Why Not Me?

by Mindy Kaling

Every time, I told him no. I never think environmental hazards are going to kill me. I only think serial killers are.

Now, had I been one Champagne in, I could’ve backtracked so deftly you would think I was Michael Jackson moonwalking across the stage on his Bad world tour. Even two Champagnes and I could’ve charmed my way out of this by pretending I was being ironic the whole time. But not three. Three glasses of anything alcoholic is like truth serum for me.

But perhaps best of all, I had enough pull that the writers’ assistant kept the fridge stocked with my favorite junk foods—Australian red licorice and Pepperidge Farm cinnamon raisin bread—without my even asking. If that isn’t success and power, I don’t know what is.

It’s weird when you feel your dream slipping away from you. Especially when you have no other dreams. I was surprised that my overwhelming feeling was not sadness; it was terror.

• Say “Whoa” when we see a hot guy • Say “Whoa” when we see a hot pizza

But I wasn’t always this way. No, there was a time not long ago, when I was merely smart and hot.

For lunch I usually have something hearty like a burger or tacos. I have always believed lunch should be the biggest meal of the day. People who say breakfast should be the biggest meal are insane. You can’t have dessert at breakfast.

People had started shouting a bit now, but I was, surprisingly, not one of them. I’m the kind of person who becomes silent when I get scared, because I hope Death will not notice me if

I am very still and very quiet. It has worked well so far.

One thing I definitely don’t need is lavish gifts. I’m not some princess living in a fairy tale. A simple compliment once in a while is enough to show he appreciates me: “You look pretty today.” “I love your laugh.” “You’re such a good cook, even better than my mother and my sisters.” “I love you more than my mother and my sisters.” See? It’s so easy!

And the scary thing I have noticed is that some people really feel uncomfortable around women who don’t hate themselves. So that’s why you need to be a little bit brave.