl, lightly beat egg yolks, and combine with butter, salt, and lemon juice. Pour a small amount of the hot whey mixture into egg yolk mixture, and stir. Add this mixture to the mixture in the saucepan and cook two minutes, stirring constantly. MERINGUE •3 egg whites •¼ teaspoon cream of tartar •¼ teaspoon salt •½ teaspoon vanilla •6 tablespoons sugar Beat egg whites, cream of tartar, salt, and vanilla in a bowl until foamy. Add sugar, one tablespoon at a time, beating thoroughly after each addition. Continue beating at medium-high speed until stiff, sharp peaks form. TO ASSEMBLE Pour filling into prebaked pie shell. Top with meringue, and smooth to seal edges along the pie crust. Bake in preheated oven at 350 degrees for 12 to 15 minutes.

In Utah, on our way to Salt Lake City, we had strolled along the rim of Bryce Canyon, admiring the cacti, the ponderosas, the magical, glowing hoodoos below. And then we came upon a grove of bristlecone pines, Pinus longaeva. They were twisted and stark, unimpressive, not at all like the magnificent white pines from home. But then we read the park service sign that told the story of these ancient pines. When the trunk of a bristlecone begins to decay, the tree, in an amazing feat of self-preservation, stretches its branches to the ground, forming a new trunk. It recreates itself. It is reborn. I had carried that image with me over the years, of the tired, mangled limbs untangling themselves and reaching for the ground. Hopeful. Tenacious. What did it mean for me to be hopeful now?

Goat’s Milk Custard This recipe is adapted from Guy Fieri’s Goat Milk Crème Caramel recipe. •1/3 cup sugar •2 cups goat’s milk •1/2 cup plus 1 tablespoon sugar •3 egg yolks, beaten •2 whole eggs, beaten •1/4 teaspoon vanilla Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Pour 1/3 cup sugar into a small saucepan, and heat slowly until the sugar melts and turns a dark brown. (Be careful not to burn!) Divide evenly among four ramekins. Put milk and remaining sugar in a pan, and bring to a simmer. Combine egg yolks, whole eggs, and vanilla in a mixing bowl. Whisk until foamy. Temper by adding a small amount of the hot milk to the egg mixture. Slowly stir the egg mixture into the hot milk in the pan. Divide the mixture evenly among the four ramekins, and place in a roasting pan. Fill the pan with water until the ramekins are three-quarters covered. Bake 35 minutes or until the custards are set.

When you have gone through a sort of travesty of your own making, failure begins to feel like part of you. You get used to it. People around you expect you to fail, and you learn to expect it from yourself, to see it as almost comforting in its familiarity. You begin to believe you are destined to make a mess of things. But then there are those unexpected kindnesses, those moments when someone does something to make you believe that perhaps you are more than the sum of everything you have done wrong, that perhaps you are worth more than you think. Dr. Harris was one of those people, a person who looked at us and saw two people whose love for their animals made them better somehow, more gentle and more noble, and her presence in our lives made us begin to feel worthy again at last.

Pasta with Goat Cheese, Sun-Dried Tomatoes, and Broccoli •1/2 gallon whey •1 pound penne or bow tie pasta •1 crown of broccoli florets, chopped •1/2 to 1 bulb (not cloves) garlic, divided into cloves and crushed •2 to 4 tablespoons olive oil •2 tomatoes, chopped •1/2 cup chopped sun-dried tomatoes in oil, drained (reserve a tablespoon or two of oil) •1/2 cup Kalamata olives •1/2 cup chopped artichoke hearts in oil, drained •1/2 batch (about 1/2 cup) soft goat cheese, crumbled •Salt and pepper to taste Bring the whey to boil. Add pasta. Cook according to instructions, adding broccoli in the last 3 to 5 minutes of cooking. Drain. Sauté garlic in olive oil until fragrant. Add fresh tomatoes, and sauté for a minute or two. Stir in sun-dried tomatoes, olives, and artichoke hearts. Remove from heat, and add drained pasta and broccoli and goat cheese. Mix thoroughly. Season with salt and pepper to taste. If mixture seems too dry, add reserved oil from the sun-dried tomatoes. If you live in Asheville, serve this with Freak of Nature Double IPA from Wicked Weed Brewing because it is hoppy and refreshing and offsets the ton of garlic you are ingesting. If you live anywhere else in the world, serve it with a good merlot or something sparkling.

Cajeta •1/2 gallon goat’s milk •2 cups sugar •1 cinnamon stick •1/2 teaspoon baking soda dissolved in 1 tablespoon water Mate a beautiful LaMancha doe with an adorably haggard Nigerian dwarf buck. Wait 150 days. Sit in a freezing cold, dark barn with a laboring doe for eight hours or longer. Become sick and numb with worry as the doe’s labor drags on and on. Make all sorts of pointless promises about how you will never put your doe through this again. When the babies do finally arrive safely, feel enormous gratitude. Take eight million photos, and send them to all of your friends, family, colleagues, and people who inexplicably remain in your cell phone contact list despite the fact that you have long since forgotten why they are there. Post more photos on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. Insist that all nearby friends and family visit. Check on kids obsessively, even though their mother is actually their mother, and you are just a bystander. Then, when the kids are two weeks old, when they have gotten all the colostrum they need and are strong and active and thriving, separate them from their mother at night so you can begin morning milking. Once you have a half gallon of milk, bring the milk, sugar, and cinnamon stick to a simmer in a saucepan. Remove from heat, and stir in dissolved baking soda. Return to heat, and cook until thick and caramel colored, approximately one hour, stirring frequently. When mixture is the consistency of a thick caramel sauce, remove from h...

Goat Milk Soap The hardest parts about making goat milk soap are (1) milking the goat and (2) overcoming your fear of working with lye. The rest is a piece of cake. Once I got past my phobia of lye, I found soap making to be fun and relaxing. I loved all the smells and textures, the way the scents filled the entire house when the bars were curing. It was a lot like baking bread, and since I could no longer make anything as fussy as bread in our temperamental oven, soap making was a nice alternative. I have tried various methods with varying degrees of success, but by far the easiest way I have found is a hot-processed method that uses a Crock-Pot. Though hot-processed soaps have a slightly rougher appearance and tend to be darker in color than cold-processed soaps, they are ready to use soon after making and thus fulfill my need for almost-instant gratification. •20 ounces olive oil •40 ounces coconut oil •18 ounces frozen goat’s milk •9.56 ounces 100 percent pure lye Melt the coconut oil in Crock-Pot turned to low. When coconut oil is completely melted, add olive oil. Wearing protective gear and working in a well-ventilated area, slowly stir the lye into the frozen milk. (Note: Always add lye to the milk, never the other way around.) Once the lye has dissolved into the melted milk, slowly stir the lye/milk mixture into the oils in the Crock-Pot. Using a stick blender, blend in quick bursts for several minutes, until the mixture begins to “trace.” At this point, the mixtur...

What books or authors are your favorite? There are so many books and authors I admire, but right now, Maggie Nelson’s Bluets is at the top of my list. I just think it is so bold and beautiful and brilliant. I also really admire Cheryl Strayed (Wild) because she writes with such lovely, brutal honesty about her struggles and imperfections. I also love Jo Ann Beard’s The Boys of My Youth and Marion Winik’s First Comes Love. These women all tackle tough personal experiences with a frankness I tremendously admire. They are not afraid to go to hard places emotionally, and yet somehow in telling their stories, they elevate those painful experiences.

I hope people walk away from my story knowing that they, too, have the power to reimagine their lives.