Why Not Me?

by Mindy Kaling

“Cinch together the whole look with a wide belt” was a very popular style in the early 2000s, which we believed accentuated our curves but in reality made a generation of women look like we were wearing lumbar support braces.

Asking your friend to be a bridesmaid is one of the modern paradoxes: no one actually wants to do it, but everyone would be offended if you didn’t ask.

And as everyone knows, the best kind of laughter is laughter born of a shared memory.

We will never come home to each other again and we will never again have each other’s undivided attention. That version of our friendship is over forever.

This is so very The Skulls (starring Paul Walker and Joshua Jackson at the height of their hotness).

Just no.

So much of college is girls labeling other girls terrible things when they don’t like their behavior, but using concerned language so they have plausible deniability if they get accused of being bitches: That girl is not cheerfully doing what the rest of us are doing, so she is probably “depressed” or “has an eating disorder” or “is weird with guys,” and so on.

“Who Wore It Best?” is incredibly popular because we, as consumers, are not completely satisfied with our scrutiny of women’s appearances in TV and film. We also find it enjoyable to pit women against each other in fashion Hunger Games.

Throwing a tantrum feels good because you think you are ruining everyone’s good time when you feel your very worst. But the truth is, you’re not ruining their good time, you’re just giving them another good story.

“Soul mates” is what you aim for, but soup snakes is what you get sometimes.

I’m the kind of person who becomes silent when I get scared, because I hope Death will not notice me if I am very still and very quiet.

With the exception of an auctioneer and maybe Kris Jenner, there is no one in the world less mysterious than me.

A heartfelt hug coming from a straight man who has spent the evening drinking with you is like him buying a billboard in Times Square that says I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU. I walked into my house, got into bed with all my clothes on, and cried.

My deep dark secret is that I absolutely do try to conform to normal standards of beauty. I am just not remotely successful at it.

No food is as delicious as food you eat standing a foot away from a trash can. Ask any possum.

I will leave you with one last piece of advice, which is: If you’ve got it, flaunt it. And if you don’t got it? Flaunt it. ’Cause what are we even doing here if we’re not flaunting it?

And the scary thing I have noticed is that some people really feel uncomfortable around women who don’t hate themselves. So that’s why you need to be a little bit brave.

People get scared when you try to do something, especially when it looks like you’re succeeding. People do not get scared when you’re failing. It calms them. That’s why the show Intervention is a hit and everyone loves “worrying about” Amanda Bynes. But when you’re winning, it makes them feel like they’re losing or, worse yet, that maybe they should’ve tried to do something too, but now it’s too late. And since they didn’t, they want to stop you. You can’t let them.