Inseparable

by Siobhan Davis

Life is just a flow of interconnecting moments in time. A combination of well-thought-out actions and spontaneous reactions. A sequence of events and people moving in and out of your personal stratosphere.

it had always been the three of us. Best friends to the end. The awesome-threesome. Forever infinity. It was a friendship more akin to family. A meeting of minds and hearts and promises.

Would things have been different? What would I change? Would I have had the strength to stay away from my two best friends? To forge a completely different path in life? To deny something that was intrinsically a part of myself? Could I slice my heart apart knowing it was the right thing to do?

I carry it with me like a thundercloud, hovering and threatening but never opening up, never letting the storm loose.

Some truths are far too painful to acknowledge out loud.

What good comes from continually looking back? From locking myself in the haunted mansion of my past?

“Is that supposed to make me feel special?” I blurt. “You are special, and you know it.”

“I’m always here for you. Always. You never have to doubt that.”

Family comes in all shapes and sizes these days.

What I failed to understand then was there is no such thing as permanent. Everything can change in a heartbeat. The only thing that is guaranteed is in the moment.

“You’re the most important person in my world. For all time. Even when you think you aren’t, know that you are. Even when I can’t show you or say all I want to say, know that you are. Even if I leave, I’m still with you, in here.”

“Like you’re in here.” He pats my hand, the one still being held protectively against his chest. “You’ll always be in here,” he whispers.

“I’m not strong enough tonight,” he whispers. “Not when I need you. And I need you so bad, Ange. I can’t deny this any longer, even though I should.”

“Well, let me make this clear for you then,” he grits out, his own anger surfacing. “You and I will never be anything more than friends. I don’t regret what happened between us even though it shouldn’t have happened, but we will never do anything like that again, and we sure as hell won’t be having sex. Does that spell it out for you?”

“I guess I should thank you. You’ve done me a massive favor. I am not going to waste a single second more thinking about you, and, as for being friends, friends don’t treat other friends like this.” My eyes fall to the tattoo on my wrist. “The friend who went with me to get this”—I circle the infinity symbol—“would never have treated me so horribly, but I guess you wouldn’t know that because you’re no longer the same person. You’re no longer someone I can call a friend.”

“Know me as in the biblical sense?” He smirks. “No…you’re right. You don’t know me in that way, and you never will. Girls like you don’t know how to please guys like me. Unlike”—he frowns, pausing for a second as he drunkenly stares at Becky—“uh, Becky here.” She shoots him a withering look as he slings his arm around her neck, smacking a loud kiss off her cheek. “Becky knows how to fuck like a porn star, and I don’t get any of the grief. You, on the other hand, are all about feelings and hearts and love and shit. Kill me fucking now. Couldn’t you just be happy with the orgasm I gave you? Nah, you had to whine and moan and beg for more.”

“I don’t want to love him if that counts for anything.” Truth.

“There is nothing left to be said. I don’t want to see you anymore. From now on, you are dead to me.”

I lashed out at the one person who has always been my savior. My guardian angel. My greatest defender. My staunchest supporter.

I’ve ruined us. I always knew this was coming.

I deserve to lose her love and respect. To lose their friendship. I deserve it all.

time is a great healer, and when you reach your lowest point, you find inner strength you never realized you had. The best piece of advice I can give you is not to make any rash decisions. Let things settle before deciding what to do. Right now, you’re hurting, and understandably so, but things might look different in a few days or a few weeks. Don’t cut Devin out of your life until you’re sure it’s what you want to do, but if it is, then I’ll support your decision. I care about both those boys, and Lucas too, but you’re my daughter, and you’ll always come first.”

“What the hell do you want me to say, Lucas? Did I love him? Yes,” I hiss, blood flowing angrily through my veins. “I loved him, and he rejected me and humiliated me and threw our entire history in my face, and it fucking killed me. You have no idea how much he hurt me, and not just because of Becky. Imagine you had to watch the boy you love screw his way around town while barely giving you the time of day. Imagine you had to watch while he got into fights, got high and drunk, barely even knowing his own name. Imagine how many nights you stayed up sick with worry in case he drove his truck into a ditch. Then imagine you go to school and you have to listen to every skank relay in minute detail what he’s like in bed knowing you’ll never get to experience it because he just doesn’t think of you like that! That’s what I’ve had to endure, and I can’t take it anymore.”

“I miss you so much, Ange. I can’t bear this. Please, please give me another chance. I’m begging you. I’ll do whatever you want me to do, but please don’t shut me out.”

I’m still attracted to him, still in love with him—I think I always will be.

“You’re the most important person in my world, Ange. For all time. Even when you think you aren’t, know that you are. Even when I can’t show you or say all I want to say, know that you are. Even if I leave, I’m still with you. I’m a part of you, just like you’re a part of me, and you’ll always be in my heart. Never forget. You promised.”

“Then I guess you know nothing, because I mean every word that comes out of my mouth. You disgust me. You make me sick, and, quite frankly, Becky is welcome to you. You two deserve each other.”

“I don’t want it. I want no reminder of you. I’m going to remove every trace of your existence until you are nothing but a figment of my rotten imagination.”

“but a healthy dose of cynicism does no harm. Being too trusting is a flaw. Trust has to be earned, and that’s not going to happen at a mass event where everyone has paid twenty bucks a ticket.”

No one can predict the future, because the choices you make, and the choices others make that impact you, can set you on a completely different path at any time, without any prior notice. And if that’s the case, then what’s the point in knowing what lies ahead? Because that version of the future can always change.

“Your grandpa’s telling me you’re troubled. You’re afraid to take the right path, and he’s worried about you.” Ayden’s face pales, and he goes really still. “Ron says it’s okay to be yourself and to make your own choices in life. Go for it. The people who love you will understand.” The medium’s eyes fall to me, and he smiles, before moving on to the next person.

I want to be with someone who sees me as their everything. Someone who respects me and treats me right.

I meant what I just said to myself. Devin has treated me poorly for the last time. He’s not going to ruin this for me. I won’t let him.

I believe the heart has huge capacity for love, and the inner workings of a woman’s heart is a beautiful, precious, complex thing. Look how easy it is to love a sibling, a parent, and a lover at the same time in different ways? Who says you can’t have romantic feelings for more than one person at a time? And if you do, who is to say it’s wrong? All you should worry about is being true to yourself and treating those you love right.”

“I’ve missed you, baby doll,” Devin admits, his voice choked. “I’ve missed you so fucking much.”

“And I could never forget you, Devin. No matter what, you’ll always be a part of me.”

“I wanted you,” he whispers over my mouth. “I wanted to make love to you. I wanted to be your first, and I’ve kicked myself so many times for walking away, yet I can’t regret it either, because you deserved better than that version of me.”

“There is nowhere in the entire galaxy I’d rather be in this moment than here with you.” “Ditto. You’ll always be one of my all-time favorite people, Dev.”

“I can’t bring myself to regret it. Not when I’ve spent months, hell, years wanting to kiss you like that.”

“I’m going to fight him for you this time. He knows how I feel about you, and he didn’t hold back in taking what was mine.” He climbs to his feet. “I know you want to talk to him properly, and I can respect that. If you don’t want me to kiss you again, I won’t. But when he’s back, when it’s an even playing field, I’m going to fight with everything I’ve got. You belong with me. You always have, and I’m not giving up this time.”

Have you ever wished for something so badly, and then, when your wish has been granted, been absolutely terrified to embrace it? Like, it was okay when it was an abstract desire. When you were free to imagine it panning out the way you wanted it to in your own head, because there was no way in hell it would ever come true. But when it’s right there in front of you for the taking, all your bravado, and all your longing, transforms to anxiety. Because it was imaginary up to this point, and the reality is scary, even if it’s still something you want so badly.

“You are all I’ve ever seen.” He lightly touches my cheek. “Trust me. And I wanted to tell you when we were younger, but I was too much of a pussy. Then stuff turned to crap after Mom left, and I was broken, too broken to drag you into my mess, but I never stopped loving you. Not once. I’ve loved you forever, Ange. It’s always been you. Only you.” He smooths my tears away with the pad of his thumb. “And I didn’t realize you felt the same way until it was too late.”

“Love you, baby doll,” he whispers in my ear, and I pull his arms more tightly around my waist. “You’re mine. Now and forever, Ange. All mine.”

He’s mine. I’m his. Now we’ve finally found our way to one another, I’m not letting him go. He’s mine for eternity.

I’m here, but not here. Alive, but not alive. Breathing, but only barely.

“He found me and Devin in bed together, and it broke his heart. I’m the trigger. I’m the reason Ayden snapped. I’m the reason he’s dead.”

“We can’t be together anymore. We’re done, and you have to stop coming over here.”

“If you love me, really love me, you’ll do this for me. You’ll leave me because it’s what I want.”

“Loving you means I stick by your side even when we’ve both hit our lowest points. Loving you means I understand that you need time to come to terms with this and being selfless enough to give it to you.” He kisses me softly. “I’m leaving now, but it’s not goodbye. This is me giving you your space.” He stops in the doorway. “Take as much time as you need. I’m going nowhere.”

“You know what they say—beauty is only skin deep. I’m completely ugly on the inside.”