Happiness Is a Choice You Make: Lessons from a Year Among the Oldest Old

by John Leland

Caring is mutual; caregiving can be all one way, a drain on both parties. But acknowledging the underlying dynamic can take away its sting.

Over the year, I began to see my mother less as a project—one at which I would ultimately fail—and more as a pleasant dinner companion, someone who had seen the world and had thoughts about it. This she could still give.

Instead of fighting for my way at work, I thanked my editors for making my writing better; I asked advice instead of feeling I should know all the answers. I called my mother more often, also my son, with questions rather than answers.

Life was short; find the people who really matter, and the relationships that allow you to thrive.

Becca R. Levy, a psychiatrist at Yale, has found striking correlations between people’s attitudes toward old age and how they fare in their later years, with effects starting as early as middle age. In one study, those who had more positive views of old age, measured by how they answered the question, “When you think of old persons, what are the first five words or phrases that come to mind?” were 44 percent more likely to recover from a disability than those with negative age stereotypes.

has a name for the life force that keeps people like Jonas going: purpose.

This suggests that having a purpose doesn’t protect you from forming the plaques and tangles that define Alzheimer’s, but it seems to prevent or delay the effects.

sit down and say ‘What do I want my life to look like at the end of the day?’” she said. “‘What do I want my mark to be?’ If we can move that needle, we believe that can have major public health benefits.”

The challenge, then, is to find a purpose in life that will sustain you through the latter years. Kickboxing might not be a great choice, but painting, political activity, time with family, or passing along your skills to the next generation can be a reason for living at any age. Practice law, feed the hungry, teach piano, harass your congressman, tell your story. It’s your purpose in life: make it a passion, not a hobby.

They were the flip side of his purpose in life—a reason not to push too hard or worry about whether he was making headway.

They eat too much, they drink too much, they do everything too much. Whatever I do is just what’s needed, normal.

So often we measure the day by what we do with it—cure cancer or surf in Maui or meet with our child’s math teacher—and overlook what is truly miraculous, which is the arrival of another day. Enjoy it or not. The day doesn’t care, but if you miss it, it won’t be back again.

Gratitude, purpose, camaraderie, love, family, usefulness, art, pleasure—all these are within my grasp, requiring of me only that I receive them.

since he didn’t pack an umbrella, he probably got rained on more than his share. But he didn’t get paralyzed by things that hadn’t happened yet, and he learned by necessity how much he could accomplish even when it was raining.

happiness means seeing the good even in your losses.

The good things in life—happiness, purpose, contentment, companionship, beauty, and love—have been there all along. We don’t need to earn them. Good food, friends, art, warmth, worth—these are the things we have already. We just need to choose them as our lives.