Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

by Christopher Moore

At the river’s edge (no more than a creek, really) we saw a boy about our age, with wild hair and wilder eyes, standing waist-deep in the water. He was holding something under the water and shouting at the top of his lungs. “You must repent and atone, atone and repent! Your sins have made you unclean. I cleanse you of the evil that you carry like your wallet.” “That’s my cousin, John,” Joshua said. Trailing out of the water on either side of John stood our brothers and sisters, still tied together, but the missing link in the string of siblings was my brother Shem, who had been replaced by a lot of thrashing and bubbling muddy water in front of John. Onlookers were cheering on the Baptist, who was having a little trouble keeping Shem under water. “I think he’s drowning Shem.” “Baptizing,” Joshua said. “My mother will be happy that Shem’s sins have been cleansed, but I have to think we’re going to be in a lot of trouble if he drowns in the process.” “Good point,” Josh said. He stepped into the water. “John! Stop that!” John looked at him and seemed a little perplexed. “Cousin Joshua?” “Yes. John, let him up.”