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we should either be compassionate and educate or leave them alone in their ignorance.
“You know why you’ll never outgrow the need to make others feel like shit so you can feel better, Presley?” She narrowed her eyes at him, watching him like a snake ready to strike. Elliott continued, “Because it’s a temporary high. It never lasts, and you’ll never stop because it’s the only happiness you’ll ever have in your sad, pathetic life that revolves around manicures and highlighting your hair. Your friends? They don’t like you. No one ever will because you don’t like yourself. So every time you give Catherine a hard time, she’ll know. She’ll know why you’re doing it, just like your
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On our quiet side of town, walking along the last road within city limits, the world as Elliott and I knew it was ending, even if we hadn’t quite realized it yet.
When we arrived at my gate, my island was dark and quiet. I wished for that warm yellow glow from the windows in the surrounding homes, the flicker from a television screen.
but my room was my own space, a place where the darkness couldn’t reach.
He was different—more than just odd—but he had found me. And for the moment, I liked not feeling lost.
“No, it’s just . . . that’s like the setting sun wishing it wasn’t so beautiful.”
He’s a friend from school. One of two.
One corner of Elliott’s mouth turned up. “One of three.”
He looked older, feebler. No daughter wants to see her dad as anything but invincible.
“I won’t tell a soul.” “I know,” he said, pushing off with his feet. “That’s what I like about you.”
“Did you tell anyone about my uncle losing his job?” “Of course not.” “That.” He leaned back, cradling his head in his hands. “You can keep a secret.”
Her calling for me with her tiny, nervous voice made something inside of me click. I only wanted her to feel safe with me.
“It’ll be over soon,” I said, holding her. I’d never been so thankful for a storm in my life.
She smelled like shampoo and sweat. Clean sweat. It was currently my favorite smell in the world.
You’re packing a bag after graduation, anyway. Why not just come with me?”
“You’re asking me again?” “As many times as it takes.”
It was so fast, I didn’t even have time to enjoy it before it was over, but it didn’t matter. I could have climbed a mountain, run around the world, and swum the ocean in that moment, because if Catherine Calhoun could decide she wanted to kiss me, anything was possible.
“You have to promise you’ll come back.” “I promise. It might not be until next summer, but I’ll come back.”
“I’m going to miss you.” “I’m going to miss you, too. But . . . not for long. Because you’ll be back.” “I will. That’s a promise.”
I looked around for Elliott, but he was gone.
“You can’t save everyone.” I looked at her from under my brows, keeping my anger on a tight leash. “I just want to save her.”
Keeping emotion out of the plan to find my way back to the girl I loved was going to be as impossible as getting back to Oak Creek.
Falling is easy. The hard part is getting back up.
There was no point in crying. No one would hear me.
“He wasn’t. But she loved him even more than she loved her dream.”
“She wanted to be royalty, and bestowing a name—a title—on another human being was the closest she would ever get. Catherine sounded like a princess to her.”
“Catherine, wait,” he pleaded. “I have been,” I snapped.
Maybe Elliott would make it easier to hate him. While I drifted off to sleep, I hoped that he would. Hate made loneliness easier.
Mostly I hated him for leaving me alone to find out Dad had died. I had given him my entire summer—my last summer with Dad—and I’d needed him, and he’d just left me there.
She was full of happiness, and it had begun to seep out of her skin and eyes and pour out all over the floor, practically leaving a trail of rose-scented rainbows everywhere she walked.
He’d had a car for almost two years. There was no question now. He’d broken his promise.
“I needed him,” I said. “He left when I needed him, and now that I don’t, he shows up. He’s too late.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t want to leave you here like that. I didn’t want to leave you at all.”
“Leave me alone.” “Look around. You’re already alone.”
The important things are to be safe, happy, and healthy, and so many times those things are synonymous.
I always missed him, but it didn’t hurt until it did, and then realization and sadness crashed over me in waves.
“I’m really okay. Some days are just harder than others.” Elliott reached for my hand, sliding his fingers between mine. “I have bad days, too, Catherine. But I don’t run out of my house because I’m afraid of what’s inside.”
You are in control of your emotions. You’re in control of your reaction. You can, at any time, change the way you feel.
“Did you have a job?” “Yes, but they understood that I was a kid. You can’t get these years back, Catherine.”
“Why? Why do you want me to come so badly?” “I just do. I want you to see us win. I want you to be there when I run off the field. I want to see you waiting by my car when I come out, my hair wet, still out of breath, high on adrenaline. I want you to be part of it.”
I glanced around, searching for curious eyes. “Don’t look at them. Look at me,” he said, still extending his hand. I took it,
The Mudcats broke formation and began jogging to the locker room, helmets in hand—all but Elliott. He was looking for someone in the stands. His teammates were encouraging him to follow them off the field, but he ignored them.
I imagined those behind me were wondering what Elliott saw in me that they didn’t. But in the moment that Elliott’s gaze met mine, none of that mattered. We might as well have been sitting on the edge of Deep Creek, picking at the ground and pretending we weren’t desperate to hold hands instead of grass. And in that moment, the pain and anger I’d held on to instead disappeared.
I held him tight, as if letting go would let in all the hurt and darkness surrounding us.
Elliott made me feel safe in a way I hadn’t since the day he’d left, like I wasn’t trying to survive alone.
“I lost the two people I cared about most in the same day. He died, and I was alone. With her . . . and you just left me here to drown. It’s not about trust.” I pressed my lips together. “You broke my heart. Even if we could find our way back to the way it used to be . . . that girl you knew . . . she’s gone.”
“I fell in love with you that summer, Catherine. I’ve loved you ever since.”
“I promise I’ll never leave you like that again. I swear on my life. I’m not fifteen anymore. I make my own choices now, and I hope to God you choose to forgive me. I don’t know what I’ll do if you don’t.”
When things outside were getting better, the inside was getting worse.
