How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety

by Ellen Hendriksen

Maddy and Nora, respectively, have two problems common in social anxiety: either we feel like we don’t know anyone or we know enough people but don’t feel close to them. Either way, we often think, “What’s wrong with me?” Nothing’s wrong with you, but social anxiety magically confers filters that are getting in your way. Sometimes it’s our presumptions: we unconsciously create too stringent a filter and rule out too many people. It might be demographic: Oh, she’s married/single—that’s not going to work. It might be perception: Oh, she’s so busy—that’s not going to work, or, She probably has a lot of friends already—that’s not going to work. Or we might just have a low tolerance for ambiguity: if she’s not 100 percent unambiguously welcoming, we rule her out—that’s not going to work. Sometimes it’s our expectations. Remember the perfectionism chapter? Those of us prone to social anxiety tend to look for an instant, capital-F Friend. Without even realizing it, we’re looking for a ready-made BFF with whom we feel connected right away. We wish we could walk into an event and walk out arm in arm with a new buddy (or two!).