The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

by William Stixrud

Without a healthy sense of control, kids feel powerless and overwhelmed and will often become passive or resigned. When they are denied the ability to make meaningful choices, they are at high risk of becoming anxious, struggling to manage anger, becoming self-destructive, or self-medicating. Despite the many resources and opportunities their parents offer them, they will often fail to thrive. Without a sense of control, regardless of their background, inner turmoil will take its toll.

We really can’t control our kids—and doing so shouldn’t be our goal. Our role is to teach them to think and act independently, so that they will have the judgment to succeed in school and, most important, in life. Rather than pushing them to do things they resist, we should seek to help them find things they love and develop their inner motivation. Our aim is to move away from a model that depends on parental pressure to one that nurtures a child’s own drive. That is what we mean by the self-driven child.

We hope to convince you that you should think of yourself as a consultant to your kids rather than their boss or manager.

Sonia Lupien at the Centre for Studies on Human Stress has a handy acronym for what makes life stressful—N.U.T.S. NOVELTY Something you have not experienced before UNPREDICTABILITY Something you had no way of knowing would occur THREAT TO THE EGO Your safety or competence as a person is called into question SENSE OF CONTROL You feel you have little or no control over the situation

button!7 It turns out that it’s the sense of control that matters, even more so than what you actually do. If you have confidence that you can impact a situation, it will be less stressful. In contrast, a low sense of control may very well be the most stressful thing in the universe.

Agency may be the one most important factor in human happiness and well-being. We all like to feel that we are in charge of our own destiny.

Our role as adults is not to force them to follow the track we’ve laid out for them; it’s to help them develop the skills to figure out the track that’s right for them. They will need to find their own way—and to make independent course corrections—for the rest of their lives.

The Pilot (The Executive Control System) The executive control system is largely governed by the prefrontal cortex, the seat of planning, organization, impulse control, and judgment. When we are calm, fully rested, and in control—when we are in our right minds—our prefrontal cortex is monitoring, organizing, and regulating much of the brain. In fact, the key variable in determining the extent to which we become stressed by life experiences is how much the prefrontal cortex perceives itself to be in control. The prefrontal cortex has been called “the Goldilocks of the brain,” as it needs a “just right” combination of chemicals—the neurotransmitters dopamine and norepinephrine—to operate effectively.15 It is easily taken off-line by stress. Arousal, mild stress, excitement, or minor pretest jitters can raise the levels of these neurotransmitters, resulting in sharper focus, clearer thinking, and stronger performance. With sleep deprivation or too much stress, however, the prefrontal cortex becomes flooded with dopamine and norepinephrine and is essentially taken off-line. At such times, the brain is simply unable to learn or to think clearly, a point we’ll return to in Chapter Seven. When the prefrontal cortex is off-line, you are more likely to act impulsively and to make dumb decisions.

The Lion Fighter (The Stress Response System) The stress response system takes over when you are confronting a severe threat like a predator, or even imagining a threat. It is designed to keep you safe from impending harm. It is made up of the amygdala, the hypothalamus, the hippocampus, and the pituitary and adrenal glands. The amygdala, a primitive emotional processing center that is acutely sensitive to fear, anger, and anxiety, is a key part of the brain’s threat detection system. It doesn’t think consciously; it senses and reacts. Under high stress, the amygdala is the one in charge. Under the amygdala’s reign, our behavior tends to be defensive, reactive, inflexible, and at times aggressive.16 We’re inclined to fall back on habitual patterns or instinct, as our animal nature prepares us to fight, flee, or freeze like a deer in the headlights. When the amygdala senses a threat, it sends a signal to the hypothalamus and the pituitary gland. Then it’s an agitated game of telephone to wake up the adrenal gland, which secretes adrenaline. Adrenaline is the hormone that allows us to lift a car when our child is trapped underneath it. This complex sequence of alarm notifications occurs faster than conscious thought. When we are under threat, we need a vigorous stress response. Our survival may depend on the speed of our instinctive reaction, and evolution shaped us so that we cannot think clearly under stress. A

When you’re sitting in a waiting room or unwinding after dinner, if you’re not reading, watching television, or on your phone, your default mode network is projecting the future and sorting out the past. It’s processing your life. It activates when we daydream, during certain kinds of meditation, and when we lie in bed before going to sleep. This is the system for self-reflection, and reflection about others, the area of the brain that is highly active when we are not focused on a task. It is the part of us that goes “off-line.” A healthy default mode network is necessary for the human brain to rejuvenate, store information in more permanent locations, gain perspective, process complicated ideas, and be truly creative. It has also been linked in young people to the development of a strong sense of identity and a capacity for empathy.19 Not surprisingly, stress impairs the default mode network’s ability to work its magic. Scientists are concerned that because of technology’s ubiquity, young people have too few opportunities to activate their default mode network and, as a result, too few opportunities for self-reflection.

A healthy default mode network is necessary for the human brain to rejuvenate, store information in more permanent locations, gain perspective, process complicated ideas, and be truly creative. It has also been linked in young people to the development of a strong sense of identity and a capacity for empathy.19 Not surprisingly, stress impairs the default mode network’s ability to work its magic. Scientists are concerned that because of technology’s ubiquity, young people have too few opportunities to activate their default mode network and, as a result, too few opportunities for self-reflection. —

Chronic stress can create a feeling of helplessness. If nothing you do makes things better, why try to do anything at all? This sense of helplessness will leave you feeling that you just can’t accomplish a task, when in reality you could do it very capably.21 Chronic stress leads to behaviors like problems sleeping, binge eating, procrastination, and a lowered willingness to take care of yourself. Dopamine levels fall, as do levels of norepinephrine and serotonin.22 This is how stress can spiral into depression. The kicker here is that a significant amount of this mental and emotional suffering can be prevented. Unlike juvenile diabetes or autism (which are highly heritable), experience plays a major role in anxiety, depression, and addiction. This means that if we change what we’re doing, it should be possible to bring the numbers down.

What to Do Tonight Make a list of the things your child has control over. Is there anything you can add to that list? Ask your child if there are things he feels he’d like to be in charge of that he currently isn’t. Consider your language around making plans. Do you say, “Today we’re going to do this and then this,” or do you offer choices? Tell your kids (if they’re ten or older) something like this: “I just read something really interesting—that there are four things about life that make it stressful: new situations, situations that are unpredictable, situations where you feel you could be hurt, criticized, or embarrassed, and situations where you don’t feel you can control what’s happening. It’s interesting, because in my job I get most stressed when I feel I’m expected to make something happen but I can’t control everything that is necessary to make it happen. Are there things that make you stressed?” By identifying stress in your own life and talking about it, you are modeling stress awareness—a critical step in curbing the effects of stress. As the saying goes, “You’ve got to name it to tame it.” If your kid seems to be really anxious, talk to your pediatrician about it. Determine whether some kind of professional intervention is necessary. Research suggests that treating anxiety early significantly lowers the risk of recurring problems. You can let your worried child know that she’s safe, that you’re there for her, but don’t reassure her excessively. Let her know th...

Yes! Botched tests and missed homework aren’t what we’re going for, of course. But we would all do well to remember the big picture: that we want our kids to be thoughtful learners, and want them to be self-disciplined, not well disciplined.

Assuming authority over your kids’ responsibilities robs you of quality time and takes away home as a safe base.

A mom recently told us she had been bemoaning her latest battle with her teenage son when one of her friends, whose son was in his twenties, told her, “It’s not worth the fight. One of my greatest regrets is that the last few years my son lived at home, we spent most of the time fighting about homework. I wish I could have those days back and jus...

What to Do Tonight Practice asking, “Who is responsible for this?” “Whose problem is it?” Determine if your home is a safe base. Do you fight frequently about food or screen time? What’s the emotional temperature? If you are feeling frustrated with your kid, chances are he is with you as well. Ask him. If a kid hates or resists homework, suggest a homework club at school, find older kids to work with him, or approach your child’s teacher about minimizing mandatory homework. If your child’s strong negative reactions to homework are out of character, have your child evaluated to rule out a problem like a learning disability. Help your child create an effective learning environment and, if necessary, develop her own system of rewards for completing goals. If she does not meet a goal, respond with compassion: “I’m sor...

So what does “It’s your call” mean? Most simply: When it comes to making decisions about your kids’ lives, you should not be deciding things that they are capable of deciding for themselves.

Remember that magic line: “I have confidence in your ability to make informed decisions about your own life and to learn from your mistakes.”

What to Do Tonight Tell your child, “You’re the expert on you. Nobody really knows you better than you know yourself, because nobody really knows what it feels like to be you.” Give your child a choice about something you may have previously decided for her. Or ask her opinion about something. (If they’re young, you can frame it as, “Do you think we should do it this way or that way?”) Have a family meeting where you problem solve together about what chores need to be done and who should do them. Give them options. Could they walk the dog instead of doing the dinner dishes? Take out the trash instead of cleaning the toilet? Do they want to do it each Sunday or each Wednesday? Morning or night? Keep a consistent schedule, but let them choose that schedule. Make a list of things your child would like to be in charge of, and make a plan to shift responsibility for some of these things from you to him or her. Ask your child whether something in his life isn’t working for him (his homework routine, bedtime, management of electronics) and if he has any ideas about how to make it work better. Do a cost-benefit analysis of any decision you make for your child that she sees differently. Tell your child about decisions you’ve made that, in retrospect, were not the best decisions—and how you were able to learn and grow from them. Have a talk in which you point out that your kid has got a good mind. Recall some times when he’s made a good decision or felt strongly about something and ...

When we can be a nonanxious presence for our children, we do a world of good—just by not freaking out. In fact, a recent study showed that other than showing your child love and affection, managing your own stress is the best thing you can do to be an effective parent.

What to Do Tonight Spend private time with your child, ideally without electronics. Take turns with each child if you have more than one, so that the ratio is one-on-one. It is remarkably healing for kids and will help you to enjoy them. It also makes them feel like they are your number one priority. If you’re highly anxious, do something about it. Treating anxiety is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your family. Consider participating in cognitive behavioral therapy: you can learn very effective strategies for identifying and “talking back to” the distorted and unproductive thoughts that contribute to high anxiety. Learn to meditate. Take a yoga class. Be very regular in your exercise routine. Spend time in nature. Get more sleep. Socialize more with friends if it helps you feel calm. Avoid making decisions for your child based on fear. If you find yourself thinking, “I’m afraid if I don’t do this now, then—” stop. Do what you feel is right now, not what you feel you have to because of what you’re afraid will happen if you don’t. If your child is struggling, schedule a short time every day for you to worry about his or her problems. Literally write it into your planner. This will let your brain know that it is safe not to worry all day long. Remember who’s responsible for what. It cannot be your responsibility to see that everything goes well for your children at all times. If you are very worried about your teenager and have talked through the issues to...

Research over the last four decades has repeatedly demonstrated that incentives like sticker charts, consequences, and other forms of parental monitoring that are “laid on” children actually undermine this type of motivation. What we’re trying to do is to help kids to motivate themselves and to realize that they have something important to offer the world. We want to help them learn to run their own lives and seek to make them meaningful.

Rewards can erode self-generated interest and lead to interest only in the reward itself. What’s more, our clever brains see through external motivators; we’ve evolved in such a way as to detect them and to resist attempts to be coerced. We’ll devise ways to get the reward without doing the job or assignment. This is why kids can get As in courses they hardly remember after a few months.

The right mindset Autonomy, competence, and relatedness The optimal level of dopamine Flow

how and where we focus our attention makes a measurable difference in the way in which our brain develops.

When kids work hard at something they love and find challenging, they enter a state of what’s come to be called “flow,” where time passes quickly and their attention is completely engaged, but they’re not stressed. When you’re in flow, levels of certain neurochemicals in your brain—including dopamine—spike.6 These neurochemicals are like performance-enhancing drugs for the brain. You think better in flow, and you process information faster. To be fully engaged this way, the activity has to be challenging enough not to be boring, but not so difficult that it’s overly stressful.

What to Do Tonight Support autonomy, support autonomy, support autonomy. Explore where your child’s true inner motivation lies. You can do this by asking when in life he or she feels “really happy.” Kids with a healthy self-drive will commonly think of times when they perform well in school or in sports, are engaged in pleasurable pastimes, or do something fun with their friends or family. In contrast, kids who are obsessively motivated or have difficulty sustaining motivation and effort will often say that they feel happiest when they have no responsibilities, when nothing is expected of them, and when they feel no pressure. Make a point of speaking with your kids about what it is they want in life. What do they love to do? What do they feel they’re good at? If there’s a reason they’re here, what might that be? Help your child articulate (and write down) goals. We will explore this in more depth in Chapter Ten. For now, simply the act of voicing where she wants to get is a remarkably constructive step. Encourage flow in any activity by giving your kids the space and time they need to do what they love. Teach and model a love of challenge and persistence in the face of difficulty. Attribute positive motivational qualities to young kids (e.g., “I’ve noticed that you don’t give up on things.”). Teach your kids not to be overly preoccupied with pleasing others. If they’re focused on external feedback, consider occasionally saying something like, “Everybody feels good when the...

There are many forms of downtime. Anything that is relaxing or rejuvenating, like gardening or reading, we’re all for. Yet as the pace of life goes faster, we need to radicalize our downtime. Radical downtime does not mean playing video games, watching TV, surfing YouTube videos, texting with a friend, or participating in organized sports or activities. It means doing nothing purposeful, nothing that requires highly focused thought. This is one of the most powerful things we can do for our brains. It is enormously important as an antidote to the mind-scattering and mind-numbing effects of 24/7 technology and multitasking. Radical downtime allows you to process a backlog of stimuli. Think of the many activities, tasks, and interactions of daily life as snowflakes that fall on your brain in quick succession, making big, unruly piles that seem impossible to navigate around. Radical downtime is the snowplow that comes through and evens them out, giving order to your life so that you can ski on a smooth surface and avoid the gulfs and occasional avalanches that may result from snow piling up in uneven ways.

What to Do Tonight Look for opportunities during the day to let your mind wander. This could mean just sitting quietly for a few minutes looking out the window or at the clouds. It could also mean engaging in activities you can largely do “mindlessly” (e.g., mowing the lawn) that enable you to “be with yourself.” Talk as a family about the importance of going off-line and giving yourself truly free time. If they’re open to hearing it, tell your kids that it’s only when they aren’t focused on anything in particular that they can really think about themselves and other people. Also tell them that discoveries and insights will often come when you let your mind wander, and that they need downtime to solidify the things they’re learning in school. Ask your child, “Do you feel you have enough time to yourself, time when you’re not studying, doing sports, texting, or talking to other people? Do you have enough time just to chill?” If your child says no, help him to think through when he might find a few times in his day to sit quietly and let his mind wander. Think out loud with your kids about the challenge of building in enough time for yourself. The next time you’re driving with your child, instead of turning to technology, say, “Do you mind if we take a couple of minutes to just take in the scenery?” Consider learning to meditate yourself. The University of Massachusetts Medical School has a Center for Mindfulness with great resources (umassmed.edu/cfm), as does the Universit...

What we do have evidence of is that technology is changing our brains. The most recently evolved, “plastic” parts of the brain change in direct response to experience. Because of technology, today’s kids have a better memory for visual images and a greater facility for learning how to navigate and decode the digital world by doing it. Digital bombardment has changed the way that children process visual information, and even how they read. Reading used to be linear—there were no distractions, it was just line after line, page after page after page. Now anyone who spends significant time on a computer reads differently. They look for keywords, for links. They skim. Maryanne Wolf, a scientist whose book Proust and the Squid is one of the best books written about reading and the brain, has seen these changed patterns in her own brain. After a day of computer work, she tried to read a lengthy and complicated novel. “I couldn’t force myself to slow down so that I wasn’t skimming, picking out key words, organizing my eye movements to generate the most information at the highest speed,” she said.13 This change of reading style is affecting everyone, but children—who are growing up with iPads instead of books, with Wikipedia instead of the encyclopedia—are most impacted. Research psychologist Larry Rosen and education consultant Ian Jukes have concluded that, due to their exposure to technology, kids’ brains work “completely differently” from their parents’ and from kids’ brains of...

What to Do Tonight Have a family meeting in which you talk about setting up technology-free times or zones. At the very least there should be no cell phones during meals or in the bedroom, but you may also want to carve out more cell-phone-free zones for the family. A friend’s wife says, “No cell phones on the couch. If you are on the couch, talk to me.” Model healthy use of technology. For example, never text while driving. If you need to send a text while you’re in the car, be sure to pull over. If you are on your phone when your child walks into the room, stop and greet him or her. If you need to check your phone for a text, e-mail, or alert, ask permission. “Is it okay if I check this? It might be Dad/I told so-and-so I would look for her message.” Try to have at least thirty minutes of unplugged “private time” every day with your kids during the week and at least an hour a day on weekends when you don’t take calls or check your phone. Consider identifying a certain period during the weekend (e.g., Sundays 9:00 A.M. to noon) as tech free—“It’s pancake, read the Times, and play a game time.” Negotiate with your kids if necessary about the best time for digital downtime. If your child has difficulty letting go of her phone, let her set a timer and tell her she can check her texts every ten or fifteen minutes. Ten to fifteen minutes seems obsessive—and it is, in our view—but kids who have a harder time with tech-free time will resent it less if you’re not rigid. Be respec...

There are almost a thousand colleges that are test-score optional (see fairtest.org for more on this), but that leaves many more that require the SAT or ACT, so you might as well take the darn test.

Shop Class as Soulcraft: An Inquiry into the Value of Work, by Matthew B. Crawford.

The Dirty Life: A Memoir of Farming, Food, and Love, by Kristin Kimball.

The Element: How Finding Your Passion Changes Everything, by Ken Robinson.

What to Do Tonight Make a list with your child of all the different jobs you can possibly think of together. Not jobs either one of you would necessarily be interested in—just jobs that someone is doing. What might those people like about their jobs? What might they be good at? Share the stories of alternate routes from this chapter with your child. Tell him or her others you know of, and ask if he or she knows of any. Be open about the surprises or disappointments you encountered on your own path, or that your parents or grandparents did, and how you pivoted. Ned’s great-grandfather made and lost a fortune in the stock market, and went from the biggest house in town to a small apartment and back again. Knowing that even successful people have ups and downs helped give Ned perspective, as did understanding that resilience was a family tradition. Ask your child, What do you love to do? What do you think you’re better at than other people? Do you want my view? Ask your child, What contributions do you think you would like to make to the world around you? What steps might you take to get there? Encourage your child to find a mentor, someone whose life they admire and who can help guide them. Kids will often be more open to guidance from someone who is not their parent.

BILL ONCE WORKED with a child whose mother was a humorist. Sitting in Bill’s office one day, she remarked, “A lot of what we call raising children should really be referred to as lowering parents.” It’s a clever way to acknowledge that what we recommend isn’t easy. In fact, much is plain hard. It takes courage to trust a child to make decisions, to trust in a child’s brain development, to ignore the pressures that cause us to protect our kids from themselves, or to be overly involved in their lives. It takes courage to face our fears about the future. It also takes humility to accept that we don’t often know what’s in our kids’ best interest. It takes a change in mindset to focus on ourselves—our own emotions and attitudes—as an extremely important element of our child-rearing. As hard as all of this is, the harder route by far is trying to control what we really can’t. And when you are able to do what we’ve recommended in this book, the result will be liberating and effective. Everything we have covered—from the science of the brain to the logic of taking alternate routes—is meant to help you instill in your children the models they will carry into their adult lives, the adult relationship they will have with you, and their sense of themselves. As has often been said, people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Think of how you want to make your child feel. Loved. Trusted. Supported. Capable. And ...