Flat Broke with Two Goats

by Jennifer McGaha

Though David had been the eternal optimist, adept at always staying one step ahead—borrowing from A to pay B, borrowing from C to pay A—our lives had at last become one meandering, nonsensical equation. We were more than $350,000 in debt. Our credit cards were maxed out. Our cars were old and in desperate need of repairs. And, even worse, we had a tax problem. A major tax problem.

Nostalgia Pesto For this recipe, I use a variety of types of basil leaves. Lemon is especially good. •2 cups fresh basil leaves •2 cloves garlic, roughly chopped •1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil •1/4 cup pine nuts or walnuts, toasted •1/4 cup Parmesan or Romano cheese, shredded •Sea salt, to taste In a food processor, pulse the basil and garlic until combined. Add the nuts and cheese. Pulse a few more times. Gradually drizzle in the olive oil until the mixture is smooth. Season with sea salt. Serve over hot noodles to a wistful crowd in a cheerful, sunlit room.

For the last several years, we had not filed tax returns. With the late penalties, we owed more than one hundred thousand dollars to the IRS, another eight thousand dollars to the state.

funds. And while what I should have learned from living a relatively privileged childhood was the value of hard work and frugality, what I learned instead was that money was not something with which I needed to be overly concerned. If and when I needed it, it would magically appear—like a genie.

Many Americans equate paying taxes with patriotism and not paying taxes with subversion, but it was not that we didn’t want to pay our taxes. We had paid the bills that seemed most imperative at the time, the most immediate, and now we had no money left.

For four or five years... yeah, okay.

position. I considered trying to get a job teaching high school, but I didn’t have a degree in education or a teaching license, so teaching in the public school system was out of the question.

So get certified?

Finally, I began to look at jobs in other fields, secretarial positions and receptionist positions, but every job description I found read like a description of areas in which I was particularly lacking: “Must be highly organized. Must be a self-starter. Must be detail oriented.” They might as well have said, “Must not be, nor ever have been, nor ever aspire to be, an English teacher or a writer.”

As if writing doesn't require self-starting, paying attention to details, and organizing information.

business. He had some clients who owned a Chipotle-style Mexican restaurant that was quickly losing money. When they decided one day to simply walk away from the business, David offered to take over.

Restaurants are one of the most notoriously difficult businesses to keep afloat.

Citrus Chicken Marinade •1 cup orange juice •1 cup lime juice •1/2 cup lemon juice •1/4 cup ancho chili powder •2 tablespoons ground paprika •4 cloves garlic •1 cup olive oil •6 to 8 boneless, skinless chicken breasts Combine all ingredients in a blender and puree. Pour the marinade over chicken breasts and refrigerate overnight.

Cajun Shrimp •1 1/2 cups butter •8 ounces clam juice or seafood stock •5 cloves garlic •4 dried bay leaves •4 teaspoons dried rosemary •1 teaspoon dried basil •1 teaspoon dried oregano •1/4 cup lemon juice •1 teaspoon ground red pepper •1 teaspoon salt •1 teaspoon ground nutmeg •1 tablespoon ground paprika •1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper •6 pounds shrimp Melt the butter. Add all ingredients except shrimp. Cook uncovered for 20 minutes. Add shrimp. Cook 10 to 12 minutes or just until pink. Serve with thick, crusty bread, and plenty of napkins.

Taco Soup •1 pound ground turkey •1 small onion, chopped •2 cloves garlic, minced •1 1/2 cups water or chicken broth •3 (16-ounce) cans beans—a combination of black, pinto, kidney, navy, and/or great northern beans, drained and rinsed •3 (14 1/2-ounce) cans canned tomatoes, diced, stewed, pureed, or fire-roasted •1 (15 1/2-ounce) can hominy, drained, or 1 cup fresh or frozen corn •1 (4-ounce) can chopped green chilies •1 package taco seasoning •Salt and pepper to taste •Grated cheese (cheddar or Monterey Jack) •Sour cream •Tabasco or chipotle sauce Sauté the turkey, chopped onion, and garlic in a large soup pot. Drain fat, if necessary. Add chicken broth, beans, tomatoes, corn, chilies, and taco seasoning. Simmer for at least an hour. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Serve with grated cheese, sour cream, and plenty of hot sauce. Since hot foods increase your endorphin levels, the more distressed you are, the more hot sauce you will need.

Chipotle Chicken Burritos for a Crowd •10 pounds boneless, skinless chicken breasts •30 chipotle peppers in adobo sauce (about 5 small cans) •20 cloves garlic •2 1/2 teaspoons ground cayenne pepper •2 1/2 teaspoons ground paprika •1 1/4 teaspoons ground black pepper •1 1/4 teaspoons ground cumin •1 1/4 cups lime juice (not diluted) •1 1/4 cups Worcestershire sauce •1 1/4 cups honey •2 1/2 cups balsamic vinegar •2 1/2 cups olive oil •3 tablespoons salt Puree all ingredients except chicken in food processor or blender. Place chicken in pan. Pour marinade over, and turn to make sure it is thoroughly coated. Cover and refrigerate for several hours. Grill. Chop into cubes. Serve buffet style with warm tortillas, rice, beans (a choice of refried or black beans is nice), shredded cheese, lettuce and/or spinach, chopped red onions, chopped tomatoes, salsa, sour cream, guacamole, etc. Accompany with margaritas or a smooth, nutty amber ale such as Green Man ESB from Green Man Brewery in Asheville.

Mamaw’s Cornbread •1 1/2 cups self-rising cornmeal •3 tablespoons self-rising flour •1 egg, beaten •About 1/2 cup milk (whole, evaporated, or buttermilk) •1 to 2 tablespoons oil or shortening for pan Preheat a cast-iron skillet coated with oil or shortening in oven at 425 degrees. Mix dry ingredients. Stir in egg, and add milk until the batter is the consistency of thick pancake batter. Pour into hot pan. Bake about 18 minutes or until brown on top.

The night before, David had been skeptical. Do they really mail chicks halfway across the country the day they are born? Yes, I had told him. That’s how it works.

And I was the mother of all mothers. I was Eve.

So over the next few days, we backed up and did what we should have done to begin with, which seemed to be our modus operandi: Proceed at breakneck pace until a problem occurs, then furiously backpedal.

I had read that sometimes, in the days before they kid, expectant mothers “talk” to their unborn babies. I knew by now that goats were intelligent, sensitive beings. Still, that seemed a little far-fetched, so when Ama began twisting her head around and making quietly, motherly murmurings to her belly, I was astounded. She baaed so softly, so sweetly in tones so different from any I had heard her utter before that there was no mistaking that she was talking to her kids. What was she telling them? Was she reassuring them? Wishing them safe passage? Urging them to hurry? Perhaps she was simply confiding to them that she was stuck in the barn with a crazy lady who kept staring at her vulva.

Spicy Crock-Pot Chicken for Chicken Lovers •1 to 2 teaspoons salt •2 teaspoons ground paprika •1 teaspoon ground cayenne pepper •1 teaspoon onion powder •1 teaspoon dried thyme •1 teaspoon ground black pepper •1/4 teaspoon garlic powder •1 cup chopped onions •1 humanely raised large roasting chicken from someone else’s farm Combine spices. Massage into chicken. Put chopped onion into Crock-Pot. Add chicken and cover. Cook on low 4 to 6 hours.

Today was June 14, one week before the summer solstice, the first anniversary of my grandmother’s death, a fact my body registered before my mind knew what was happening.

Terry. For days, I had been telling David it would be better to go ahead and put an end to her misery, but I was forced to eat proverbial crow when around noon that day, she stood up and walked out of her hospice crate and rejoined the other chickens as if nothing had ever happened. Together, they scratched and fluffed and nibbled grain in the afternoon sun.

Ama and I had been partners in her pregnancy, but from the moment she delivered her kids safely into the world, she was no longer interested in me. Whatever hormone surges or instincts had caused her to seek my company and affection were gone, and she immediately reverted to her initial assessment—that David was a much better human companion than I was.

Prenatal Piña Coladas •1 1/2 ounces coconut cream •1 1/2 ounces pineapple juice •A few slices fresh pineapple •2 ounces Flor de Caña rum •1 cup ice Blend all ingredients in blender until smooth. Pour into tall, chilled glass. Drink in barn. Refuse to share with pregnant goat no matter how much she begs.

“This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me!” Alex said. “Oh, honey, no. No, it’s not,” my mother said, still patting her. She meant to be comforting, I suppose, but her meaning was unclear. Was it a lesson in relativity? Did she mean having a black snake and a nest of doomed baby birds fall on you wasn’t that bad compared to, say, being stung by a swarm of bees or accosted by a mother bear? Did she mean worse things had happened and that someday, this incident would take its rightful place behind other unfortunate happenings? Or perhaps, was she looking ahead to all the shocking, painful things that were bound to happen in the future, things we had no control of, things we could not even see coming?

Which pretty much summed up my feelings about the past two years: What the fuck. Just when I was becoming more comfortable here, just when I was starting to enjoy this place, a massive snake had fallen from the sky and landed practically on top of us. Nothing was the way I had planned. Nothing was the way it was supposed to be. The universe was out of sync.

A completely harmless snake, as the author herself stated earlier. Such melodramatics!

Arugula Salad for a Snaky Picnic This recipe is adapted from The New Blue Ridge Cookbook by Elizabeth Wiegand. •3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil •2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar •1 fennel bulb •1 large bunch arugula •1/4 to 1/3 cup shaved Parmesan cheese •A couple of handfuls of chopped, roasted walnuts Whisk olive oil and vinegar together for dressing. Cut fronds from fennel bulb, and set fronds aside. Clean bulb thoroughly, and remove the end. Shave remaining bulb thinly with mandoline or cheese grater. Toss with dressing. Add arugula, cheese, and walnuts. Toss salad to distribute dressing evenly. Divide salad among four plates for serving. Serve reserved fennel fronds to your chickens, no plates required.

the whole process seemed a little like wrestling, a little like dancing, a little like giving a goat a massage.

In later news briefings, the sheriff would call the incident “incredibly tragic,” as if some random event had taken this man’s life, as if, by sending that massive show of force to get one man with one still, they had not set up a situation bound to beget violence.

Post-Surveillance Gazpacho This recipe is slightly adapted from Moosewood Restaurant’s Gazpacho a la Guadalajara. •2 cups fresh corn, cut from the cob and boiled •4 cups tomato juice •1 cucumber, peeled and cubed •2 avocados, peeled, pitted, and cubed •4 tablespoons fresh lime juice •1 clove garlic, minced •1 1/2 teaspoons ground cumin •1/4 teaspoons ground cayenne pepper •Salt •Fresh cilantro for garnish Combine all ingredients. Chill 1 to 2 hours before serving.

Finally, David and I settled those questions the way we resolved all difficult questions: we would cross that bridge when we came to it.

And as their present situation reveals: this is not a working solution for these two.

Ringneck Season Mojitos •6 ounces light rum •6 tablespoons fresh lime juice •4 tablespoons sugar •Several mint sprigs •Club soda •Fresh lime Combine rum, lime juice, sugar, and mint sprigs, crushing mint in liquid. Fill glass with club soda and ice, if desired. Garnish with fresh lime slices and more mint.

spreadsheet. In between my hair appointments and David’s dentist appointments,

Wait, hair appointments? Who can afford that luxury when half a million dollars in debt?

Pasta with Goat Cheese, Sun-Dried Tomatoes, and Broccoli •1/2 gallon whey •1 pound penne or bow tie pasta •1 crown of broccoli florets, chopped •1/2 to 1 bulb (not cloves) garlic, divided into cloves and crushed •2 to 4 tablespoons olive oil •2 tomatoes, chopped •1/2 cup chopped sun-dried tomatoes in oil, drained (reserve a tablespoon or two of oil) •1/2 cup Kalamata olives •1/2 cup chopped artichoke hearts in oil, drained •1/2 batch (about 1/2 cup) soft goat cheese, crumbled •Salt and pepper to taste Bring the whey to boil. Add pasta. Cook according to instructions, adding broccoli in the last 3 to 5 minutes of cooking. Drain. Sauté garlic in olive oil until fragrant. Add fresh tomatoes, and sauté for a minute or two. Stir in sun-dried tomatoes, olives, and artichoke hearts. Remove from heat, and add drained pasta and broccoli and goat cheese. Mix thoroughly. Season with salt and pepper to taste. If mixture seems too dry, add reserved oil from the sun-dried tomatoes. If you live in Asheville, serve this with Freak of Nature Double IPA from Wicked Weed Brewing because it is hoppy and refreshing and offsets the ton of garlic you are ingesting. If you live anywhere else in the world, serve it with a good merlot or something sparkling.

“You drive,” he said. “I’ll ride in the back with the possum.”

Watching the sun dip behind the mountain and the moon rise high in the sky, I realized that the waterfall I saw in front of me was not the exact waterfall I would see tomorrow. It was continually reborn, renewed, restored.