We're Going to Need More Wine

by Gabrielle Union

I’ve had a couple of moments—okay, months, maybe years—where the idea of disappearing and never being seen again seemed like an appealing option.

We darker girls should not be pitted against our lighter-skinned sisters, but our pain at being passed over also shouldn’t be dismissed by people saying, “Love the skin you’re in.” You can love what you see in the mirror, but you can’t self-esteem your way out of the way the world treats you. Not when we are made to feel so unloved and exiled to the other end of the beauty spectrum.

This cannot be a group hug of women validating women. Men must mentor girls as they grow into women, guiding them to find their own validation so they don’t seek it elsewhere in negative ways. Tell your daughter or niece she is great and valued not in spite of who she is, but because she is exactly who she is.

By the way, you can work on yourself and still have sex with someone at the same time. Or at least around the same time. Your pussy and brain don’t have to take turns. Besides, there’s a bunch of hours in the day. You can actually get to therapy and go on a date on the same day.

“Bitch,” she said, “did you say imitation crab?” In my mind, it was the best parts of the crab but so much less expensive.

“What positive happened in your life because you tore this woman down?” she asked. “And, by the way, you showed exactly how much power she has over you because you spent an hour talking about her to a roomful of people.”

But the more empowered women in the workforce, the better. The more that women mentor women, the stronger our answer is to the old-boys’ network that we’ve been left out of. We can’t afford to leave any woman behind. We need every woman on the front lines lifting each other up . . . for the good of all of us and the women who come behind us.

It is exactly the same as when I would challenge my friends in Pleasanton near the end of high school. “That again?” they would say. “Get off your soapbox.” Only now these are grown-ups who fashion themselves as allies.

(I also check in stealth as Cha Cha diGregorio from Grease—the best dancer at St. Bernadette’s with the worst reputation—but that is another story.)

If you’re an actor of color and you’ve never had the chance to hang out with somebody and show them you’re talented and fun and enlightened and deeper than what you can submit on a résumé, you never have the opportunities to be included. Prince created those opportunities just by throwing a better party. When he included you, you literally found yourself in the bathroom line with some of the world’s biggest names in entertainment.

“How dare you not prioritize yourself?” I wanted to yell at her. “Because now I am going to be without a friend. How dare you be so selfish?” We always internalize the things that happen to other people in terms of how it will affect us.