Why Not Me?

by Mindy Kaling

We will never come home to each other again and we will never again have each other’s undivided attention. That version of our friendship is over forever.

Because, at its heart, my annoyance or impatience with my friends’ weddings stems from my own panic and abandonment issues. Why are you leaving me behind like this, friend? What am I supposed to do all by myself now that you are gone?

It’s traumatizing to think that a best friend could become just a friend. That’s because there is virtually no difference between an acquaintance and a friend. But the gulf between a friend and a best friend is enormous and profound.

So much of college is girls labeling other girls terrible things when they don’t like their behavior, but using concerned language so they have plausible deniability if they get accused of being bitches: That girl is not cheerfully doing what the rest of us are doing, so she is probably “depressed” or “has an eating disorder” or “is weird with guys,” and so on.

You know how girls are always saying that guys broke up with them and it wasn’t the breakup itself, it was the way they did it that was so uncool? It was around the holidays. It was the week of her mother’s birthday. It was on the phone. And you are listening, thinking, So, the only decent way for him to have broken up with you is to not break up with you and stay with you forever?

No matter how good you have it, it’s cool to want more.

Well … I guess the people who work hard whose dreams don’t come true don’t get to write books about it, so we never really find out what happens to them. So …

Yes, we have an elevator for a building with three floors, because this is Los Angeles, where we all drive two blocks to run on a treadmill for forty-five minutes.

This story didn’t end in fireworks, because the truth is, fireworks are something from my twenties. I could have made fireworks, but I chose to make a nuanced memory of a person who is neither a hero nor a villain in my life. All I had to do now was move on.

But I’m the kind of person who actually likes feeling a little bit out of place. Aspirational is how I feel comfortable.

Like everyone in Southern California, I’ve attempted several juice cleanses. If you live in the city of Los Angeles, it is your legal right to be able to purchase freshly squeezed kale juice from any gas station within a twenty-mile radius of the Hollywood sign.

But my secret is: even though I wish I could be thin, and that I could have the ease of lifestyle that I associate with being thin, I don’t wish for it with all of my heart. Because my heart is reserved for way more important things.

But it’s not that I think I’m so great. I just don’t hate myself. I do idiotic things all the time and I say crazy stuff I regret, but I don’t let everything traumatize me. And the scary thing I have noticed is that some people really feel uncomfortable around women who don’t hate themselves. So that’s why you need to be a little bit brave.

People get scared when you try to do something, especially when it looks like you’re succeeding. People do not get scared when you’re failing. It calms them. That’s why the show Intervention is a hit and everyone loves “worrying about” Amanda Bynes. But when you’re winning, it makes them feel like they’re losing or, worse yet, that maybe they should’ve tried to do something too, but

now it’s too late. And since they didn’t, they want to stop you. You can’t let them.