Why Not Me?

by Mindy Kaling

So I have had to learn some drastic ways to get rid of my zits. Only one thing has ever worked, and I have come to depend on one device, a special wand the size and weight of a remote control that shoots hot blue light into my skin. I bought this wand, the Tria Acne Clearing Blue Light, from my dermatologist’s office.

You know how girls are always saying that guys broke up with them and it wasn’t the breakup itself, it was the way they did it that was so uncool? It was around the holidays. It was the week of her mother’s birthday. It was on the phone. And you are listening, thinking, So, the only decent way for him to have broken up with you is to not break up with you and stay with you forever?

When I complained of being tired, Greta recommended her “exhaustion guy.” She wasn’t like my lame parents who said that I needed to sleep more and eat better to combat tiredness. Greta’s solution was pharmaceutical and therefore much more fun. She recommended that I get B-complex shots from a guy she knew named Doug.

You take your mentoring where you can find it, even if it is not being offered to you. Have you ever used your neighbor’s Wi-Fi when it wasn’t on a password? If you have the opportunity to observe someone at work, you are getting mentoring out of them even if they are unaware or resistant. Make a list of the people you think would make the greatest mentors and try to get close enough to steal their Wi-Fi.

Throwing a tantrum feels good because you think you are ruining everyone’s good time when you feel your very worst. But the truth is, you’re not ruining their good time, you’re just giving them another good story.

Then my mom said something to me, slowly and carefully, like she always did to make sure I was really listening: “They gave you that trophy so you wouldn’t feel bad, not because you deserved it. You should know the difference.”

I have never, ever, ever met a highly confident and successful person who is not what a movie would call a “workaholic.” We can’t have it both ways, and children should know that. Because confidence is like respect; you have to earn it.

People’s reaction to me is sometimes “Uch, I just don’t like her. I hate how she thinks she is so great.” But it’s not that I think I’m so great. I just don’t hate myself. I do idiotic things all the time and I say crazy stuff I regret, but I don’t let everything traumatize me. And the scary thing I have noticed is that some people really feel uncomfortable around women who don’t hate themselves. So that’s why you need to be a little bit brave.