How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety

by Ellen Hendriksen

Social anxiety makes us masters of ending conversations. It’s easy: a certain tone of finality, saying hi but not stopping to chat, or simply not saying anything more sends the message that we don’t want to talk. Ending conversation is another safety behavior—we’re trying to save ourselves from the anxiety. But we trade the anxiety of the moment for loneliness in the long run.

When you’re first getting started, expect some false starts. We all get a little weird and desperate when we’re lonely. If you’re out of practice, you become less and less confident that you even know how to talk, much less form full sentences to which another human can respond. Worse, we also start interpreting everyone as threatening, every smile as scornful, every interaction as rejecting. But then we make it worse: we act as if the world is against us, a self-fulfilling prophecy called behavioral confirmation. If Maddy expects no one will talk to her, she won’t say hello. If Nora expects the moms to be judgy instead of friendly, she’ll make a beeline for home, not the playground. But don’t base success on the other person’s response. Don’t base success on how nervous you feel. Base success only on what you do. Did you manage to share a little bit of yourself? Great. The first times are the hardest. Try again, and try again soon—not weeks later. Keep the momentum going. It will get easier, I promise.

SHOW THEM THAT YOU LIKE THEM

showing someone that you’re pleased to be around them. At its simplest, showing you like someone is being the first to say hi or lighting up with a smile when they say hi to you. Slightly more advanced is unnecessary conversation.

Next is taking socializing out of the usual context and into another.

So approach. Be the first to say hi. Once your friendship has gelled in the original context, invite them on a hike, to a bookstore reading, to try the new ramen place in town.

Next, be specific. Rather than, “Wanna do something sometime?” try, “The kids have been bugging me about trying that new rock climbing place—are you guys free this weekend?” Or, “Wanna grab coffee on Monday? I’m free after one o’clock.” Specification shows you’re sincere.

Whenever you feel lonesome, make social plans: email a friend to meet up for a movie next weekend or look at the schedule for that bocce-and-beer group you’ve been meaning to join. It won’t make company appear in the moment, but you’ll have created something social to look forward to.

FORGET EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT BEING POPULAR