The Body Is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love

by Sonya Renee Taylor

I needed to know the bounds of this unmapped universe where all of us could live in our bodies like we knew we were already okay.

A particularly strategic maneuver is to decide that if we don’t understand something it must be wrong. After all, wrong is simpler than not knowing. Wrong means I am not stupid or failing.

When we liberate ourselves from the expectation that we must have all things figured out, we enter a sanctuary of empathy. Being uncertain, lacking information or simply not knowing something ought not be an indictment against our intelligence or value.

Genuine acceptance invites reality without resistance. Wrong and right are statements of resistance and are useless

Avoid meta-shame, which is shame for having so much shame. Take a deep breath of kindness for yourself and your history of body shame/shaming. We can only do what we know. As famed poet Maya Angelou says, “When we know better, we do better.” We can do better by giving ourselves more love.

I am a loud proponent of being unapologetically adorned.

To be fear-facing is to learn the distinction between fear and danger. It is to look directly at the source of the fear and assess if we are truly in peril or if we are simply afraid of the unknown.

Being intimately connected to our thoughts is not enough to change our behaviors. Knowing why we do something will not necessarily keep us from doing it. Doing is a choice. It is an act of will. Doing often demands that we act despite our thoughts. When we are no longer on autopilot, we are forced to deal with the discomfort of new action.

We no longer must be bound by crappy stories. Humans made them up. You are human. Make a better story.

We do not get to say, “Oh well, racism/sexism/ weight stigma/ageism/homophobia/transphobia/ etc. is just so big. Boy, I sure hope ‘they’ figure it out.” Systems do not maintain themselves; even our lack of intervention is an act of maintenance. Every structure in every society is upheld by the active and passive assistance of other human beings.

Each of us is responsible for a sphere of influence.

Being a victim of oppression in the United States is not enough to make you revolutionary, just as dropping out of your mother’s womb is not enough to make you human. People who are full of hate and anger against their oppressors or who only see Us versus Them can make a rebellion but not a revolution.… Therefore, any group that achieves power, no matter how oppressed, is not going to act differently from their oppressors as long as they have not confronted the values that they have internalized and consciously adopted different values.3

Acknowledge intent while addressing impact. It is possible to be well-meaning and still cause harm. No matter our intention, we practice accountability when we are willing to acknowledge the impact of our words and actions on others. Likewise, people’s words and behaviors may have an impact on us, but they are rarely actually about us. The way we respond to situations is most often a reflection of our own journey. Refraining from personalization makes accepting discomfort easier.

Do what you need to do to navigate your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Step away from conversations when needed. Focus on yourself, and come back when you are recentered.

Radical self-love summons us to be our most expansive selves, knowing that the more unflinchingly powerful we allow ourselves to be, the more unflinchingly powerful others feel capable of being.

Radical self-love asks us to try on new ways of thinking and doing that give us access to new ways of being. Trying on a new framework is like trying on a new coat. It may or may not fit. The coat isn’t wrong for not fitting. You are not wrong for not fitting in the coat. It just doesn’t fit. Far too many of us have been walking around the world wearing our “my body is the enemy” coat, wondering why we feel trapped and miserable. We tried on a thinking that doesn’t fit our pursuit of radical self-love.

Humans aren’t laundry! Stop trying to compartmentalize and sort yourself out. Messy does not always mean dirty. Sometimes it just means complicated, and complicated can be beautiful! Ask yourself, “How might I approach life differently if I had compassion for my beautiful mess?”

“Liberation is the opportunity for every human, no matter their body, to have unobstructed access to their highest self; for every human to live in radical self-love.”