How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety

by Ellen Hendriksen

So ask yourself what you would be doing if you had faced down your fears and were on the other side. Not How would I feel? but What would I be doing? What would I be doing if I felt confident? For Brandon Stanton, the answer was: If I wasn’t uncomfortable, I’d be asking strangers if I could take their picture. For Albert Ellis, the answer was: If I wasn’t anxious, I’d be chatting with cute girls. For Jia, it was: If I was confident, I’d face rejection, dust myself off, and try again. How about you? Would you say yes to more invitations? Introduce yourself to more people? Show up even though you’re worried about blushing? Whatever your answer, haul out the concrete mixer and make your goals concrete. You’ll know you’re on the right track if you can check off your goal on a list: “Ask the professor a question after class.” Check. “Look at the audience the majority of the time while I give this presentation.” Check. “Call Customer Service without rehearsing what I want to say first.” Check. “Go to Jaime’s party and talk to two people.” Check. Why should your goals be so defined? With a vague, squishy goal like “Be confident,” “Make a good impression,” or “Act normal,” it’s impossible to know if you’ve achieved it. I know I could always be more confident, and my Inner Critic would snort with laughter if I asked it if I made a good impression or acted normal, no matter how things actually went. By contrast, with a concrete goal you’ll know when you’ve accomplished it. You get t...