The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever

by Michael Bungay Stanier

To build an effective new habit, you need five essential components: a reason, a trigger, a micro-habit, effective practice, and a plan.

An almost fail-safe way to start a chat that quickly turns into a real conversation is the question, “What’s on your mind?”

Tell less and ask more. Your advice is not as good As you think it is.

When you ask someone, “What do you want?” listen to see if you can guess the need that likely lies behind the person’s request. For example, when someone says, “I want you to talk to the VP for me,” he might really be needing protection (I’m too junior) or participation (I need you to do your part in this project). When someone tells you, “I want to leave early today,” she might really be asking for understanding (it’s difficult at home) or creation (I need to go to my class). When someone says, “I want you to do a new version of the report,” the base need might be freedom (I don’t want to do it), identity (I want you to know I’m the boss here) or subsistence (my success depends on your getting this right.)

When you focus on TERA, you’re thinking about how you can influence the environment that drives engagement. T is for tribe. The brain is asking, “Are you with me, or are you against me?” If it believes that you’re on its side, it increases the TERA Quotient. If you’re seen as the opposition, the TERA Quotient goes down. E is for expectation. The brain is figuring out, “Do I know the future or don’t I?” If what’s going to happen next is clear, the situation feels safe. If not, it feels dangerous. R is for rank. It’s a relative thing, and it depends not on your formal title but on how power is being played out in the moment. “Are you more important or less important than I am?” is the question the brain is asking, and if you’ve diminished my status, the situation feels less secure. A is for autonomy. Dan Pink talks about the importance of this in his excellent book Drive. “Do I get a say or don’t I?” That’s the question the brain is asking as it gauges the degree of autonomy you have in any situation. If you believe you do have a choice, then this environment is more likely to be a place of reward and therefore engagement. If you believe you don’t have a choice so much, then it becomes less safe for you.

there’s insight to be gleaned here from a school of therapy known as “solution-based” therapy. They have a go-to question called the miracle question. Several variations exist, but in essence it’s this: “Suppose that tonight, while you’re sleeping, a miracle happens. When you get up in the morning tomorrow, how will you know that things have suddenly got better?” The miracle question helps people to more courageously imagine what better (and much better) really looks like. A 10x improvement, not a 10 percent tweak.

1 The Kickstart Question What’s on your mind? 2 The AWE Question And what else? 3 The Focus Question What’s the real challenge here for you? 4 The Foundation Question What do you want? 5 The Lazy Question How can I help? 6 The Strategic Question If you’re saying Yes to this, what are you saying No to? 7 The Learning Question What was most useful for you?