All the Little Lights

by Jamie McGuire

He’s trying, Elliott.” “It’s not hard not to put your hands on a girl. If you can’t, then just stay away. Tell him that.”

a trait my dad said would result in my fate being shared with the unfortunate feline whose story he told as a cautionary tale. Curiosity pushed me forward,

“Catherine.” My name sounded like a soft laugh tumbling from his mouth. “They’re jealous of you.” I frowned and shook my head. “What could they possibly be jealous of me for? We barely have two pennies to rub together.” “Have you seen yourself?” he asked. I blushed and looked down. Only Dad had ever complimented my looks. “You’re all the things they’re not.”

“That you either get good at rising above and meeting ignorance with education, or you get really good at being bitter.”

“Stop,” Elliott said. “Stop what?” I asked, the cool orangey-goodness melting on my tongue. “Looking at them like you wish you were sitting over there. You’re better than that.” I smirked, amused. “You think I don’t know that?” He swallowed whatever he was about to say next.

“You know why you’ll never outgrow the need to make others feel like shit so you can feel better, Presley?” She narrowed her eyes at him, watching him like a snake ready to strike. Elliott continued, “Because it’s a temporary high. It never lasts, and you’ll never stop because it’s the only happiness you’ll ever have

Your friends? They don’t like you. No one ever will because you don’t like yourself.

“Mister, uh . . .” “Calhoun,” Dad said, gripping Elliott’s hand to give it a firm shake. He turned to me. “I thought you said you met him last night?” He looked to Elliott. “You didn’t even get her last name?” Elliott smiled, looking sheepish. “I might be a little nervous to meet you.” Dad’s eyes softened,

but Elliott had a lot of layers, and I only had a few weeks of summer break to peel them.

She didn’t take my hand, so I hid my fist in my pocket, trying not to die of embarrassment.

I wasn’t allowed to leave the house. The only way to blow off steam was to lift until my muscles shook from exhaustion.

chest heaving as my lungs begged for air, arms trembling, knuckles grazing the cement floor. Tears burned my eyes, making the anger that much harder to conquer. Keeping emotion out of the plan to find my way back to the girl I loved was going to be as impossible as getting back to Oak Creek.

“What are the rest of your classes? Maybe we have more together.” “We don’t.” “How do you know?” he asked. “Wishful thinking.”

I think you should stay away from him.” I sighed. “You’re probably right.” “I mean, all you really know about him is that he likes cameras and leaving.” I swallowed. “He use to like me.”

you’ve decided you can have friends after all?” I smiled at her. “I have you.” She mirrored my expression. “Yes, you do. So you don’t need Elliott.”

It’s weird.” “Since when did you stop liking weird?” “Since my life became its definition.”

“Yes, and he can stay gone. That’s one more complication I don’t need.” “For sure. Tell him you love him and start naming your future babies. Seriously. He’ll run.”

“For a girl,” I said, proud. My teammates laughed. “Shut the hell up, Youngblood, you’re full of shit,” Connor said. When I didn’t waver, his eyes grew wide. “Wait. You’re serious? Which one?” “Catherine Calhoun,” I said. Scotty wrinkled his nose. “Catherine? What the fuck, dude?” “She is kinda hot,” Connor said. I glowered at him, and he backed away. “It was a compliment.”

Catherine . . . you could get a scholarship, maybe even go pro. You should steer clear of her.” “Say that again,” I said, taking a step toward him. Scotty leaned back. “Okay, man. I’m just trying to warn ya.”

I realized my shoulders were tense, and I let them relax. Because of my size, I had to pay more attention to my body language. I’d gotten in too many fights the past two years because it looked like I was threatening someone,

“I was thinking about coming down to see your first game, but gas is way up. If you could spot me the gas money . . .” “I don’t have any,” I lied. “What do you mean?” he asked, annoyed. “I know you have money saved up from three summers ago.” “The Chrysler broke down. I had to pay to fix it.” “You couldn’t do it yourself?” I clenched my teeth. “I don’t have any money, Dad.” He sighed. “Guess I won’t be making it to your first game.” I’ll survive somehow. “I’m sorry to hear that.” “Damn it, Elliott! That’s just lazy!

Whatever she was keeping from me was scaring her, and she’d been left alone to fend for herself too long. I wanted to protect her, but I wasn’t sure from what.

I chuckled. “We’re already sharing a brain. We’re meant to be.”

“Nothing will happen to you. You’re like . . . invincible.” I sat a little taller, felt a little stronger, just knowing she felt that way about me. “You think?” She nodded. “Good, then your driving can’t kill me.”

in front of you today.” “I don’t care.” He frowned. “Don’t say that.” “What should I say?” “That you care.”

“She’s being weird. Weirder than usual. She’s in a really, really good mood and has been for a while, but she said the Juniper is full.” “What does that mean?” “It means I should get home early . . . just in case.” “In case of what?” I looked at him, wishing I could tell him the truth, and then settling for a version of it. “I don’t know. It’s never happened before.”

“It was your idea to let him finish high school here,” Leigh said. “It was his idea,” Kay said. She looked at me, unimpressed. “I wonder why.” “Elliott said to be nice,” Leigh warned. “He also said she’s an Aquarius,” Kay said, smug. Leigh shook her head and laughed once. “Lord, not that again. You tried that with John and me, remember?” “You’re both on the cusp,” Kay said. She forced a smile

Elliott turned around, but I caught the trademark wide grin on his face. Kay looked to Leigh. “He loves her?” Leigh patted her arm again. “Don’t pretend you didn’t know.”

“It’s not about the bed and breakfast. Don’t you see? It’s what we’re trying to do here! We’re being watched, Catherine. I think . . . I think it’s . . .” “Who?” “I think it’s your father.”

Madison turned to glance at Elliott. I couldn’t see his face, but gauging by Madison’s response, he wasn’t happy. “Shut your whore mouth!” she yelled. The words didn’t match her high-pitched, sweet voice. Elliott and Sam burst into laughter. My mouth fell open, just like Presley’s and her friends’. Madison pressed the button again. The passenger-side window finished its rise to the top as she began to speak. “Ugh. Ignore them. Tatum likes Elliott, so they’re on a mission to make you miserable.”

“You don’t like going to my games?” he asked, surprised. My shoulders sagged. The expression on his face made me feel ashamed. “Of course I do. I just think . . . maybe we’re different.” “Whoa, whoa, whoa . . . let me stop you right there. I don’t like where this is going.” Elliott’s expression tightened, a deep line forming between his brows. His hands were shaking, his mouth twitching.

“Oh, hell,” I said, touching my forehead. “This Friday is November sixteenth.” “Yeah?” Madison said, batting her long lashes. I covered my eyes with my hand and groaned. “It’s also Elliott’s birthday. I’m awful. No wonder he was so hurt.” “You’re right! You have to go. You have to.” I nodded.

“You’re in the wrong seat,” Minka barked. Madison looked up, instantly annoyed. “Are you a toddler? You can’t wait five seconds while I finish my conversation with my friend?” Minka’s eyes targeted me. “Your friend?” she said, unconvinced. Madison stood up, meeting Minka’s gaze. “What of it?” Minka sat, giving me one last glance before cowering in her seat.

“So you’re going.” “It’s your birthday. I’m going.” A wide grin stretched across my face. “You remembered that?” “You’re a Scorpio. I’m an Aquarius. It means we’re terrible for each other. I’m sure I memorized that entire summer, but especially that.” I stared at her in awe, shaking my head and then cupping her face,

“You’re not leaving,” she said finally. “We discussed it.” “Who discussed it?” “The guests and me. The other night. We agreed.” “You agreed? Mama,” I pleaded, “what are you talking about? The guests don’t get to decide that for me. You don’t get to decide.” “You’re staying.” “The game is just ninety minutes away,” I begged. “After graduation, I need you here. You can’t go.”

“This is a perfect place for Presley’s surprise. I’m thinking pig’s blood. Hopefully it’s warm.” Madison zipped her coat and narrowed her eyes. “I dare her.” “I don’t,” I said. Madison giggled. “Don’t worry. What could she possibly do?” “I don’t know, and I think that makes me more worried than anything.”

“Aw!” Presley said from a few rows up. “How sweet!” Madison turned around, batting her lashes and smiling. “Eat shit, Presley!” “Madison Saylor!” a blonde woman sitting next to Presley yelled. “Mrs. Brubaker!” Madison said, surprised. A nervous laugh tittered from her mouth. “Good to see you. Maybe your daughter won’t be such a troll while you’re here.” Presley’s mouth fell open,

I’ve just never had a friend to defend. Isn’t that what friends do?” I nudged her with my shoulder. “You’re a really good friend.” She looked at me, beaming. “I am?” I nodded. She held up her phone, the display alerting her to a text from her dad. “Worth it,” she said, putting her phone down without reading the message.

“Don’t Native Americans get to go to college for free?” Elliott chuckled. “No.” “Oh my God. Was that offensive? I’m so sorry,” Madison said. “Common misconception.” He looked at me with a smile. “With a scholarship, though, looks like we might be picking a college soon.”

“They tried stirring up trouble with Sam and Maddy.” “Huh?” Sam said, confused. “Me? What’d I do?” “Nothing,” Madison said, kissing his cheek. “What did they say?” he asked. “It doesn’t matter,” Madison said. “I don’t believe it.” “Now you have to tell me,” Sam said, a frown on his face. She shifted her weight, fidgeting. “That you’re cheating on me with Anna Sue.” Sam and Elliott bent over, their entire bodies shaking with laughter. “So that’s a no,” I said, amused. When they finally settled down, Sam looked disgusted. “They’d better not be spreading that around school. Gross.”

until she finally settled against Madison’s shoulder. I felt half-frustrated, half-cheated. Catherine would have been much more comfortable sleeping on my shoulder. “Hey,” Sam said, nudging my elbow. “You finished staring at her yet?”

It’s not more important to me than Catherine.” “Is there anything that is? Football?” “No.” “Your camera?” “Nope.” “What about food?” I chuckled. “If I had to choose, I’d starve.”

“What’s the point in going to a party if I wouldn’t have fun without her there?” I asked.

“When you’re lonely,” he read. “When you’re having a bad day,” he said, flipping to the next one. “When you miss me. When we’re fighting. When we just finished a great day. If we break up.” His head popped up, and he frowned. “I’m tearing this one up.” “Please don’t! It’s four pages long.” He looked down at the envelopes again. “For now.” He opened the envelope and unfolded the notebook paper, reading over my words.

“I miss the lights on the street. Seems like more go out every year,” Elliott said. “Me too. But it makes the stars easier to see.” He smiled. “Always looking on the bright side.”

He took a few steps, his entire body reacting when I parted my lips and searched his mouth with my tongue. When I leaned back, Elliott went with me, catching both of us with one hand on the mattress. His chest pressed against mine, and I reached down to lift the bottom hem of his shirt.

“You smell good,” I said, hugging him again. Body wash and mint surrounded me when he locked his arms at the small of my back. His hair was still damp and fell all around me when he bent down to kiss my lips. He took my hand and headed for the stairs but then stopped and kissed me again.

“It took me six summers to get up the nerve to talk to you. Two more summers to get back to you. No more, okay? I’m done missing summers with you.” I smiled. “What?” he asked. “I like that you end your sentences in periods now.”

“I’m not fighting you, Cruz. You’re drunk.” Cruz laughed. “Oh, you can insult my girlfriend, but you’re not going to fight me? You might be big, but you’re slow.” Sam smiled. “You haven’t been to any of our games this year, have you, Cruz?”

Catherine is just using you.” I made a face. “For what?” “For a while, like she does everyone else.” “Everyone else,” I said. “Her dad died, Minka. They started a new company. And you feel snubbed? It’s a good thing she doesn’t have you as a friend anymore. Talk about selfish . . .” “Catherine’s a great friend to Maddy,” Sam said. “Maybe she just got tired of your annoying chipmunk voice. I know I would.” Minka’s mouth fell open,