How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety

by Ellen Hendriksen

Having nothing to say or feeling conspicuous is a problem, to be sure, but it’s not a skills problem; it’s a confidence problem. Interestingly, most people who experience social anxiety actually have excellent social skills, but when we’re feeling inhibited we apply them in a way that keeps us from gaining confidence. We might keep other people talking so we don’t have to talk. We might deftly steer the conversation so we don’t have to talk about ourselves. We ask lots of questions. We act in a way that researchers call innocuously social. We nod a lot. We agree. We tend not to interrupt. We use what linguists have labeled back-channel responses like “uh-huh” or “wow, really?” to show that we’re listening and interested. And you know what? All this requires stellar social skills. We’re masters at reading a group, being agreeable, paying close attention, keeping the peace, and encouraging others to take the lead without their even realizing it.