Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

by Christopher Moore

All books reveal perfection, by what they are or what they are not.

God is a comedian playing to an audience that is afraid to laugh. VOLTAIRE

“You see, my plan is working. For it is written that ‘if the wise man always appears stupid, his failures do not disappoint, and his success gives pleasant surprise.’”

Mankind, I suppose, is designed to run on—to be motivated by—temptation. If progress is a virtue then this is our greatest gift. (For what is curiosity if not intellectual temptation? And what progress is there without curiosity?)

Balthasar’s concubines were eight in number and their names were: Tiny Feet of the Divine Dance of Joyous Orgasm, Beautiful Gate of Heavenly Moisture Number Six, Temptress of the Golden Light of the Harvest Moon, Delicate Personage of Two Fu Dogs Wrestling Under a Blanket, Feminine Keeper of the Three Tunnels of Excessive Friendliness, Silken Pillows of the Heavenly Softness of Clouds, Pea Pods in Duck Sauce with Crispy Noodle, and Sue.

Their full names were somewhat ungainly, and to try to pronounce them in Chinese produced a sound akin to throwing a bag of silverware down a flight of steps (ting, tong, yang, wing, etc.) so Joshua and I called the girls as follows: Joy, Number Six, Two Fu Dogs, Moon, Tunnels, Pillows, Pea Pods, and, of course, Sue, which we couldn’t figure out how to shorten.

“The three jewels of the Tao: compassion, moderation, and humility. Balthasar said compassion leads to courage, moderation leads to generosity, and humility leads to leadership.”

I think I know what song I’d be singing: Oh, I would while away the hours, Wanking in the flowers, my heart all full of song, I’d be gilding all the lilies as I waved about my willie If I only had a schlong.

It’s hard for me, a Jew, to stay in the moment. Without the past, where is the guilt? And without the future, where is the dread? And without guilt and dread, who am I?

He called this discipline kung fu, which translates, “method by which short bald guys may kick the bejeezus out of you.”

All fear comes from trying to see the future, Biff. If you know what is coming, you aren’t afraid.”

Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell. That was his gift.”

“What’s a jelly donut?” Joshua asked. “I don’t know. It’s a Vedic term lost to antiquity, but it is said to have had great significance to the keepers of the law.” “Oh.”

Faith isn’t an act of intelligence, it’s an act of imagination.

Nobody’s perfect…. Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him. ANONYMOUS