The Courage to Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness

by Ichiro Kishimi

But it isn’t that you dislike Mr A because you can’t forgive his flaws. You had the goal of taking a dislike to Mr A beforehand, and then started looking for the flaws to satisfy that goal. YOUTH: That’s ridiculous! Why would I do that? PHILOSOPHER: So that you could avoid an interpersonal relationship with Mr A. YOUTH: No way, that’s completely out of the question. It’s obvious that the order of things is backwards. He did something I didn’t like, that’s why. If he hadn’t, I’d have no reason for taking a dislike to him. PHILOSOPHER: No, you are wrong. It’s easy to see if you think back on the example of separating from a person whom one has been in a love relationship with. In relationships between lovers or married couples, there are times when, after a certain point, one becomes exasperated with everything one’s partner says or does. For instance, she doesn’t care for the way he eats; his slovenly appearance at home fills her with revulsion, and even his snoring sets her off. Even though until a few months ago, none of it had ever bothered her before. YOUTH: Yes, that sounds familiar. PHILOSOPHER: The person feels this way because at some stage she has resolved to herself, I want to end this relationship, and she has been looking around for the material with which to end it. The other person hasn’t changed at all. It is her own goal that has changed.